I Kissed Dating a Non-Christian Goodbye. May 31, 2017/78 Comments/in Life Issues, TOPICS /by Contributor. Written By Audrey A, Malaysia My mother eventually converted to Christianity when I was nine and I accepted Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior when I was 16. I have always been amazed at my dad’s boldness in marrying a non-believer, and his patience and trust in God to make the flower bloom as he planted the seed of God’s love in my mother’s heart. Naively, I thought I could do the same. Duncan and I were colleagues and we worked on many projects together.
I’ve been single for years, but I recently met a guy I hit it off with right away. I’m interested in getting to know him more—the only problem is he’s not a Christian. He seems open to the idea of faith, but he’s never been involved in church or anything. Is it really that big of a deal to date a non-Christian?
– Tired of Being Single Dear Tired, First of all, I get where you’re coming from. When you meet someone you really like, it’s easy to start making compromises on some of the things you were originally looking for. Especially if you grew up in the church, you’ve probably heard people say that Christians should not marry non-Christians.
And since dating is the first step toward marriage, it follows that Christians should not date non-Christians either. But many people think this is the ideal rather than the norm. I have met so many believers who—when times got tough or lonely—ditched that rule and started a relationship with an unbeliever. “What could be the harm,” they wonder. “My boyfriend acts more like a Christian than my Christian friends do,” they say. And sadly, that may be true, but being a Christian is about so much more than just being a moral person.
Being a believer means that your relationship with God has absolutely, entirely and clearly changed your life. If you are a believer and profess to have a relationship with Jesus Christ, there is no getting around the fact that this is by far the most influential relationship you will ever have.
It’s a relationship that will shape your identity, form your beliefs, influence your choices and guide the entire purpose of your life. It’s a relationship that, according to Scripture, will not just change you, it will re-create you.
When you enter a relationship with Jesus, you’re not simply a “better version” of yourself, you are made absolutely new.
Again, I realize you’re just asking about dating, not about marriage yet, but I’m going to jump ahead to marriage because even if you’re not sure that is where the relationship will end up, that possibility should be a consideration when you’re deciding who to date. Spiritual Connection Through marriage, you are choosing to become one body with another human being (2 Corinthians 6:14-17). You are joining your hearts, your minds and your very bodies in an intimate and sacred connection.
For those who are Christians, this union cannot fully take place with someone outside of relationship with Jesus Christ, because true “oneness” is something that cannot be forced or synthesized: it’s supernatural. At the end of the day, there is no replacing the deep intimacy that comes when you are physically, emotionally and spiritually connected to another human being.
Don’t sell yourself short out of fear and desperation, but instead, move toward God’s promises in faith. The Reason for Christian Marriage For Christians, marriage is about more than just companionship. It’s about the display of the glory of God at work through our relationship (Ephesians 5:31-33). Marriage is a glorious display of Christ and the Church—of sacrifice, and the laying down of our lives for one another. If we’re not looking at marriage with this purpose in mind, we’re actually missing what marriage is all about.
As John Piper so eloquently says, “Marriage exists ultimately to display the covenant-keeping love between Christ and His church. If you are married, that is why you’re married.
If you hope to be, that should be your dream!” When we choose to redefine marriage on our own terms, we miss out on experiencing marriage in the sacred, intimate, God-honoring way it’s meant to be experienced. Compatibility I tell my counseling clients all the time that modern psychology points to the benefits of being married to someone with whom you are “spiritually in-sync.” Faith and spirituality are such important factors in our lives that those who have them in common tend to have a lower divorce rate.
This statistic rings true for all belief systems, because having this integral part of our identity in common is like strings that hold two people together. But above and beyond the strings of “commonality,” believers in Christ are held together by something even greater: the Spirit of God who lives, breathes and works in us and through us.
Those who are united in Spirit cannot be separated (Mark 10:9). According to Scripture, when God joins something together, something powerful happens that can’t be separated by mere man.
The Spirit of God is the only guarantee that we will have what it takes to love, to confess, to sacrifice, to give and to forgive one another.
I am not saying that marriages between people of different faiths never work at all, or that simply being a “Christian” guarantees that we will make good choices in our marriage or that we will be exempt from divorce. But when both partners in a marriage are allowing God’s spirit to work in their lives, they then have the power to say no to their sin and flesh rather than being ruled by it. Don’t let fear drive you into the arms of someone with whom you can’t share every single part of your life.
God calls us to make relationship choices in our lives not based out of fear, but out of faith—faith that God is faithful, that He is good and that His great plan for your life is worth the wait. Don’t settle for anything less. Have a question? Good! Send an email to . All identifying information will be kept anonymous. An earlier version of this article appeared at . is a Licensed Professional Counselor, relationship expert, national speaker, and author of the book .
