A woman with borderline personality disorder shares an open letter to her future lover about loving her as a whole, BPD included When I forgive you, I will race, Race right into your loving caress. My next episode is our best guess. Together we can beat my borderline. Working as a team, We’ll be just fine. Dear future lover, Some days, I may forget what I believe in. My values may temporarily stray. But soon, I will awake. My identity can never permanently break.
It is challenging to have a relationship with a person that has borderline personality disorder (BPD), especially since one of the hallmarks of the disorder is unstable relationships. Yet, if your partner has the disorder, you probably want to do everything you can to maintain the relationship when dating someone with BPD. Ten Tips for a More Stable Relationship While dating someone with borderline personality disorder may seem nearly impossible at times, there are ways you can facilitate the relationship with that person without having to go on the rollercoaster ride with them as they oscillate between extremes in behavior and mood.
Related Articles • • • 1. Make a Plan and Stick to It If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend with borderline personality disorder, dating them means that you will have to find a way to manage your behaviors so you can manage their behaviors. Coming up with for dealing with your partner's extreme behaviors will help you keep your sanity. • Think about your partner's behaviors and the effects those behaviors have on you.
• Make a list of all the behaviors your partner has that upset or frustrate you, including cases where your partner harms you. • Devise a plan that will help you manage the behaviors so you can avoid imploding situations once they start and protect yourself so you are physically and emotionally safe.
For example, if your partner accuses you of not caring about him, you can walk away rather than crying. Creating a plan on how to deal with the behaviors ensures that you are not feeding the symptoms of the disorder by ensuring you stay calm in the midst of an issue.
You will also be able to reinforce better, productive behaviors. 2. Set Limits People with BPD display extreme behavior patterns. They yell, threaten suicide (and are sometimes serious), accuse, blame, and are highly defensive. This might increase if you do not emotionally respond to them; that is, if you do not hop on their emotional rollercoaster and get upset as well. One way to help control their extreme behavior is to learn your own boundaries.
This might be easy because the person with BPD may push the limits of your boundaries. Once you learn your boundaries, you can set limits: State what your partner is doing to push your limits, and note a consequence if they don't stop the behavior.
For instance, if your partner threatens suicide, you could say, "Okay, I'm calling the police." Hopefully, this will be enough to have them settle down, and if your significant other does not settle down, at least you will have the help you need to handle the situation. Suicide attempts are a common feature of the disorder. Even if you hear it a lot, all threats of suicide need to be taken seriously.
3. Protect Yourself Another unfortunate aspect of BPD is that people with BPD act in a manner that lacks empathy for those around them. In their minds, their needs and wants surpass the needs and wants of others. They often abuse, control, and manipulate their loved ones, playing on guilt and a sense of obligation to control the people around them.
To from this behavior, think about what your loved one often asks for, guilts you into, or abuses you until you provide it. Then be clear about what you will and will not do to protect yourself.
You have the right to protect your body, belongings, and financial situation. For example, if your loved one controls or manipulates you into handing over your entire paycheck so he can use it to buy a new car, you can say, "I am no longer going to give you money.
You need to earn money so you can buy the things you want." 4. Be Realistic A person with BPD does not have the same understanding about emotions, and he lacks coping mechanisms to manage them efficiently.
You need to have a realistic understanding of your partner's behavior and your role in his life as "caretaker." Also, you also need to keep in mind that your partner may never learn to . You cannot "heal" your loved one. Your loved one has to be committed to healing himself with the help of therapy.
Also, you need to know that the dysfunction BPD creates in a person's life cripples their emotional capability and understanding, so it's likely that you will not be able to have an emotionally mature relationship.
5. Use Compliments People with BPD are not accustomed to receiving compliments. To establish trust and influence in your partner's life, your partner for even little things they do that are noteworthy may surprise you and go a long way. You can also use compliments to reward good behavior, such as "I know you were stressed out yesterday, but you handled it really well," or "I noticed the way you have stopped yelling at me." However, note that you need to assess what mood your partner is in.
Stating the compliment at the wrong time could solicit an extreme reaction. Then deliver the compliment. You may never get a response verbally or an expression of gratitude, or even an insult in response. However, it could work for some people with BPD, especially if they seek compliments. Try as long as you are willing. Since a person with BPD has low self-esteem, you could be doing some good. 6. Realize Your Partner May Have Been Abused People who have been as children are at higher risk for developing BPD.
