Best dating a married separated man who wont divorce

best dating a married separated man who wont divorce

• You chose to date a separated man who still lives with his wife. • Either because of the circumstances or because of your natural disposition, you acted anxious and needy. • Your insecurity either suffocated him or pushed him away to the point that he was willing to break up with you. •. Good Bye Separated/Married man. One more thing? What do I say to him the next time he texts or calls HUGE mistake ! I don’t fault men who didn’t want to date me in my limbo marital status. I don’t even fault much the men who knew the score up front, said they were fine with it, but then when we started to get more emotionally attached, started to get angry about the situation. The best thing I ever did to boost my love life in this incarnation of singledom was to finally get that divorce decree !

best dating a married separated man who wont divorce

From time to time I will check out to see what sort of dating-related questions he gets (and the resulting comments). Yesterday’s was from a man who is legally separated (and will be for 3 years) and wonders if he’s screwed from a dating perspective.

Since I am the expert on this topic and the author of , I did comment on the post, but wanted to go into more detail here. “Separated” is a Red Flag Yes, the word “separated” will scare women. Anyone who’s ever gone through a divorce, or knows someone who has, knows just how emotionally and legally messy it can be. And, “separated” can mean many things: • “Just moved out and haven’t filed any legal papers yet” • “In the process of divorce and fighting over the house and kids” • “We’ve agreed to everything but have to finish out the waiting period” Any woman dating a separated or divorcing man is taking a risk.

Sure, some of these guys’ divorces aren’t that complicated and they’re emotionally ready to move on, but most aren’t. The trick is to know this and handle the situation properly. Don’t Be Dishonest Guys hate anything that will scare women away because they know it reduces their odds, and no guy likes reduced odds. This often leads to stupid behaviors like deception and lying – for example, not telling a woman your marital status until you’ve gone out too many times or, worse, telling a woman you’re divorced (especially online!) and then admitting the truth later.

You have to be honest or you’ll look like a dick – you just have to know how to spin it. For example: • Tell her the divorce is moving along and you’ve got everything under control. Even if it’s a mess, your handling it will make her feel at ease.

• Spare her the details. She’s your date, not your shrink. Deal with your divorce on your own time and focus on her when you’re together. • Emphasize the good points. If the divorce is in the final stages, share that, ONLY if it’s true. Share if you and your ex agree on many things, if you have no kids to fight over, or if your family supports the divorce.

She will get past the “separated” label IF you show her you have things under control and aren’t going to make her life miserable. You Can’t Just Think About “Me” The problem with separated men is that they want to date because they’re tired of being alone and unhappy and want some hope after the pain of divorce. This is natural. But as I discuss in , many may not consider what they have to offer a woman.

They don’t realize that women don’t want a guy who can’t give her what she needs, who drags her into his divorce by complaining about it, who subjects her to the anger and jealousy of his ex.

If you’re separated and want to date, you need to consider things from her perspective. Be honest (with her and with yourself) about where you are and what you can offer, shield her from your ex and the details of your divorce, and, even though you’re needy right now, focus on her and what she needs. Guys who can do this have more successful relationships during divorce and avoid bringing more drama into their lives.

Resources I agree with this. Had a really good friend that I met after I separated from my ex (my ex and I were rushed into the marriage by church and whatnot, it wasn’t something either of us wanted or considered it a real marriage). This friend and I, after several months, actually almost stopped talking because of my ex, we no longer talk about her and have since realized that we like each other.

We are talking and considering the dating process, but I’ve had to wait six months before I can file for divorce, since I had to move back to my home state, this means the filing process hasn’t yet been started, but my ex and I have not spoken and she has since moved on with her life, last I heard. So, I’ve moved on with mine. This friend of mine, I have very deep feelings for, and I am careful to not bring the divorce into her life, but I am honest with her.

• Hi, I’m currently dating a guy who is going through a divorce. I am a very supportive and giving person, and don’t mind being patient while he is going through that process. We have agreed to take it slow but continue to see one another. What I find is that all of my needs are not being met, but I am not sure of how to articulate that in a manner that does not sound demanding.

I see this person as having great qualities, which is why I am still involved in this situation. I know this post hasn’t gone into much detail, but I would appreciate any advice/guidance you may provide. Yours truly, Alison.

• Hi Alison, I’m in the same boat…kind of. I’ve been dating a guy for 3 years, he’s been separated for 2 years and about 6 months ago said they were starting the divorce process. 6 months ago?? After he was separated for a year, we moved in together, he has 2 daughters, now 14 and 16, whom I get along with very well but I assumed (never do that) that he was going to start the divorce process as surely, he wasn’t planning on staying separated forever…or was he?

The first time I brought up the question of whether he was planning on getting a divorce, he freaked out on me 🙁 saying that things are fine as they are right not, the guy always gets screwed in a divorce and just a bunch of not so nice things. I gave up on it for a bit (instead I should just have left!) I told him how it made me feel, he didn’t seem to care and thought I was just causing problems. I left after a year of living together. He wanted to work it out and said he was getting the divorce, but yet still called it an ultimatum that I was giving him :S.

I asked again a few months later if it was started, he said no and I said again, I’m outta here. Finally he asked her for the divorce 6 months ago and she agreed.

The next month, SHE went to a lawyer and got it started…….SHE did, HE did eff all. Back in Dec. he said he was picking up the papers then got a call that the lawyer had to get the marriage certificate yet….I recently asked him what was happening with it and he just said he was waiting. I told him I didn’t understand how 2 months ago it was ready and then it was just a matter of getting a marriage certificate and still waiting?? He got mad at me and claims that I’m pushing him, it will happen…blah, blah, blah.

Do you think I’m being played 🙁 • Honestly, I am in the same situation. He (supposedly) asked her for a divorce, and she filed but he did not??

Seems odd but I’ve seen this happen before. I believe my BF is truly going through divorce and I have seen the noteritzed documents to support, however, he just separated and it is all too soon….and he made it appear as if they were separated longer.

Which is bizarre and pissed me off. I trust that the relationship is in fact over however the separation is too new, I feel I deserve to be the priority and strongly believe how a relationship starts is how it will end AND, it just should not be this hard. I also do not want this situation to hold me back from having a healthy relationship with the right person. I you are okay with waiting, being patient and supporting the emotional roller coster that someone goes through when going through a separation/divorce, then you can handle it.

It is difficult for me and I simply cannot. I will not but myself through this again. • Really interesting post. I have recently met a wonderful man that I found to be a perfect match for me.

We have been dating for a few months, had some very wonderful dates and enjoyed our time together. During our dates we have discussed our marriages, divorces and the lessons we each learned during those. I found him to be honest and forthcoming about his responsiblity and the changes he knew he had to make. When we first met he said that he had been divorced for 18 months. I started to freak out because things seemed too right and I have made some pretty poor choices when it came to men. So I started looking online and seeing what I could find out about this man I had met thru the internet.

Now, at this point we have spent a great deal of time together and I have already done a criminal back ground check so I know he is not a crazy stalker.

But I find out he and his wife have only filed for divorce 4 months before we met, so he has not been divorced for 18 months. I have a feeling he was doing just as was said, trying to not scare me off on the first date and now how does he explain that months later. I don’t know how to confront him about it. • HI, I have been in a serious relationship with a married man for 8 months now.

He has decided to move out and get separated, he is in the process now of moving. He is very trust worthy because everything that he has told me has ended up being true or has happened. His a bit older then me and my parents have a serious problem with it and they don’t know that he is separated. If they do find out I dont know what they will do. So i guess the question im asking is if its worth it? I love him with all my heart and want a serious long term relationship with him and he also says he can see a future with me.

HELP! • Hard to say if it’s worth it at this point….8 months is not very long. Is he already separated then? Good sign is that he has done everything he says he has 🙂 Be honest with him about how you feel, but don’t wait too long as you need to be happy too. If he is planning a serious relationship with you, he needs to be divorced. Are there kids involved? • No kids involved. At this point ive let him know that i want a break (Not a breakup) until he moves out in mid march. he volunteered and said he wanted to move out and work on “us” and make me a priority.

