One of my best friends, a woman, was dating a guy for a couple years. During that time, she became good friends with her boyfriend’s best friend. She and her boyfriend broke up, but she remained friends with his best friend. She eventually started dating his best friend, and then are now married. Her now-ex-boyfriend was pissed when he found out about their relationship at first. He cut off all contact with both her, and his former best friend. It wasn’t until a couple years later that he finally came around. While your friend doesn’t really get a ‘say’ in whether or not you date a woman he’s.
Today’s article is in response to a question from a reader (via !) about how to determine if he’s really over his ex-wife. In my response, I provide the tell-tale signs that he’s not over his ex-wife, how to tell whether he’s ready for a relationship with you, and how to know whether you should “stick it out” of run for the hills: Dear Melissa, I met my guy a month ago online.
Long distance relationship. We met just once walking around a city and kissed and held hands. We decided to be exclusive for two months to get to know each other.
He divorced his drug-taking wife of 14 years a year ago when she became violent and abusive to their two kids and him and when she refused to stop taking drugs and sleeping around. But he then tried to win her back after the divorce and last slept with her within three months of meeting me.
He talks about her a whole lot and says she wants him back but he wants to move forward and sees me as the next chapter. I’m not convinced he’s over her. It’s too soon. His children also have special needs and he comes from a really dysfunctional family. He is a recovering porn addict and no longer uses drugs. Something else to bear in mind. We get on SO well, have the same faith and interests. I don’t know whether to stick it out and get to know him more or walk away.
I have a great life where I am. Great self-employed job, home, friends. I look after my elderly parents who live locally. I would need to locate to his city, very far away in order for his kids to continue their education and keep their stability.
He’s worried I might regret leaving everything for him. We’ve talked / texted every day for the past month. Early days but I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with his situation and really don’t want to be his counsellor for his wife. Yesterday he asked me to have compassion on his wife as she’s lost everything – he had just told her about me.
Should I run for the hills? – Brave and Wanting Wisdom Dear Brave and Wanting Wisdom, I feel your concern. Thanks so much for reaching out. I know this is not an easy field to navigate and I’ll do my best to address your questions.
From your description, I get the sense that he is not over his ex-wife because it appears that he still carriers a lot of emotional energy about to his former relationship.
Signs He’s Not Over His Ex-Wife When we think of major events in our life as transitions, we can visualize these life transitions as a continuum where there are stages, just as there are stages of grief when we lose someone close to us.
Divorce is often described as the “death of a civilization” because a marriage is like a civilization with its own people, norms, and complex history… And divorce can feel like the dismantling of that civilization. So, like any major loss, there are stages of grief and time needed to heal. Other experts say that . But it will take much longer if they are not coping with the loss in healthy ways or practicing healthy detachment after divorce. The bottom line is: He’s not over her if he still carries a significant emotional charge about her and their relationship.
And that emotional charge can show up in different ways such as anger, attraction, nostalgia, etc. However it shows up, it shows up as a preoccupation with her and the past. So, sleeping with his ex-wife within three months of meeting you is definitely a red flag that he hadn’t moved on. Talking about her a lot might not necessarily mean that he’s not over her. It would depend on the context. If he is talking about her a lot because there’s a practical concern that he needs to think about like childcare or custody arrangements, that’s one thing.
But if you find that he is still doing a lot of emotional processing out loud with you about his ex and his divorce, and you’re starting to feel like his therapist, it could be a sign that he still has some healing to do (in which case he might really benefit from working with a professional counselor if he is really struggling emotionally). And to your concern that he had asked you to “have compassion for his wife as she’s lost everything,” I do feel that his ask sounds a bit odd because it is also coming from someone who says that he “wants to move forward” and “sees you as the next chapter.
His asking for your compassion for her indicates a level of protectiveness that he feels for her, and I wonder if he’s feeling somewhat responsible for her emotional well-being (rather than letting her take care of her own emotional well-being). I mention this because you indicated that they’ve both had addictions so there might be some codependent tendencies in their relationship or perhaps there’s some to his ex. I want to make clear, though, that compassion, in it’s purest form, is a wonderful thing.
It’s what allows us to be empathetic toward our fellow human beings. But I wonder whether he is truly asking for compassion or if he is using his ex’s emotional state as an excuse to not move on from his relationship with her and calling it “compassion.” There’s a difference. If he wants to move forward, as he says, he needs to not sleep with his ex and he needs to let her be responsible for her own emotional well-being. That would truly be the compassionate thing to do.
Is He Ready for a Relationship with You? There are a number of factors that support relationship success. I recommend taking a look at my article as it goes deeper into how to gauge relationship readiness.
One of those readiness factors is that he is available—physically and emotionally—for a relationship with you, and that there are few, if any, glaring readiness issues that could interfere with the success of the relationship. But if he’s still getting over the dissolution of his marriage or still physically and/or emotionally involved in his previous relationship (for example, if he is not yet separated or if he is still hoping to reconcile), then he’s not truly available at this time for a new committed relationship.