Because the behaviors of a person with BPD are so outrageous at times, it's very easy to call it quits or blame the person with BPD. It would be like faulting a person for getting cancer. However, this is not a reason to allow the person you love with BPD to manipulate or abuse you. Still set your limits and stick to them, but in a loving and nonjudgmental way.
Also, don't take their outrageous behaviors personally. These are the emotional issues of your loved one.
7. Learn About BPD One of the ways you can maintain a relationship with your loved one is to about the disorder so you can understand your loved one's behaviors.
People with BPD will often attack you aggressively or get highly defensive, and people often feel like they are dragged to extremes as they are manipulated and guilted into different emotional states and actions they don't feel comfortable doing. Learning about the disorder will help you understand how your loved one experiences things. Realizing that your loved one has a completely different emotional perspective will help you protect yourself and stick to boundaries.
8. Understand Misdiagnosis Is Common With BPD, knowledge is power, and if the person doesn't know that he has the disorder, and the people around him don't know it, they don't know why their loved one is acting that way. BPD is known as a because it often co-occurs with other disorders, such as "depression, bi-polar disorder, substance abuse, eating disorders, and anxiety disorders." If your partner is already being treated for another disorder and the disorder does not fully explain the parameters of her behavior, have the doctor explore the possibility that she could have BPD.
9. Realize That Extreme Behaviors Are Symptoms Having a relationship with a person with BPD is often characterized as a "love-hate" relationship, where one minute your loved one is needy, and the next moment she is pushing you away.
You may have a borderline personality disorder relationship cycle happening with your partner. People who have this disorder have an intense need to feel loved, but their extreme behaviors always keep them in a state of losing that love. That loss of love supports their intense fear of being abandoned. These are , and not displays of callousness or an effort to hurt you. 10. Practice the Four D's If the situation seems to be in the middle of escalation, practice the : "Delay, Distract, Depersonalize, and Detach." • Delay: "I want some time to consider what you are saying.
Let's talk about it later." • Distract: "How about we go for a walk?" • Depersonalize and Detach: Realize that attacks, no matter how personal they seem, are part of the disorder, so don't take them personally or get upset. Get Help You cannot force your partner into therapy.
However, you can get help for yourself, and with long-term effort, you could convince your partner to get help over time, with increased trust, consistency, and a genuine show for concern. For instance, you could say, "I'm still here. I wouldn't be if I didn't care." If you are not strong in yourself, having a person in your life with BPD can make you feel like your life and identity are disappearing as you are trying to meet all the needs and demands of your partner.
You will most likely have a difficult time maintaining your health if you have issues going on, such as depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, or substance abuse. Self-care is essential. Being able to maintain strong, definitive, consistent boundaries is important, and getting the support of a mental health counselor or clinical psychologist will help you maintain your health so you can be there for your loved one in the most productive manner possible.
best borderline personality disorder dating someone with - Helping Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
A securely attached personality type. In my opinion, anyone who's not securely attached should steer clear from BPDs. Run as fast as you can; you will do us both a favor. I would feel best with someone with a secure, non-defensive personality. Someone with good self-esteem, healthy boundaries and a positive view of the world and other people.
Someone who's able to have trusting, lasting relationships. Someone who feels comfortable with intimacy and sharing feelings and isn't afraid of getting rejected. Anything other than that is a recipe for disaster and just a matter of time before it gets toxic.
You don’t put a fire out with more fire. Whilst it’s convenient to believe that pairing a crazy person with another crazy person like a psychopath/sociopath/narcissist is the way to go, in reality, this would be disastrous, as they would feed each other’s deficits. The best personality type for someone with borderline personality disorder is someone who is very emotionally stable and healthy, in other words, a highly securely attached person. There are actually studies that show that DBT therapy is significantly more effective at reducing BPD when the BPD sufferer is in a relationship.
So the popular hateful notion that BPD’s should just stay away from relationships with normal people altogether is actually a highly prejudiced viewpoint that lacks credibility.
Those who hate BPDers should just avoid them, but don’t expect people who want to be in loving committed relationships, and who make active attempts to better themselves to just give up and shut themselves out of society like lepers.
I would say this is unfortunate....but the best type for the BPD is the Narcissistic Personality. The reason is because they seem to really take "us" out of our shells. I find them so attractive, so funny and so charming. With the perfect love bombing and over the top interest....it really makes the BPD feel special. I give them all of my admiration and love in return.
I wonder if my husband is a Narc to this day. He has to be something...I know for sure we are not normal. But it all balances out. LOL.