He says thats his plan and he wants a future with me. His already found a place and has told his wife his moving out. So i guess i need to wait and see if he actually does move out. if he doesn’t then be done with him but if he does, talk to him about our further together.

• Very smart 🙂 and hopefully the waiting period doesn’t drag. My mistake after he told me the process was starting was thinking it had started, when it hadn’t. He just brought it up to his ex that they should divorce and then didn’t do anything. Like magically it was going to happen on it’s own! Ugh! He did just tell me that she was following up and that he’d ask her every week if he had to. I just wanted him to take charge you know?

Not leave it to his ex to start it since HE asked her for the divorce for goodness sake! I think it’s a man thing. Anyway, he knows that this whole waiting is prolonging our future and will not hesitate to move on without him. We’ll see what happens. I won’t bug him about it everyday but I will surely not give up because it needs to be dealt with.

Her side of the paperwork is done apparently, so why the heck is it taking 4 months to get to him???? • I’ve been dating a separated man for about three months. He and his wife have been separated since September. We actually went to high school together and caught up online around the end of November 2013 which is when he was given the divorce papers. He waited over a month to respond to her demands which I sort of influenced him to do. He seemed to be struggling with what was happening.

My advice was to take some action because it would start to help him put some finality to the divorce which once he hired an attorney and responded, everything with him seemed to progress. I don’t think either of us thought we’d have the connection we do.

When we first started talking, I’d get numerous texts from him every day, and we’d have lengthy conversations almost every day. As time went on, they’d become less and less, but when we’d talk on the phone or spend time together, we were always in a good place.

I’ve never been divorced and I don’t have children, so I don’t know how to navigate this situation. And because he is such a great guy I’ve really had to remind myself of what he’s going through when my patience starts to wear thin. I, like most of the comments on this page have not wanted to make demands on him because of what’s happening, so I tread lightly with my feelings, and I always make sure to stay clear of advice with his children and his ex.

I only know what I know of her because of what he tells me. But I know there are two sides to every story. The last month or so, our communication has changed. When he has his kids I don’t usually plan on hearing from him. His kids should ALWAYS be his number one priority, and I never want to interfere with their time.

This last week he’s hardly called me, but I’ve seen him. When we went out he told me that he had felt like something had been missing because we hadn’t talked. We’ve always been able to be honest and forthcoming with each other which is something I’ve appreciated about our situation, so I feel like he would tell me if he were in a different place, but I’ve also put that expectation on others only to be disappointed.

I just don’t know how to approach the not calling or texting situation without it seeming like a demand. I just don’t understand what has changed. I do really care for this amazing man. Do I stick this out or do I figure out a way to let it go? • I would say stick with it. You both obviously have a connection for each other that most people do not. I would say you need to sit him down and talk to him. Tell him what exactly you want to happen and how you feel about him.

just be super careful because his most likely going to put his kids before you. Bottom line: you just need to ask him about the calling/texting. If he truly cares about you he will make a small time out of his day to talk to you. If he blames it on his kids there really is not much you can do because you dont know if is telling the truth or a lie.

If you are able to deal with this for 6 more months then I think everything will start to change once they get divorced. Has he said he wants a divorce right after the year is up? • The state I live doesn’t require a waiting period longer than 90 days which has passed. Right now, it’s the waiting for them to agree on each other’s demands of the divorce.

She is fighting what he wants for custody, so this could go on for some time. He’s never given me any reason to doubt what he says. Honestly, I think I spend too much time in my head because of past relationships which is not fair to put on him. Obviously, there’s some work there that needs to be done. I appreciate your input. This hasn’t been the easiest thing I’ve ever done, but there’s a lot of reasons he’s worth it.

Hopefully in six months there won’t be so much up and down. Actually, I’d hope if there is I’d be smart enough to remove myself from the situation. Thanks again. • Jessica, Clearly it’s been a few years since your post here.

Could you possibly give an update to this about how everything went with waiting, and with him being involved in his kids lives (and balancing time with you?). I know every situation is different, but do you have any tips for giving yourself priority, but at the same time trying to be considerate?

Thank you • I would love an update on Jessica’s situation as well. I have just fell into the same situation, that I never thought I would he is (separated(1yr)-moved out on his own(5 months)after being married for 27 years, adult kids.

I am single never married, we connected by chance and have started spending time together. I am struggling to continue or walkway. Separated is not legal, and divorce has not began. We are not dating we are just spending time together and texting once a week. • So I was seeing this man he has been separated for 5 mths and I have been for 3 mths and I completely wasn’t ready for any of it and probably scared him away.

But I can’t stop thinking about him and the way we left things I made him completely think I was only into him for one thing….. And when we finally did it I froze and then freaked out, so he told me he wasn’t feeling it right now.. What does that mean??? So I texted him to ask if whatever we had was over he said I guess so!!! What does that mean. I want to talk to him and tell him how I really feel but I don’t know if I should or just let it go?

• Hi i am in need of some help. Heres my situation. I have been seeing a married man for 8 months now. We are madly in love and he has already signed a lease to move into his own place and has already set a date to move out. things were great with us until recently my parents found out i was seeing a married man. they are very angry with me and have been contemplating taking away certain things like money.

I still count on them for financial support. The married man has not told his wife that he is seeing someone else but when my parents contacted him and told him that they were going to tell her he said he was going to tell her this weekend. I have not been in contact with my boyfriend since all of this has went down because my parents are making it impossible to.

I truly love this man and he loves me. He has been upfront and honest with me since the beginning. I see a real future with him and he severely hurts me not to be in contact with him or see him. it seems like im having to choose between my parents and him and i dont think it should be that way or that difficult.

I know my parents probably will still have an issue when he is legally separated but when his finally divorced they may still have a problem as well. I dont think i could bare being away from him so I dont know what to do. • I have been seeing a man for about a month and a half. He’s been separated from his wife for two years, and the divorce will be final in april.

We honestly have clicked and I feel like all my needs are getting met, but I’m still worried about this separation thing. I dated a man when I was in my early twenties, who was recently divorced and I found out I was his emotional bridge.

We are taking this really slow, but I can’t help wondering if this will end okay? He was honest from the beginning that he was separated, and he’s dated several women before me. He was honest that they had been a rebound.

Should I trust him? Or am I being played? HELP! • I’ve been married for 3 years and we recently separated about 2 month ago. We were together for 7 years but ran into a rough patch. I personally have realized that i wasn’t a great husband, and she knows she wasn’t a perfect wife.

My problem is after i begged, cried and she still didn’t react i gave up. She told me to date people to learn how to chase after a woman. I have a problem with this because we still are having sex (which i know is bad, but i didn’t want a divorce she does, and i can see her struggling or her desire for us to act like a couple ex: cuddling after sex; every time we see each she wants a hug.

I don’t know if she is confused and just having trouble leaving or is just using me until she decides to move on. Recently we began telling each other the truth about things no matter how hurtful it is and a guy she was friends with at starbucks (who is divorced has been someone she talks to because he had/ has some of the same problems she is having.

She claims he is just a friend and that she doesn’t see him that way.) Tonight i discovered due to our phones calenders still being synced that she is to have dinner with him.

I’m assuming that this just means I am a idiot who is still hoping our marriage works while she is possibly seeing if someone peaks her interest. I don’t know what I should do. • I feel like from what you are saying your wife or ex (which ever fits best) wants to have her cake and eat it to. If you feel that having some time apart and dating other people is beneficial to you as a person go for it!

However, if she is encouraging this because she wants you to learn how to treat HER better that is selfish on her part. Some of the separation time should be used to establish what you want a need as a man (maybe father?) and partner. I think if a clean break for a bit is possible (obviously if there are kids involved this probably isn’t) you should try that for a few month.