Her newest book for singles and couples, , is available for pre-order and set to be released this Spring. Debra is also the creator of the popular relationship advice blog, , reaching millions of people with the message that healthy people make healthy relationships. Connect with her on or !
• • Daniel, thank you for the comment. I have been struggling with this issue for a while now since I have been in this situation (single) for some time.
It’s not an easy subject to discuss, and most churches, even non conservatives, would be fast to condemn “mixed” marriage right away. This whole “you have to marry a christian” as a strict rule, just doesn’t sound right. Thanks you for the thoughts, because you expressed things I couldn’t put in words.
I hope this article and comments can help us better understand things. Daniel, thank you for the comment. I have been struggling with this issue for a while now since I have been in this situation (single) for some time. It’s not an easy subject to discuss, and most churches, even non conservatives, would be fast to condemn “mixed” marriage right away.
This whole “you have to marry a christian” as a strict rule, just doesn’t sound right. Thanks you for the thoughts, because you expressed things I couldn’t put in words.
Last night, I opened this article with an open mind, asked the Lord above: please change my heart about this issue. I’d be all the more at peace with myself if I could simply buy into the dogmatic ambiguity Debra is spewing out, but the time I got to the comments I was instead fuming with frustration.
The only redeeming element of this article is Daniel’s comment; reading it, I finally feeling I had some answers which were grounded in the truth about Jesus, and not the religiosity that’s been built up around him. So, I log in this morning to attempt to share my thousand thoughts on this issue, only to find that Relevant has censored his comment! –something to the tune of ‘We have hidden this comment due to too many user down votes.
Click to show comment’. Relevant, are you kidding me?! If anything you oughta rip a page out of Daniel’s book! We must consider what we do does, how ripples out to those listening. Relevant –censoring Daniels comment is sordid. He is offering genuine questions you ought to use as future material.
Dearest Debra, are your words ushering in the kingdom, or driving people away from it? As a young woman (25) who has essentially abstained from dating altogether, I have never had a boyfriend. This is because of the conditioning of the church, I struggle with simply even entertaining the idea of going on a date with someone because I automatically think to marriage as the end goal. If there’s any one thing I could shake off from my young years in the church, its this giant leap I make upon first encountering an suitable man, ‘Christian’ or otherwise.
The very same giant leap you make in your article. Its as if I’m at the base of a mountain, asking you for the route to the top and you just point to the summit and say that’s the only thing you need to think about. This conditioning has certainly impeded my ability to be present with suitors of any stripe, I’m automatically sized them up for marriage. It’s robbed me of potential friendships. And I struggle to believe it’s a healthy mentality to host, expecting ‘marriage material’ to surface within the first few encounters with someone?
Impractical. Your words of advice drive me further away from understanding, and moreover further away from wanting anything to do with the church. Thankfully, I’m trusting in the Lord and not the troubling counsel being offered here.
And Daniel, thanks, For your boldness to actually write grounded truth and offer countercultural questions. The answer given was correct for a Christian based on scripture. There is no debate. If she would prefer to go off on her own, outside of clear guidance of scripture, then she should acknowledge that and not request guidance. I’ve known people that have said things like “I feel God is saying it’s ok to do fill in the blank” on things that are clearly spelled out.
best a christian dating a non christian songs - Should Christians date a non
/ I am single. Unattached. Keeping my options open. I fly solo. No matter how you choose to word it, being single was never in my plans. Growing up in the church, I thought I had a solid understanding of how my story would play out.
You go to youth group, you love Jesus, you meet someone, you graduate high school, you get married, and as the fairy tales say, “You live happily ever after.” When I was 19 I was ready. And then when I turned 23, I was really ready. At 27, I understood and accepted that God was using the last few years to prepare me for marriage. But when 30 hit, let’s just say God and me were in a fight. I never would have considered dating a non-Christian. Not in a million years. In fact, “loves God and puts Him first” was always on the top of the list of what I was looking for.
But then the frustration set in. It started as impatience, but it soon developed into a rampaging beast of unbelief, doubt, and worst of all, hopelessness. It felt like everyone I knew was married, including the kids I used to babysit. There seemed to be 10 girls for every single available guy in church. Then there was the pressure of every person I knew asking about my relationship status every time I saw them.
Or mentioning their far-off distant relative who they thought might still be single (which they never were), and who they could maybe one day set me up with (which they never did). It became hard to find peace between the God that I loved and this aching, unmet desire to find a companion. I was irritated. It felt like God wasn’t listening, and I was discouraged that my life seemed stuck in a pit of hopelessness with no sign of movement anytime soon. So when the opportunity arose, I figured I would just take things into my own hands.
The moment I made the decision to waver on something I always said I would never compromise on, the offers flooded in. Suddenly I got asked out in a grocery store line-up, and then at a dollar store.