He might be making himself available for a relationship with you (spending time with you, etc), but the relationship might feel very limited. It feels limited because as far as being able to commit and function in a new relationship with you in a normal, healthy, open way—he would not be available to do that if he hasn’t resolved his previous relationship.
Should You Run for the Hills or Stick It Out? I don’t doubt it when you say that you get along so well and have the same faith and interests. Those shared interests and chemistry are likely what attracted you two together! And they are important elements in a relationship. But shared interests and chemistry are only part of the equation when it comes to long-term relationship success. You might want to check out the article on because it will be extremely helpful to answering the question about whether you should stick it out or run for the hills.
Knowing whether he’s a good long-term fit and worth investing your time really depends on whether he is aligned with your life vision, and can meet your relationship needs and requirements. You mentioned that you have a great life, you love where you are right now, you have a great self-employed job, home and friends, and you look after your elderly parents.
And if you were to be with his man long-term, you would likely have to relocate. You’d be farther away from your friends, and maybe have to find someone else to look after your parents. It sounds like there would be a lot of things that would change in your life if you committed to a long-term relationship with him.
So I would encourage you to think about: What is your life vision? What does a happy, fulfilling life look like for you? Is being close to your friends and parents part of that vision? If not, then maybe relocating might not be a big deal for you. But I really encourage you to think about what makes you happy and what is the kind of life that you really want? And would being with him support that vision? And also think about your vision in terms of relationships.
What is your criteria for a happy, healthy, fulfilling relationship? What are your non-negotiables when it comes to relationships and what do you need in a relationship in order for it to really work for you?
And has he shown that he’s able to support those needs and doesn’t go against your non-negotiables? The bottom line is, you’re always empowered with choice. And you get to decide what’s worth it to you and what’s not worth it to you. Whether you should wait for him to be ready for a relationship really depends on what’s worth it to you and/if how long you’re willing to wait.
The questions above can help you get clearer on which path is best for you. You also might want to read my article on as it offers more things to think about as your consider whether to stay or go. I know these things take a lot of time and thought to consider, but I hope this helps provide some guidance! Please feel free to . All the best, Melissa Have a burning relationship question?
If you want step-by-step guidance on how to overcome your relationship challenges, stay true to who you are (and what you want!), and create a deeply fulfilling long-term relationship, download my free GUIDE “ The Smart Girl’s Guide to Dating a Divorced (or Divorcing) Man.” Simply enter your email address BELOW to access it now: I have a question what if your boyfriend acts like he is over his ex wife and you move in and your not sure what th think or believe can ex be really that friendly without feeling if they did not have a good marriage and was married for six years they have kids they are older sixteen and eighteen will they always be or I think they are close • what if you are living with a divorced man 13 years and he has clothes from ex wife dishes i just made him get rid of a 18 year old mattress from his marriage and never tells me when she is always texting him anything but the kids he tells me he is not as close as i think he is that just make me think he is why if a man tells you he loves you to death do this behind my back are man that stupid that down the road it will catch up to him i would not mind if he said they were friends but will never admitt it •
best dating a guy friends with his ex wifes name - The 11 Best Things About Being Friends With a Guy Before You Date Him
PHOTO: Getty Images/Brand X Coy Couple I love "Jessie's Girl"! But Jessie was still with his girl when smooth Rick Springfield decided that he wanted to "make her mine." I sure hope he's apologized to Jessie by this point. But seriously, while it's definitely not kosher to have feelings for your friend's girlfriend, after they've broken up, all bets are pretty much off.
The guy might want to wait a bit before starting anything with you out of courtesy to his friend. (How long will depend on the guy. Also, be prepared for him to not want to get involved with his buddy's ex at all.) But you don't owe your ex anything.
You're broken up. Even if he's jealous, he'll have to get over it eventually. If your break-up is civil and you're still friendly, maybe give it a couple of months.
If you travel in the same social circles, you might want to avoid being in the same place as your ex and the friend you want to date. Really, though, you probably shouldn't be hanging out with your ex in the first place.
It basically boils down to whether or not you dumped him. If you want to be extra nice and not send him into a sad spiral, then maybe give it some time before you make a move on his friend. But, again, you don't owe him anything. The sooner he gets over you, the better off he'll be. Also, once you start dating the friend, don't keep it a big secret. Your ex will likely feel worse if he finds out that his pal and his ex have been seeing each other behind his back.
Be honest, and as cool as possible about it, and hopefully he won't be a big jealous baby for too long. Ideally, the guy isn't your ex's best friend. If he is, be prepared for some initial weirdness. The problem could occur once you start hanging out your ex and the new guy. When enough time passes things won't be weird, but if it is the friend will hopefully be smart enough to keep you guys apart. Best case scenario, the guy is more of a casual acquaintance who doesn't want to spend a ton of time with one of your exes.