That will give both of you a chance to really evaluate yourselves and your relationship. I don’t think your wife is a bad person, probably just as confused and scared as anyone would be after any type of break up.

My boyfriend and his ex have been separated for two year and the divorce proceedings have been going on for a year+ and has been very messy (just when I get my hopes up that things are going to be put to bed something else happens and everything gets re opened).

It kills me to think that he has to go through this alone….but I needed to set boundaries for my own well being. You can be supportive of someone without taking on their emotion baggage and carrying it for them. • I’ve been seeing a married man for 6 months now. He has been physically separated from her for over a year – they were married for 14 years and out of those 14 years, 12 of them were not living in a ‘married’ fashion due to her medical issues She has since gotten better the past few years and he now feels comfortable divorcing her.

He said he has felt obligated to help her. He’s one of those men that will give you the shirt off his back, and sees only the good in everyone. Some of the things he has told me about her is describing a money-hungry woman. He has paid for both of her daughter’s (from a previous marriage) college educations, including master’s degrees, he paid for all of their braces (wife included), medical bills, etc.

When he told her he wanted a divorce, she said “who is going to pay my bills’? Not “I don’t want to lose you’. She’s now wanting spousal support and trying to get claimed as being disabled. He has hired a very good attorney and because of her retirement status (she’s making about 3k a month) the attorney says she is ineligible to obtain spousal support.

We are completely in love with each other – we started off as friends completely, and it developed into something much deeper. I’ve never had anyone feel this strongly about me and he says he has never felt like this about anyone. Me neither… He said he just ‘settled’ in the past, as did I. Patience is key, especially if it’s with the right one. We are waiting until the divorce is final to go public with our relationship and to go out on a date..He’s definitely a keeper!

My question is how long should we wait to ‘come out’ after his divorce is final…we live in a pretty small town. Their marriage was over a long time ago, but I don’t want to step on any toes. He told his mom about me and I guess I’m just getting impatient to live a normal life. • Sorry, as i am laughing reading this. Do you realize how rediculous this sounds?

He feels obligated? That’s because after 14 years of marriage he IS obligated. How about he even paid for her braces? It’s usually how married couples handle medical bills…yes, even braces. I’m divorcing my husband of over 20 years so now he will be finally telling the truth about being single. Calling her money hungry? I’m sure my soon to be ex will be telling his girlfriends the same thing about me, but it’s pretty black and white.

There is a formula for spousal support. There are reasons why some men pay more than others…maybe they deserve to. I’m not saying all of them, but with mine…yes, even Dr’s can be con artist.

I honestly feel sorry for whoever falls for his lies, but it’s not going to be my problem anymore. You honestly have no idea what an ex-wife is all about and it’s unfair to even speculate. A mans children are his biggest testimony as our children have begged me to divorce their dad, yes..his biological children.

Will I attempt to get as much support for them as I can? You bet I will, because they never signed up for this. I personally will make more money than him, so it’s not about the money. Why do woman even get involved with this sort of headache? When I start dating, I will be 100% divorced. Life is complicated enough. • I met my “separated” boyfriend 4 months after he left his wife.

It has been 4 years of emotional HELL! I am a widow, and ready to move on with my life, but he is still dealing with his wife a two adult children. In the 4 years we have been together, I have broke up with him numerous times, and after promises that things will change, I give our relationship another chance. I was a secret from his family for the first year. He told them about me after our 1st breakup. I know that I am the weak link that keeps going back to the situation! Our last breakup, he decided to put a ring on my finger, even though his wife is still pissing around with the divorce.

They haven’t even talked about the divorce for 6 months after it stalled AGAIN! He had filed for the divorce through the internet, and she talked him into withdrawing the divorce so SHE could do it correctly. That was 2 years ago! I am emotionally exhausted, and just keep my frustrations to myself now to keep from ugly fights with him. PLEASE…do NOT get involved with a “separated” man until the divorce is FINAL!!!

It is HORRIBLE! • I agree……DO NOT get involved with a person who is not legally divorced. Save yourself from the heartache and pain. Having said that, also make sure that they are completely over their ex…….my boyfriend wasn’t at first unfortunately 🙁 Hence the no interest in seeking a divorce until I finally gave him, what he calls an ultimatum, which if that’s what he wants to call it fine, but it was ME telling him that I do not want to be involved with a person who has no intentions of getting a divorce.

I have always been a strong and independent person and I can’t believe how much shit (excuse my language) I put up with 🙁 I feel I failed myself 🙁 I haven’t asked about the divorce for a few weeks. Last update was their lawyers settling the pension portion. Can’t believe it takes this long. He gets angry when I start asking too many questions, but what I have told myself, I am concentrating on my own life right now with no intention of moving in with him (he thinks this is going to happen once divorced) until he’s been divorced for a while.

He told me he wants to marry me, so great, but he can propose, then we can get married and THEN live together. Sucks that I spent over 2 1/2 years ‘waiting’ but there’s no one to blame but myself. So people, DO NOT GET INVOLVED UNTIL THE PERSON IS DIVORCED!! • I’m actually on the other side of this.

My ex and I have been separated for a a few months now, however I met a girl and I really like her. I’ve been up front and honest with her about everything that she’s asked, even going so far as to offer to have her confirm everything with the ex. She says she wants to take it slow and I agree with her, I don’t want to lose her I really like her quite a bit and we’re both on the same level with pretty much everything.

I text her in the morning just to check in, and we usually talk for about 10 minutes a day at some point to see how things are going that day. I work nights so she’ll check in on me via text to just wish me a good day.

We’ve done something once a week, and I’ve gone to her place to eat dinner on my lunch break one time so far, and that was pretty great. Overall I don’t think there are any problems, but I’m of course concerned that I may have missed things that I shouldn’t, i.e.

I’m more just looking for a sanity check. She’s concerned that she’s the rebound girl, and I don’t really understand how someone can treat anyone like a rebound in general.

I have a real problem with people treating women like objects as well, and things of that nature, so perhaps I’m just odd. Anyhow, any tips would be appreciated. I know to ask her questions and let her talk about what she wants to talk about and overall that’s always worked great for me with women, but I’ve never been in the situation of meeting someone while going through a divorce (an amicable one, no arguing about anything) and want to make sure that I do not alienate this girl in the process.

I think about her constantly and have a smile on my face while doing it, and that’s never been something that I’ve experienced with any other woman, so I don’t want to mess it up. • Here’s my situation. Met a great guy, separated three months. He’s states, and his friends/family verify that the marriage has been over a long time, he filed for divorce and has a lawyer.

Things were going amazing the fist while, but in the past week things not so good. He got a letter from the IRS about money they owe for several years ago, she served him with other papers, he’s worried about finances.

Our time now is very limited, don’t talk as much because he’s working more. He’ll never go back to her, I know that. But am I just too emotional, and reading too much into this! Should I stick it out? • I’ve been dating a separated man for 6 months now. before I met him he was separated for 2 years.

His ex and him do not talk at all expect for texting when to pick and drop kids. Am a single mother of one daughter (4 yrs). We have a great connection, get along very well, talk for hours and see each other atleast once in two weeks (we live in different towns – an hour & half drive). He has been very open to me about his past, current situation, the process etc.

My only concern is that the ex has not file the divorce yet she asked him to leave, he has asked her a couple of time with no response. He now says his option is to wait 5yrs (of separation – which he has done 2 already) for automatic divorce. I love him but I don’t know if I can date for 3 years….it sounds a long time. it concerns me. • Sorry for the late response, I have had busy weeks. Well, we have spoken about it and he says he never thought of filing because she called it off and he didn’t want her to use it against him to his children.

He also says his friend (who has gone through similar situation) advised him its easy to wait for 5 year as the process does not require any consent from both parties. One think I can say am sure is that he will never get back with his ex and he truly loves me and want a long-term future with me. I love him too and he has always treated me with respect and kept me updated/involved on his separation progress.