Then, a really nice guy I met in a coffee shop asked me out. While the first two dates were just awkward encounters that made me feel uncomfortable and probably caused my face to glow red for hours afterwards, the third guy peaked my interest.
He was funny. He was nice. He was kind. And he was pretty direct about his intentions. He had a great career and he truly could give me everything I ever wanted in this life. I was tossed into a sea of internal conflict. I knew he wasn’t a believer, but I wanted to spend time with him and get to know more about him.
The idea of not seeing him again saddened me. I liked the way I felt being around him. As a believer, especially if you grow up in the church, you can convince yourself that non-Christians aren’t nice people.
But the reality is, more often than not, they are really great. So, I made the decision to spend time with this guy and got to know him. We hung out, we texted. We liked a lot of the same things, had good conversations, and he made me laugh. But it didn’t take long to find out that a relationship with God wasn’t even on his radar.
All my ideas and hopes of leading him to Jesus weren’t realistic. He didn’t want to talk about church or Jesus, and conversations always turned uncomfortable every time I mentioned either. No amount of flirting made Jesus more desirable to him. Sure, he could have provided me with every luxury in this world — except the one thing that held the most value to me. Ultimately, the status of his heart was a deal breaker, and I had to walk away. But I do get it. I get the desire to build a relationship, to keep telling yourself that it doesn’t truly matter if the other person isn’t a believer because everyone is on their own journey: who’s to say that one day he or she won’t accept Christ?
Or to allow yourself to believe that you can continue to build your own relationship with God while you build your relationship with him or her: it doesn’t matter if they don’t believe; it won’t cause me to fall away. Consider the fact that God took six days to create the intricacies of the world around us. Yet the Bible records thousands of years of narrative to cover the ups and downs of relationships. This tells us two things: one, that relationships are hard; and two, that God knows it.
While there may be a lot of reasons or contributing factors as to why a Christian would make the choice to be in a romantic relationship with a non-Christian, I don’t believe that it is simply a relational issue.
It’s a complex spiritual issue that requires some self-reflection and honesty. If your heart is truly, genuinely, passionately in pursuit of Christ on a daily basis, then a non-believer — no matter how kind and caring and wonderful they are — can never truly know you. If your identity is in Christ alone, then your life will automatically come into conflict with your non-believing girlfriend or boyfriend. As it should.
Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Those we build our lives around, the people who are closest to us, are the ones who can either help bring us close to God, or pull us farther away. It's what Paul was referring to in 2 Corinthians 6:14 when he said, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?" Trust that God’s plan is perfect and complete. Psalm 9:10 says, “Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.” I know that this seems so easy to say.
Especially when you watch every one of your friends get married or start a family. Or when you’re invited out with the couples so you can watch the kids. Or when the only thing that people ask you about is your relationship status (even though you’re convinced that if it had changed, you would make sure the whole world would know about it). The truth is, God has more for you.
Worshipping the idea of marriage in place of our Creator places an expectation on that relationship to fulfill the deepest need in our hearts — which can only be filled by one person: Jesus. Our humanity all too often gets in the way of our relationship with Christ and His purpose and plan for our life. Our desires over His, our will over His: it's not a frivolous idea, but rather one that we are completely unable to fight through on our own.
Which is where the Holy Spirit comes in. 1 John 3:20 says, “God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.” Our inability to succeed in giving over our heart’s desires to God is not a surprise to Him.
He knows. He cares. But in His love, He also knows better than us. And while I don’t claim to be an expert on the subject, I do know that a heart truly submitted to God desires His heart first and trusts that His love will fulfill all other unmet desires.
I don't know how much longer I will be single, but after trying to take things into my own hands, I now truly believe that whatever He’s got in store is worth fighting for. We want you to know that you don't have to journey alone. If you need prayer or a listening ear about the struggles in your dating life, we have confidential and free mentors ready to help!
Just connect below and you'll hear back from a mentor soon. Connect with a mentor now!
Dating Non-Christians & Unbelievers Should Christians date non- Christians? The Bible says; "do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers" This page talks about the question of should Christians go out with or date a non-Christian - the age old problem of having a Christian girlfriend or boyfriend that doesn't believe.
Is dating non-believers an option for Christians? Shouldn't we be equally yoked with someone who believes that Christ? Well here's a few thoughts and what the Bible has to say about this subject. You must have heard it said; ”He's the nicest guy I've met in ages.
It's not as if I ever meet anyone - and who knows, he might become a Christian" There is of course nothing inherently wrong with dating a non-Christian. There are stories of Christians going out with non-Christians who subsequently give their life to God and the two go on to get married.