(Hopefully the new guy won't be put in a situation of having to decide between you and your ex, but if that does happens, fingers crossed it comes out in your favor.) When you do start dating, definitely try to avoid hanging out with your ex early on.
Let the relationship breathe and build without his influence. If the guy spends time with your ex without you, do not ask him how your ex is doing. In fact, try not to bring up your ex at all when with the new guy.
Particularly in bed. --Written by for Have you ever dated the friend of an ex? Did your ex get upset, or was he cool with the situation? More from : • • • • Friend GuySpeak on and follow them on . More Ways to Get Glamour . . Photo: Thinkstock ©2018 Condé Nast. All rights reserved. Use of and/or registration on any portion of this site constitutes acceptance of our (updated 5/25/18) and (updated 5/25/18).
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Q. I have dated this guy for about a year and a couple of months. We met each other through mutual friends. He is 10 years older than me and has two teenage daughters. I also have a young daughter. I have not met his kids yet — because he still lives in the same household as his kids’ mother. The reason, he says, is because they were both having financial issues and he decided to move back to help her out. He was up front with me about it when we started dating.
I was OK with it for the simple reason that I didn’t think things would get as serious as they have. He has mentioned moving out and buying his own place, and says he is ready to leave because of the tension at home (I can only imagine). I don’t ask him about what goes on at the home, because if he wanted to talk about it, I’m sure he would bring it up to me.
He says that there’s nothing between him and his ex, and that they’ve both established that they are better off as friends. My question is: How long am I supposed to sit around and wait for him to move out?
It’s been a year and three months since we started dating. I really like him. Honestly, I love him and he knows that. We have great times together, but the only problem is him leaving his situation. At times I get frustrated because I want to be able to go to his house and enjoy those moments together. I don’t consider him my boyfriend, only because I don’t feel comfortable saying that he is because of his living arrangement. I’m scared that after all the time I have invested in him, he might one day just say that he is all set and wants to work on things with her.
I know this is a ramble, but I’m just lost and confused. Thank you for signing up! A. You’d feel better if there was a real plan in place. If you knew his timeline — when he plans to start looking for a new home and when he thinks he can move out — you’d be less lost and confused. But understanding that plan would require talking about uncomfortable things. You say you don’t ask him what goes on at home because he’d bring it up if he wanted to.
It sounds like it’s time to ask all of the big questions, even if you’re afraid of the answers. What does happen at home? How long does his ex think he’s going to stick around? When he says there’s tension in his living situation, what does he mean? You’re panicking because there are too many unknowns. Start asking, because you love this man, and it’s time to figure out what’s next. Meredith READERS RESPOND: Maybe he doesn’t talk about his living situation because he thinks that you don’t want to know.
Time for a little chat, I think. MOVA It’s time to have a big talk, even if you’re afraid he won’t like it. You need answers and it’s fair for you to ask.
If he makes a plan, then great! If not, well you need to know that too. Better than hanging around for another year. BLISTERED-TOE My guess is his “ex” is still supporting *him* because he can’t take care of himself. Ask him to move in with you and see what happens.
RAMBLINROWS The status quo is not going to change unless you take charge and set it in motion. He seems to be all set the way thing are, so what makes you think there is anything in the script that is going to prompt him to get out? Face it, he is having the cake and eating it. Time to bail out. CONNORMACLEOD Sorry, it’s time for your non-boyfriend to change his living situation.
I (personally) would NEVER start dating a guy who was still living with his previous partner. I can see this living situation being a (very) temporary solution to a problem, but it’s been well over a year, they’ve had plenty of time to figure out Plan B. If he can’t put that plan into motion immediately — go find someone who is available to date, for reals. BOSTONSWEETS21 If your boyfriend living with his wife (ex-wife/baby mama?) is a deal breaker than go ahead and break the deal.
You don’t want to be the catalyst for him moving out. That should be his decision. You should, however, voice your concerns and ask your questions so he knows where you stand. SUNALSORISES And he’s sleeping where? All alone on a pallet in the basement? ELEKKTRA Let me get this straight: you knew about his living situation to begin with, he’s leaning towards altering his living situation, and you’re upset about his living situation?
The problem isn’t his living situation — the problem is that you pretended to be OK with his living situation because you didn’t think it would matter that you weren’t okay with it, in the long run. You haven’t been honest with him about it, and you need to come clean. You’re not comfortable with it, and you don’t see a future with someone in that situation.
He’s already leaning towards leaving, so it may well work out for you, but if it doesn’t, next time don’t pretend you’re okay with something when you’re not. JUST-ANOTHER-BOSTONIAN Either learn to accept it, or leave. ELLLEEM Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to .
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