I guess am the one who does not have the energy to date for that long especially am a mother of a 5 yrs old girl. • Bothle, I’m in the same situation, he’s been separated for 3 years now, we see each other few times a week, I met his teenage daughter (him and his ex have joint custody), as well as his entire close family.

He did not file for divorce yet saying that because he needs to settle some materialistic items they had acquired while being together. When I asked few times when he’ll file, I always get the same response: soon baby ….lol Well, again, if it’s the 5 years waiting period, and I have to wait another 2years dating married man, I don’t know if I can hold on to him, he claims he loves me, shows me all the time, I know he can’t stand his ex, and I love him too.

Maybe it’s worth waiting considering my bad prior relationships:) • Angela & , As everyone has stated in this blog…it is very difficult to date a “separated/married” man. Every state is different in their laws of how long you need to wait before both parties need consent. I encourage you to find out your laws on your own. My state is 2 years. The bottom line is, if a divorce is important to someone, they get it done. I have been listening to excuses for 4 1/2 years, and I chose to stay on the roller coaster ride.

I walked away a few months ago, and finally have reached the emotional place that I don’t want to hear all the excuses any longer. Everyone has choices in life, and we all chose to date a married man. I wish I could go back, and walk away from the beginning, but I had no idea what I was getting myself into. 🙁 • I’m dating a separated man…he moved out 2months be4 we met.They were married for 10yrs have 2 boys .He says he abused prescription painkiller drugs and she d gone cheated and claimed to fall inlove with the other guy.He said he was willing to forgive her and work on his recovery(which he is) but he wife has refused to reconcile not supporting his recovery and after multiple tries, it’s when he moved out for good.By the way when we 1st met he told me right he is going through divorce.

We have gone out a lot, we have the same faith, I have visited where he lives now, whenever he is spending time with his boys he’s always sharing photos or their stories with me.He says he is very glad he met me.We went on a trip to see his best friend for days we had good time.She (his friend)confirms that a woman wants nothing to do with him….I told her I’m happy with him but I hate the situation …I’m not excited to be with a married man and I worry sometimes.

These are feelings I have expressed to him and I said I may act different because I’m uncomfortable with the situation.But he said he feels good with me and that there are no coincidences as such. My issue and my question I guess is….he keep saying it’s the wife that asked for divorce and the only reason she hadn’t filed for divorce is not having money (the wife says). He never really said I’m filling for divorce.

What should I do? I really like him but I’m trying to limit my time with him just soo I don’t get caught up while he hasn’t called it quit. Ps we visit my friend and her husband they love him. Sincerely Z • This is a letter to be read by anyone who takes on a married but separated man.

The separation from a spouse is probably the second worse pain anyone can experience. It is considered worse than a death due to the complicated emotions of guilt, and failure. I can often leave a man or woman feeling suicidal, the pain is so great. In better cases, the person is surrounded by loving family members and close friends to help them through. And then there are those who have no one.

It is you who steps in to become their friend. It is you giving them perhaps advice that may not be what is best. It is you who is now meddling under the guise of being a friend to someone who may not really be ready to say good-bye to their marriage and may need time to think it through.

A healthy separation is the prior where friends, and family help to heal. The latter is a situation where the broken are being taken advantage of and slowly brought into a relationship out of desperateness. And when it becomes what you have been looking for, now intimate affair that has resulted, the wife who is yearning for the return of her husband must now bear the first and most painful experience of all: infidelity.

I am begging of you all to allow for our husbands to return to us. I am begging you all to stay far from the man until you know for sure his marriage cannot be saved. It would save the world alot of pain.. Thanks- Cynthia Patouhas • Cyndi, Well said!

I believe this also applies if the marriage is truly over. I stepped into a “separated” man’s life not realizing the guilt that he would never deal with. He cannot commit to another relationship until he completely ends the prior relationship, and that is painful for them. Being the new relationship women, was also extremely painful. Always being last in line, waiting for 4 1/2 years for him to deal with his guilt, and follow through on all his promises he made to me. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, since I am a widow.

I have learned a valuable lesson, and finally walked away from the horrible mess, and am healing. (it’s been 4 months) He has tried to make promises again, but I know that he is emotionally unable to do follow through. STAY AWAY FROM A SEPARATED MAN! • Hi all, I am currently in love with a separated man.

We both feel strongly for each other. She left him after 27 years and it hurt him pretty bad…. I have read your posts and than you for your sharing your thoughts and experiences. This is the first time in my life I have truly been in love. We met about 4 months after his separation took place. We have this bond with each other that is beautiful and undeniable.

About one month after we started dating, things started to happen in his world, job change, stress etc…. and to protect me, he pushed me away. He took a job over the summer in another state. I grieved this loss. This is how knew what we had was real. I knew he felt the same way. He knew he was protecting me, but that didn’t make things any easier. Months went by. I heard from him. We started communicating again. Now that he is back local again, we have started seeing each other again, knowing that we need to keep things on a lighter side until Feb when his divorce is final.

This being said, it still doesn’t make things easier. Mary, states it best, its still emotional hell. At best I see him maybe 2 times a week. We even talked about taking another break apart but we both are more miserable apart. We know this transition between now and February is going to be rough. I feel like I will never be a priority between his kids and his job.

He has alot of healing to do himself from all of this. But the heart wants what the heart wants and the Universe knows no timing…….I feel like if I give up too soon Ill regret it.

But at the same time, I feel like i deserve so much more….maybe I am too selfish for this? I try to keep positive and strong. But its hard when time after time plans are broken promises are broken. I know he is doing the best he can do right now to keep himself together, keep 2 households afloat, etc…..thank you for hearing me …..any advice would be truly welcome…Love and Light <3 • Suzanne, {{{hug}}} I can sympathize with you from the emotional pain I have been through for the past 4 1/2 years.

Every situation is different, and if his divorce is final in February, then your situation is one step further than many others that have dated a separated man. However, he still has so much emotional and financial baggage to deal with in the future.

Make certain you are prepared to deal with the soon to be ex wife and kids pulling him in one direction, and you waiting for him to figure things out in the other direction. Even though I finally walked away, my heart still loves the man that didn’t belong to me. He continues to try and contact me with his empty promises, but I don’t believe him any longer. It still hurts like hell…but someday soon I will be able to date again, or be content alone. I bought a puppy as a new companion in my life, and I push myself to go out with girlfriends or my daughters and have fun.

Fake it till you make it!!! Do you know for certain that he truly filed for the divorce? Why can’t you see each other more than 2 times a week? If you decide to wait for him, please go out with friends and have fun while you wait.

Don’t lock yourself up waiting and hoping for something that may not happen. Enjoy your life everyday to the best of your ability, and if this separated man is who is in your future…it will happen without you “waiting” till he figures out what he wants. Everyday is a gift…live in the present and enjoy the gift without waiting for tomorrow. 🙂 • I’m still waiting for the divorce to be final.

It’s been 4 years together, last Sept. divorce process starting….it’s over 1 year now. First excuse, waiting for original marriage certificate, 2nd excuse, waiting for pension to be calculated, which I know for a fact now it was ready to be calculated back in July, 3rd excuse, waiting for the ex’s lawyer to respond to his lawyer. I don’t want to be a bitch and try to rush this, I know it will cost him, well them both, but without this divorce, I am not moving in with him and he knows it.

Guess I’m not important enough huh? Doesn’t it sound like that? 🙁 He’s always worried about finances, he has 2 teenage girls that require LOTS and he can’t say no to, plus he’s always paying for stuff that the ex doesn’t and probably because she can’t afford it as she’s being realistic, they know that Dad will always give them whatever they need. Once (if ever) the divorce is done, that will be a few thousand dollars that he won’t have to spoil the girls with and that’s what’s probably holding him back.

I don’t know, I’m very confused and know that I need to move on because he’s always going to have these issues but I am kind of embarrassed to have my family and friends see that we just wasted each others’ time and they probably all knew we wouldn’t make it.