Saturday 16 Sep 2017 10:00 am One of the main criteria of diagnosing Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is difficulty maintaining relationships. If you’re not familiar with BPD, it can be explained, briefly, as a disorder that causes a person to experience intense and unstable emotions, which doesn’t sound like a particularly appealing dating prospect. Googling the subject, I suddenly find the internet is awash with people who have an incredibly negative and distorted view about what it’s like to date a person with BPD.
Advertisement Some of the comments hit home because, from an early age, I have had an extremely tempestuous love life, but I also know it can work if both partners learn to understand each other.
As such, I’ll try and share my two cents on dating someone with BPD. One of the main symptoms of BPD, which I think is almost universal, is a ‘chronic feeling of emptiness’. This is a hard concept to explain to a healthy person, who may have only ever felt something close to this when someone they love passes away, or they lose something they hold dear in their life.
(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk) People with BPD, even in their happiest periods, experience this pervasive feeling of emptiness almost every day, and often they try and fill this with things that stimulate them. It’s well documented that we love to turn to a quick fix; drugs, alcohol, binge eating, any risk taking behaviour that fills us up for a second. Personally, the only thing that gives me true happiness is other people, which is why BPD is a cruel illness – because most people who suffer from it are gregarious, true people lovers, but they struggle to maintain close relationships because of their illness.
When you finally meet the person who sets your world on fire, it feels incredible. You want to spend every minute of the day with them because you find them so interesting, so much fun, and so enjoyable to be around. Advertisement Having such strong emotions make people with BPD incredibly empathetic, and because of this we find it easy to connect with people on an emotional level quickly.
The feeling is so wonderful that when they’re gone (albeit maybe only to work for the day), you hit the floor like a rock and back comes that creeping emptiness. (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk) You’ll do anything to keep it away, and because of this, it can become quite an addictive feeling to be around the person you love.
Now, obviously living in each others’ pockets is neither healthy nor feasible, and sometimes the intensity of someone with BPD’s love can be too much at first. Some people pull away for space, which is possibly the hardest thing for us to take. This may be because it’s thought that BPD could stem from early attachment issues in childhood, so another of the main symptoms is a ‘chronic fear of abandonment (real or perceived)’. When people pull away for any reason, that part of our illness goes into overdrive and this is where the disorder may get its bad name.
The fear of being abandoned is almost always, even if only subconsciously, the driving force of our ‘crazy’ behaviour in relationships. To understand why our reactions can be so adverse, our partner needs to understand that because of our illness, we think differently in some ways to others.
(Picture: Erin Aniker for Metro.co.uk) Paranoia is a common symptom among people with BPD, and this can blow not replying to a text, because your phone was on silent, into your partner thinking you have been hit by a bus/run away with the circus/are having an affair with your boss, in under 30 minutes. Advertisement This is not helpful and certainly not an easy quality to deal with in someone you share your life with, but the key to it working is understanding why the person does the things they do so you can work together to help them.
You wouldn’t ask a person with a freshly broken leg to climb three flights of stairs, and in the same way, you shouldn’t assume a person with BPD would just be able to handle certain aspects of a relationship. More: Relationships are our Achilles’ heel, and feel like 500 flights of stairs, but we will always embark on them with full force and disregard for our wellbeing because – to answer the person who Googled ‘Can a person with BPD really love?’ – yes, we can and do truly love and care for the person we’re with.
In my somewhat limited but quite eventful 26 years of experience, as a person with BPD, the way to make it work with that person is always communication. If you communicate clearly and honestly then you get rid of that fear of the unknown, the fear that you’ll disappear, and the fear they have of not being good enough. Advertisement If you’re unhappy with them, don’t act cold and distant – be up front and speak to them so you both understand each other and this can help them stay in control of their emotions.
Of course, I can’t speak for every person in the world and, yes, there are some people who can be down right horrible. But if I could get people to understand only one thing about being in a relationship with a person with BPD, it’s that we do not enjoy or take pleasure from our behaviour.
It’s only ever done in a misguided attempt to stop the terrible feelings that occur when our illness is triggered by certain factors. It breaks our heart when we feel our behaviour has pushed you away, and sometimes we don’t have the emotional intelligence to fix it, which is where you need to help us. If you fall for someone with BPD then I won’t lie, you will be in for an experience you may not have had before. But if you learn about the illness, its symptoms and discuss with your partner, you will be able to find healthy ways of dealing with them and I promise you it will be worth it.
Think of it as installing an emotional stair lift for that broken leg til it heals. MORE: MORE: MORE:
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER & RELATIONSHIPS