But there are many more stories to the contrary of great heartache and eventual splitting of partners either before or after marriage - sometimes much later in life. With the added pressure of other people drifting in and out of casual relationships, everyone else is having all the fun and you end up wondering why you don't try it yourself!
To make things trickier still, some non-Christians have higher morals, and are more faithful and understanding than their fellow Christians. Dating an unbeliever can be a real dilemma!
It's a dilemma, and it does seem unfair of God to restrict us to the few that are Christian in the real sense. Trying to find someone with whom you click, who you find attractive and who you know loves the Lord - can be so difficult that staying Gods side of the fence can seem like too much to ask! - Should I ask that non- Christian guy out at work? Should I be less fussy? Should I go church hopping? Should I join an agency? In the end it distracts from the real meaning of Christian life.
Not to mention hours wasted barking up the wrong trees! Should we consider dating a non-Christian partner outside the church when one inside seems so elusive What does The Bible say about marrying or dating non-believers?
As ever The Holy Bible offers practical advice to real problems! • The bible says guard your heart above all. • We can see with Jesus as our model that as Christians we are limited in the things we can do. We have to sacrifice many things that the rest of the world does not, and one of those things is the vast choice of people with whom we can have a husband/wife relationship.
• The bible clearly states that marrying a non-believer is to be avoided. (do not be yoked with unbelievers or non Christians) However If you find this dogmatic, consider the sensitive way it addresses people who are already in a relationship with a nonbeliever. Far from consign them both to hell it offers constructive advice and says that the Christians' faith actually sanctifies the nonbeliever in the relationship.
-Not to be taken to mean that dating a non-Christian is a good idea. • Be careful who you get together with as bad company corrupts good character. Can a non Christian partner help you spiritually? • The Bible tells us that few will enter the kingdom of heaven which is important because it follows that the number of potential partners available to us will be equally few.
It is to be expected that meeting compatible people is difficult. You may also want to check out our recommended books relating to the issue of and unbelieving spouses or non-Christian girlfiends of boyfriends etc. Other things to consider... A mature Christian woman dating a spiritually immature man: This may or may not worry you but consider the fact that the bible says the man should be the spiritual leader in a relationship.
Spiritual maturity does not come overnight unlikely that a new Christian man could lead a mature Christian woman. Uneven playing field When you go out with a non-Christian you may have find you have opposite views on certain issues that your partner may not consider issues at all! For instance commitment to them may not be commitment to you.
This will give them an unfair advantage in a relationship as they can break certain rules that you can't - and you may feel pressured to break them to hold their interest. This really happens! It's much better when both parties have the same rulebook. With an issue like no physical intimacy before marriage it'll take two to say 'no' for absolute certain. When one is indifferent or weak in their stance here, temptation will be hard or impossible to resist so decide BEFOREHAND to do the right thing!
From a practical point of view... Is the person you're dating someone you'd like to marry? Being able to talk about your deepest emotions, hopes and fears in the light of God is something most Christians would want from a life long partner. Can you have this kind of relationship with an unbeliever? Most Christians agree that in the end something is missing. It can be like talking to someone who "isn't home" for want of a less arrogant sounding description.
Consider what you want. It is true that many non-Christians have good relationships (though they could never be as fulfilling as a right relationship in which both partners included God) With one believer and one nonbeliever.
The scales are uneven and liable to tip. Having established that it's praobably best not to seriously date a non-Christian (though this may not always be the case), how can we improve our chances of meeting someone?
You can visit different churches but this is a very inefficient way to meet someone. You're going to have to go for a couple of weeks before you get to know anyone and even then you may not end up in a position to approach the person you like. It also takes your mind off church itself.
Church hopping is not a sin but it's not a good way to find a partner. You can introduce people whom you know have an interest in each other. If everyone did this you could guarantee the favour would be returned! You could try traditional Christian dating agencies which is a great idea. They even send you out in groups which is a lot of fun. Or you could use fusion101.com.
This is a Christian dating agency that allows you to contact people with whom you have something in common. No time wasted and great fun! Go to 101 FREE Christian Dating & Personals service To summarise • Does the person you're interested in have the spiritual spiritual maturity you need?
(esp important for women) • In a relationship with a non-Christian you may be tempted to compromise your beliefs in order to stay appealing.
• Falling in love is easy. In a romantic relationship it may be difficult to escape a relationship with an unbeliever if it turns out to be wrong. • Consider carefully whether short term gain is worth giving yourself to what could be the wrong person. • While there can be nothing wrong with dating a non-Christian, you never know when a casual date will turn into a lifelong love. • If you don't want to end up marrying a non-Christian, don't date one!
More dating articles Copyright 1999. This page contains advice on dating non-Christians and help on should you date a person who isn't a Christian at fusion101. Guide written by Fusion101 Christian Singles Dating.
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