🙁 • I met someone recently to hang out with every once in a while just as friends, but during our first meeting we got along quite well – we held hands during a movie and there was mutual interest from what I could tell. I have been separated from my ex for 5 months, and if all goes well the divorce will be finalized by the end of the year. No kids involved, and no conflicts as far as asset division is concerned.

I have told the woman I met this and she seems OK with my reasons to take things extremely slow and just be friends for awhile – as I had told her about my divorce (ex had an affair with a coworker for several months and is still with this person the last I heard.) Needless to say I am conflicted about meeting someone I would be interested in dating even though the paperwork hasn’t been finished, but I find that being able to be honest with her about this and answering questions when they come up (without hiding anything but also without making it a constant topic of discussion either) has been the most helpful.

For all I know things won’t work out because she might be concerned about me be willing to commit to something long-term so soon after the divorce (a legitimate reason) so I guess I should be ready for that. Nevertheless, she is nice and I enjoyed meeting her, and I have no desire to hurt her feelings whatsoever. Not to mention that before I found out about the affair that I wouldn’t have even considered being in such a situation 🙁 • Hi I’ve been dating a guy for just over three months.

It was an instant connection. We fell for each other quite fast. He told me he loved me only after a month of dating. He’s been separated for seven months. He told me that the marriage ended because they fell apart. I found a letter just over a week ago that he wrote to his ex only a month ago claiming he was sorry for cheating on her! And he was sorry the he didn’t fight for the marriage, that he loved her and wanted to give it another chance!

My heart was broken. He’s telling me he wrote it out of guilt for the cheating…which he failed to tell me about. I love him but have red flags telling me to get out.

I need advice please! • Poppy, You need to read all the comments on this blog! If you haven’t read Christie’s book “Dating The Divorced Man: Sort Through the Baggage to Decide If He’s Right for You”, please read it!!! You don’t need advice, you already know what the answer is. 🙁 Keep your eyes open, listen to your head, and not your heart.

Red flags!!!! WALK away, and be strong! Tell him that once he is divorced, to give you a call. Do not put yourself through the hell I have been through for over 4 years!!! It is difficult to walk away, but you will heal, and be much happier with time. 🙂 • Poppy — Just walk away now … ….I just recently had to walk away for round number 2 ( in the past 2 weeks ) after reading the advice and going with my intuition, it was the right thing to do..and the hardest… Its going to sting, its going to hurt.

But like my story, no future can be made until the healing takes place and final divorce has been made….and even once a divorce is final, doesn’t mean that they are going to be ready and healed. those are red flags for a reason…Heed the warnings….they mean STOP…take note of the situation…it sucks right now, but i PROMISE you it gets better…the best relationship you can focus on right now is the one with yourself — remember that….listen to your intuition, intuition never lies..

and think about it….he cheated on her…..he failed to tell you this…..ponder on that…zebra stripes do not change……..Love and Light, Suzanne • I have been dating a separated man for 8 months now, and he’s only officially been separated from his wife for 1 month.

We dated while they were in marriage counselling, etc and they have two children together. He has always, from day one, been open and honest with me in terms of what is going on. Of course we did not intend to start dating before his separation, but it kind of just happened and we fell for one another.

His wife and him have had issues in their marriage for a little over a year prior to us getting together. She’s not very accepting of the separation, and I feel for her.

Him and I have tried to end our relationship several times, feeling so guilty for the pain we could cause. But our undeniable love for one another always brings us back together.

I have never once asked him to end his marriage, that is his choice. All I’ve asked is that if there is no hope for us, that he let me go and we move on. Fast-forward and now they are officially separated and working out their terms and conditions for assets and how they will divide the time for their children. I am extremely understanding of the situation at hand, and very trusting of him and everything he tells me.

My jealousy is very minimal, but it does exist. This is not an easy relationship by any means, but at the end of the day, our love for another conquers all the obstacles we face, and have yet to face.

Dating a separated, but not divorced man is very trying. You have to first know 100% what you are getting into, and even then there will be many curves and bumps in the road. There must be love, trust, and communication, like any relationship.

And for those whose men have children with their exes, understand that they are always going to be a part of each other’s lives as parents to their children. Patience and understanding go a long way. -Laura • I’d like some advice or opinion on the following situation I’ve been going through.

My bf of 4 years has 2 kids (14 and 16 years of age…..in 4 months they will be 15 and 17) who he has a set schedule with and this works out great. Is it fair on our relationship if anytime there is an event that their mother cannot afford or whatever the reason is, to take them on her scheduled time with them, that it should always fall on him?

He says he doesn’t want them to miss out and I get that but isn’t he inadvertently helping is ex out which makes it financially easier on her if he does this all the time? He also makes me feel like ‘if I don’t like it too bad’…..like I’m being shunned.

Meanwhile, their mother is more realistic that she can’t afford stuff and gets much more respect from the kids than he does. They know ‘daddy’ will always pay, buy, etc. I’m not trying to tell him what to do but I just don’t think it’s fair as he can’t really afford it himself, but feels too guilty if he can’t. Help? • My marriage has been on slow motion self destruct for a period stretching decades. It is finally over and we are kind to each other but both basically happy to be free.

We have 2 kids and are cooperating well in raising them and caring for her terminally ill mother. While I am ABSOLUTELY in no hurry to get another relationship started, are there any options for a guy who just wants to have fun.

I am not a monk, although the lack of sex in my marriage might suggest otherwise. And this is the crux of the problem – my energy is so pent up that my self esteem is crap.

Are there no women out there happy to just fool around with no expectations? Is everything just this single track to ill considered relationships that deplete and trap both parties? I am a handsome, healthy, creative and wealthy guy who thinks deeply about things. Can’t this be enough for the time being? • Sam: yes, that can be enough for the time being. You know what you want and what you’re ready for right now, and that’s a very good thing.

The trick is to make that clear to women and not send relationship signals. Online dating might be a way to meet women who are just looking for “fun.” My books for men might be helpful as well, as I address this issue… • Thanks Christie. Your answer is very affirming.

I am adverse to the whole online thing – the last date I set up was in 1988 before the Internet even existed! It is hard to get my mind around how to check out chemistry with a person remotely. Oh well, I’ve gotten this far in life so I should be able to figure it out 🙂 Thanks again • I’m currently a separated man who has been legally separated now for 4 months.

I was married for 15 years to this woman and we have two teenage daughters together. However, my soon to be ex-wife started an affair with another married man who has kids of his own earlier this year and is still seeing him. I did not find out about the affair until August. At the beginning of March this year she started acting strange in our relationship and asked for a divorce citing that “we had just grown apart”. She refused all attempts at counseling etc. However, as I was not seeking to end our marriage I believed I should not be the one to have to move out.

She also is a musician and therefore her income was pretty limited so she kept saying she could not move out either and needed time to figure things out. In the meantime she kept asking me to prepare a separation agreement which would be ready to sign “when she did eventually move out”, which I did, with multiple versions given to her, again prepared by me even though she was the one who wanted out, but she couldn’t take a second to prepare one herself.

Anyway, she never did sign an agreement as there always seemed to be something not quite to her satisfaction. As the months went by I became more and more suspicious of the reasons for her wanting to end our marriage and believed that she was getting greedy in the agreement and also hiding something from me. After doing some PI work of my own I caught her in her affair.

At that point I retained an attorney and I was able to have her legally removed from the marital home based on a divorce from bed and board procedure which is available in my State and for which you can have the other spouse who committed adultery removed from the marital home as it is considered an indignity against the other to not move out in such a case.

Once I started this procedure she quickly got her sh*t together and found a job and moved out before the sheriff had to have her physically removed based on the court order. I also have taken her to court as part of this procedure and had a judgement in my favor that I will not have to pay alimony or any form of post separation support. We have also resolved the child custody issue and while I initially was going to fight for full custody I did not want my children to be torn apart or brought into court to state which parent they wanted to be with more and upon reflection agreed to joint.

So all that is left to resolve is property issues, which granted are relatively substantial, as in addition to our own marital home in which I still reside, we have a number of rental properties which have underperformed in the property market and could be an issue trying to dispose of.

My point is my ex tried to pull the wool over my eyes for about 6 months prior to actually having our legal separation period start as she did not tell me the truth of why she wanted to end the marriage and refused to move out and let the process start at the same time. I feel like she wasted 6 months of my life.

In that 6 months we lived under the same roof but were separated in all but name as she slept in a different room and hardly conversed with me. However, in my state you must be “legally” separated for one year before filing for a divorce which means not sharing the same roof. As stated I’m now only 4 months into that process….it could have been much longer if my ex had just moved out and wasn’t so conniving for all those months prior to that. There is absolutely no chance of reconciliation….we don’t even communicate unless it’s through our attorneys at present.

I can never forgive her for what she has done. The affair is one thing but the manipulation of me for months and months is what really blows any chance of reconciling, even if I wanted to and she did, which is not the case.

There is zero love or respect left for her. I’m way past ready to move on and meet other women. Not necessarily to run into another deep relationship but just to meet and share some fun times and laughs again with someone you enjoy spending time with. If a relationship developed with such a woman it would be up to fate to decide.

I have gone online on a few dating websites which I abhor but there is not much choice…it’s hard to meet people in your 40’s like you did back in your 20’s….most people of your own age are at home with their own families and I work in a male dominated profession so meeting women through work is also difficult. So I’m stuck on the online thing and trying to give it a go. The problem is I’m been completely honest and not hiding anything….I state that I’m separated in my profile but I’m almost positive it is scaring any potential dates away…I’m not a bad looking guy in the looks department (slim and trim), educated and responsible so I feel the status of separated is proving to be a major thing going against me.

However, I do not want to lie and say something I’m not. When I try to contact a woman I always try to explain that I’m working through the process and there is no going back.

I know that some separations may end up with reconciliation but every case and situation is different and in my case it’s a case of running down the clock. It’s killing me that I have 8 more months to go before I can file for a divorce…even then the process takes another 3-4 months on average before a judge grants a decree.

So it could well be one more calendar of having this “separated status” tied around my neck like a millstone. My ex, as stated, is still seeing her new beau, which I really don’t give a crap about anymore, but it does seem to be an injustice to me that for the innocent party in this whole thing I cannot have success in meeting someone else because I’m been honest and stating my true current status.

It’s been one year by myself without any form of female company and I’m looking at one more year. Some people on here advise to stay away from separated situations but every situation is different with my story showing that my marriage is done but the process is taking what seems like an eternity to go through.

If I could file tomorrow for a divorce I would but my I can’t change my States laws and so I’m in limbo land for probably another year.

Any advice? I’m only been honest but I feel it’s the guys who are not honest are the ones who get the gal!! • Hi Joe. Since I wrote the last comment opportunities seem to be flying at me. Several women have spontaneously given me their phone numbers and have been on one date already. The trick seems to have been getting the chip off my shoulder – easier said than done.

Once I gave myself permission to just enjoy myself and concentrate on enjoying flirting the obstacle just went away. There are apparently a lot of women in my same situation. My only explanation is that it must be a body language thing. So I get that you are hurt but that wounded dude vibe might be scaring women away.

Good luck as this is a hard one and I don’t know how it shifted for me. And ditch the online stuff except for meetup – chemistry I think is better in person.

• Thanks Sam for the feedback. I agree chemistry is better in person and it’s much easier to explain my status to someone face to face rather than through an unanimated profile on a website.

I just need to start getting out more I guess….either that or just forget about the whole thing and immerse myself in a hobby instead for the next year. Glad things have turned around for you. • Hi Joe, Things kind of blew up in my face a bit with the woman I went out on a date with. Was very clear about things being casual and thereafter things progressed much more rapidly than I expected to a wonderful afternoon of love making.

A few days later, my ex out of the blue asked me point blank if I was seeing anyone. I told her yes, but it wasn’t serious, and she hit the roof and things went from the usual chilly to very angry very quickly. Then she insisted that I move the rest of my stuff out of the house.

Later it proved to be good because we both agreed the relationship was definitely over and we could see other people. Anyway, I didn’t tell my ex who I was seeing, but when I told my new friend what I told my ex, then she got very angry and told me never to contact her again.

Then a month later she contacted me, but I was feeling gun shy so I said it wasn’t a good idea and then she blew up at me and told me again she never wanted to see me again again. Angry, dominant women. This is what killed the relationship the first time around and I hope I don’t have a pattern of seeking them out. They aren’t much fun… • Im with a married man, they been seperated for 5 years & I didnt know about the marriage until months after getting involved with him.

I love him but its always in the back of my mind, I feel like im sharing him with another woman & itsnot even like that thats just how I feel. They havent done anything for a divorce & idk when they will.

If I would have known this before I got caught up I would hav never got involved. I just feel disrespected in a way he says its just a piece of paper but to me a marriage is more than that. They have a kid together too but so do we its just very frustrating because i feel like I will never have that title with him no matter how special he makes me feel. • I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now.

When we first met he was very honest with me about him and his wife going through a divorce. Although nothing has really happened with it. They have been apart for about 4 years now but 2 septembers ago he had moved out of the house ( so lived together for a year broken up and he moved out in thay september and then i met him the same yr December ) anyway i ended up moving in with him 4 months after we met.

Knowing he was going through a divorce process. Anyway there hasnt been a divorce process. Neither of them bring it up! I am very patient but i also express to him how i feel and ask him when he plans on moving forward with the divorce.

His response is he is waiting for her to file. He has done everything that he could ok his end ( meaning they already figured everything out on how they are going to seperate things.) So whats the wait for?? Is it normal to start losing trust in him when he hasn’t done anything wrong? Everytime she texts him about the kids i dont trust it. Someone please tell me is this normal and how do i handle thia moving forward? • Theresa, My advice to stay at a distance as a friend only, and WAIT until the divorce is final.

You will save yourself SO much heartache! Let him work out all his emotions, and deal with his “wife” without butting in, and distance yourself emotionally. (easier said than done). Believe me…I learned a valuable lesson being in a serious relationship with a married man for 4 1/2 years of emotional turmoil. My married man’s divorce will be final later this month, and so much damage has been done between us.. He is now dating another woman. It’s okay, I am too bitter to be with anyone right now.

Good luck~ • My ex bf I met 6 weeks after he split with his wife (I did not know that at the time) we were hot an heavy 2 months before he got cold feet.

He did the same thing to the next girl, now he’s on gf #3. And it hasn’t been 9 months since his wife left him, divorce not final. My advice, save yourself the heartache. • IAM really needing some advice. I feel like IAM going nuts and I am starting to get very impatient and mad at my bf. Guess I should do a quick recap. Him and his exwife have been seperate for a little over a year. We have been dating a year. We pretty much started dating right away. And yes I know that a huge no no for both of us but a yr later and we are very much in love with eachother and happy.

After a while of being together we started to talk about marriage and how he wanted nothing more then to file his divorce and be done. He was so excited. I was to I wanted nothing more then that chapter of his life to be somewhat finished and for ours to start.

I know him and his ex will always have contact as they have 2 kids together and IAM really fine with that. A few montha back she drove drunk (kids not with her thank God) she hit another car and killed one lady and critically injured another.

I know IAM jumping around sorry. Needless to say she will most likely be going to jail in the next few years. Anyways back to topic. His UR seperation recently finished and now he is able to file. Thing is he seems to make excuses. He is really bad for procrastinating but when we spoke earlier in the relationship I didn’t think excuses would happen. Maybe I just feel they are excuses when they actually legit I don’t know.

But 3 weeks ago I told him to go to the court hpuse to get the papers he said ok on Monday. I woke early to go with uim and then go to our usual coffee spot. He woke and said he didn’t want to today(classic him) I told him I would go for him.

The lady at courthouse gave me a website to do all the paper work online and help. A week goes by and he hadn’t even glanced at it. So I log on one evening and try to help. As IAM asking questions about helping me he turns around and says he is going to shower. I got so mad and told him that I was here to help and not to do the entire thing. That it was his divorce and he needed to actually be the one doing and not me. He said” U said u would help tho” I dropped the papers and said that when he was prepared i will help.

I reminded him he needs his marriage cert to proceed. A week later he finally texted his x and asked. After a few days she said she probably wouldn’t get around to finding it (lol) so I mentioned he could order one. Finally last night I asked him to please sit down and do this.

He did but he seemed to be trying to play with words and tell me he couldn’t for this or that. Finally I sat down and showed him what to do. Then he said oh well I can’t finish it because I don’t know where she was born!!!!! So back to the back burner. Today he told me he texted her and asked but that she hadn’t got back to him. He also went to her house today to drop the kids off.

I asked why he didn’t just ask while he was there. He said oh well slipped my mind that not what I was there for so whatever it’s only been a day. And yes I do understand that it’s only one day but it just feels like there is always something as to why he can’t start it. It’s getting really disheartening and IAM feeling like maybe he is doing all this to prolong it. I don’t understand why as he has said over na diver there is no way he is going back to her. And like I said we have had plans of our own.

I don’t want to give him the old do it or IAM leaving. But IAM kinda at my wits end. Am I being to unreasonable? Pushing it? I really don’t know. I have tried to sit back and wait to see but it’s as if if he doesn’t have someone riding his butt or reminding him daily he just doesn’t do it. Not that he does when I remind him anyways. Sorry for all the spelling mistakes. • Theresa, If you haven’t purchased and read Christie’s book “Dating the Divorced Man”, please do so.

I wish I had bought it early in my relationship with a separated man, and saved myself a lot of heartache. I have walked away 8 months ago, and am still in so much pain and dealing with so much bitterness.

I did the same mistake of doing the work for his divorce for him. (I even paid the lawyer fee since that was one of the excuses!) Please understand that if you don’t back off with pushing him file for that divorce himself, he will have resentment towards you.

If he truly wants his divorce, he will do it himself. You need to decide what YOU want. If you want to be with a married man and hope the divorce won’t take years, than change your outlook on the situation. Otherwise, you will find yourself miserable, bitter, and depressed about wasting your time and precious life waiting for something that is out of your control.

Read my other comments on this blog please. I waited 5 years for his divorce (it is final Feb. 17th because SHE filed!), and we even got engaged the last year we were together. It was a disaster honey!

Long story, but bottom line is YOU and only YOU can decide what is best for you. • Thank you for responding Mary. It does seem almost like a no win.

Unless you have a endless supply of patience. You wait for him…. U have a chance of waiting along time and become bitter, you push him…. He becomes bitter. Sigh. I did try to talk again last night. All he needed was some info from ex to get a marriage cert. all he asked was to confirm a birth place and birthdate. She got mad cuz he needed the confirmation and told him he would have to wait as she had to cope with the idea he didn’t know this. (At least that’s the newest reason he has to wait again.

I don’t even know what to believe anymore)Sigh, I feel like I’ve been pulled into a seriously dysfunctional …. Thing lol. I will get that book though. I looked at the book stores here and they don’t have it so I guess I will have to biy through my ereader or something.

Thank you for the point in the right direction Mary. And of course to Christie for the book☺️. Hopefully it all goes well as I do truly love him, but your right, I need to think about what’s best for me.

• Theresa, You’re welcome. You can buy the book on Amazon. Good luck to you, and whatever you decide for yourself and your emotional health. I am continuing to deal with my bitterness, and heartache daily, but I know with time I will heal now that I walked away, and stayed away from his empty promises. • This is the first time on this site and I thought I would let you know about my experience. I started dating a 3 1/2 year separated man last February and he led me to believe he was divorced.

We fell head over heels in love and 8 weeks later he asked me to marry him. We are both in our late forties. I said yes and he said we should keep it to ourselves for a few weeks until we had a ring. Luckily I did this! We went ring shopping at his request and I tried on some that I liked.

They were slightly above what he wanted to pay and he said we could get one the next month when he had his bonus. I still had not met his 16 and 19 year old kids at this point. He had met mine. A month went by and he kept trying to avoid ring topics and closed off on me. He was still being just as loving. Eventually I got upset and confronted him asking when we would get the ring.

He said he wanted me to meet his kids first and that he should never have asked me until that had happened. I broke up with him but he made all sorts of promises to get me back…that he would get a ring and do a proper romantic proposal. For the next few weeks I kept begging him to let me meet his kids and he would say that he was trying to talk to them but they were resisting. 4 months later I came out and asked him whether he was actually divorced and he said NO.

I was so shocked and ended it with him. He told me he was sorry and that he hadn’t told me in the beginning because he thought I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship otherwise. When he realised I would not be coming back to him he went to see the wife and got the divorce started.

I still felt such a fool for saying yes to a proposal that was nothing more than fake. We kept breaking up every few weeks because I just couldn’t trust him. After a couple of other lies came out I decided to end it for good. This was after months of promising that there would be a proposal as soon as his divorce came through he backtracked and said he would do it some time this year and that he wanted things to evolve naturally. I said ‘how can they evolve naturally when you’ve already proposed before?’ He just couldn’t seem to get it.

I have spent months being devastated, feeling tricked, deceived and like he had turned me into some desperate needy woman demanding a proposal. As divorce day loomed he then threw into the mix that he could live with me but not my 13 year old daughter as he cant cope with teenage girls. This was the final straw and we’ve been split up a week and I have no intention of going back to him.

I would say to anyone in this situation to get out quick, as soon as you find out a lie then run for your life as more lies will usually follow. I’m not sure I’ll ever trust a man again • Should have read this two years ago. In totally traumatized by the separated man I was dating. That jerk initially lied about being divorced, then started proceedings to get child support sorted out (he had the kids) with my help, but he wasn’t in a hurry to actually divorce he just wanted the money from his ex.

Anyways turns out he was cheating on me, looking for a woman to super his ass. He was abusive, deceitful and of course, had not paid the money he borrowed from me. Never again. It’s just not worth it. Here I am, child free, youngish, good job and this “man” was just looking to drag me into his drama and fix his life (unless he could catch a wealthier woman to do it.). Never, ever again. • I wish that I read this back in August. Ive been dating a man going through a separation with no n kids, but a wife who cannot believe they are getting divorced and will not accept it.

He went as far as lying to me when he went to the movies & dinner with her, playing tennis with her, having dinner with her at their old house and I realized if he can lie to my face about this then he can lie about anything.

He should have made me choose whether or not i wanted to still date him if he has to do all these social things. His wife even went as far as sending his mom flowers from the both of them for valentines day… I had asked him if he was ready to date when he had started & he said yes because he has been separated for over a year.

truth of the matter is, I have to let go…He has not left his marriage emotionally yet. when i saw some of the messages he has sent her that were a bit much ..and i mean like everyday..it also made me realize he has been some what enabling her feelings that its not over. any advice? • Thanks and I’m sharing this blog. It’s really insightful. It’s sad but I wasted 6 months and can’t do it again.

I’m over it,..he’s 50 years old and I thought he’d know better. She still sends flowers to his family from both of them like they’re a couple. I hope you check out my blog as well too. Triple thanks and I love the level of maturity with support here too.

• Ok, so here’s my scenario. My ex-wife left me in April of 2013 when I was overseas for the military. I thought she was moving to be closer to be family but instead she was moving to be near a guy. We officially separated at that time. After one year I filed for divorce as required. About 6 months ago she moved in with her new boyfriend. We were scheduled for our final hearing in October which the court did not grant the divorce due to her not being there. After hiring an attorney, I tried to do the paperwork myself the first time, we have another final hearing next week.

Within the last 6-9 months I’ve started dating and it’s been 2 years away from my ex. I have recently started dating someone who I think things could get serious with, but have not told her that I am not officially divorced because at this point it’s more of a formality than anything else.

I still feel pretty horrible about it though. On one hand, I feel like I’ve only been dating this girl for about a month and it’s not really her business yet, and on the other, I feel like I’m misleading her and I’m not ok with that either.

My question for the world then is; do I need to explain this to her being that we’ve only been dating a month and it will be finalized next week? Or do I keep it to myself as I don’t want to know anything negative about her past? If I do tell her, how do I do it? I was thinking I’d set her down, get out all of the paperwork and fully explain every aspect but still I don’t feel like we’re at a place where she should have access to all of the details of my life yet.

Just wondering and thank you. • hi J first off, thanks for your service in the military. if you are serious, you need to tell her. i just left a guy who was dishonest about his divorce . I was not sure if i could trust him & what else he was hiding from me. I have been on the other side of this a few times. First off, maybe take a walk with her somewhere nice outdoors & ask her if she is interested in being exclusive or getting more serious. If she says yes, then let her know that you have been separated from your ex wife for 2 years, there is NO chance you guys are getting back & explain the rest.

If you are honest & she wants to be with you , chances are she will be supportive. I understand that lying & hoping she does not find out is easy, but it catches up.

I found out so much stuff about the previous guy I was dating & his “ex”. He was dishonest & now wasted 7 months of my life I hope this helps & wish you the best Jasmin PS oddly enough , the guy I dated wrote a book about military guys & it was later turned into a tv series • Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I told the girl I’m dating as suggested by Jasmin and Christie.

She didn’t seem to care at all. I felt like she was relieved because I had been acting kind of weird and it hadn’t been something more serious. Anyway, divorce has been finalized, a huge weight had been lifted from my back and I get to start out in this new relationship in complete honesty. Thanks again! • Hi, thank you for all the insightful comments and replies in this post. I am dating a separated man and would appreciate some advice. Our timeline below: Jan 2014- got to know each other in the workplace, hardly spoke, if at all Oct 2014- started working on a project together and hit it off, started talking more at work Dec 2014- his wife decided to return to the states with their 5 year old son, as she is unable to adapt to asia (he came to asia for work about 2 years ago).

She was supposed to return for 6 months and then return to asia again. About two weeks after she left, she supposedly told him that she hates asia and does not wish to return. Around this time, we admit we have feelings for each other.

He tells the wife about me- she doesn’t freak out as we did not do anything (no kissing, etc). Jan 2015- The wife flies back with the kid, and informs him that she is 2 months pregnant with his child.

She wants to keep the baby, they have a talk and decide on a trial separation until July when the second child is born, since she intends to return to the states. Emotionally, she says she still loves and wants to be with him. According to him, he no longer feels the same for her. He updates me about their status every step of the way, tells me he understands if I cannot deal with the status of the rs now, which is that he cannot promise a divorce- he wants to see how to sort out custody of the existing child (and the unborn one) come July when it is born.

Feb 2015- The wife and kid flies back to the states. We start dating- the wife is aware. I spend nights at his place, we have dinners, everything is wonderful.

He answers any qns I have about his rs with his wife, esp when I see things around his apartment that have to do with her. We chat a lot about his kid. At this point, the company which employs us both closes down. He is on an employment pass and thus has to find a new job fast before he has to return to the states.

For over a month, we were both extremely stressed. He had other job offers in further parts of Asia, the states (but not where his wife, kid and her maiden family are) and europe. I told him honestly that if he were to exit Asia it is over for us (as I can’t deal with him being newly separated plus being in a totally different timezone and so far away) and he said he understood.

March/April 2015- Fantastic news, he landed a position in Asia based to close to where I am, with travelling around the region and regular work trips to my country. So far we have each flown once to visit each other over the weekend.

I am all right with the current arrangement of just being in the same general region as it is possible for us to spend regular time together and be a part of each others’ weekend lives.

It is like a part-time long distance rs. Around this period, he also opened up a lot to me about his past (both romantic and non romantic). He shared with me issues in his rs with his wife (neither of them did anything really bad/wrong, it was just a series of small unwise decisions that in hindsight unravelled the rs, such as childcare, responsibility of running the household not fairly shared, not making time for each other).

He feels that the personality of his wife (very laid back and passive) means that it is hard for them to navigate a good working rs as there is a lack of teamwork, and he has to do a lot of the heavy lifting in the day to day life they share, which leaves him exhausted.

I do not feel he is lying or exaggerating, he does not speak about his wife in a negative way, and I do not think badly of her. I think it is simply that they made a series of bad decisions (ie, choosing privacy over having hired help even though they could not cope with the running of the household) and the circumstances were difficult (ie, no family support, being so far away from the US, new culture). NOW: things have been good the last few months, we agreed any time we have too high expectations of each other we will take a step back, since nothing has been promised until come July.

We both really like each other and I am 90 per cent sure I am not a rebound or a bridging rs. He treats me with care and consideration, especially when it comes to certain areas I am sensitive about due to past rs-s.

I am not jealous of his wife or worried about the kid(s), and have assured him that he can/shld maintain a cordial rs with his wife and always try to keep his kids in his life.

Just wanted to know if you sense any red flags/anything I should be aware of? Any general thoughts? • Oh my god..this is almost like my situation I just exited.

..run to the hills sweetie. The whole time my guy was communicating with his ex and going out with her to appease her & never moved fwd with the divorce. This guy’s ex sounds just like my guy’s ex. i also dated a guy with a kid with a somewhat unstable and dependant ex wife. the kids might be great and all but she sounds controlling and the more serious you guys get, im sure her true colors will come out.

All of this sounds like a big red flag.the fact that he has kids with her is also a perfect way in her passive mode to drag him back in. He should file for the divorce asap. My guy never filed for his divorce & I just learned yesterday he got back with his wife.

Th wife who would send his family flowers from the 2 of them , tell him she loves him ,etc. I feel that it is unfair to you , and him, to invest emotions with each other until July.

Cut your losses and move on & perhaps date others and then reconnect in July. In all honesty., I would have walked away from the second he told me he has another kid on the way..it just sounds like big recipe for disaster. Sorry I cant write more, I am off to a class. Ill try & look at this later again & do let us know what you decide to do. I hope you’re ok • Hi jas- thanks so much for your thoughts! I read thru the thread and am really sorry about what you had to go thru! I think sometimes people use their rs with their partners/ex partners families to guilt trip their partners… Such as the case of your guy’s ex sending flowers from e two of them to present them as a unit- even if they no longer are.

In my situation, I am pretty sure he isn’t appeasing her/playing us both. 1. He wanted me to meet his kid, and I met the boy once. The boy gave me many drawings over a few weeks. I also gave him some books. My guy recorded his son saying thanks to me and once his son called me to say thank you for one of the gifts.

All this during Jan, when the wife flew back to inform him about the kid and stayed for about a month. (They were sorting out some house moving logistics as she needed to pack her things as she did not want to return to asia again.) 2.

I saw on his computer some of their conversations where they still address each other with terms of endearments such as ‘dear’. I got a little upset and asked him about it a few days later. He had an answer immediately. He told me honestly that he is used to usijg such endearments with her, that they were tgt for close to 20 years, that she was the only woman he’d been with since his 20s, he likes her as a person and he is still learning how to navigate the changes in their rs in the last few months.

He was honest and very aplogetic and we talked about how I felt about the endearments they still use. (Once I established that it was out of habit, instead of him actually meaning them, I actually am cool with them- I don’t think it is easy to just do a 180 degree change in such small daily habits after you have been with someone for a long time.) the next day, we had another conversation about it- he initiated it and said he felt really bad about me having to go thru this while things are still being sorted, and he is not sure he wants to put me thru this.

This was a month ago and while I am not sure if the endearments are still going on, I think this is an issue (the usage of endearments) is something we have discussed and have no issue with for now. After all, they are still on friendly terms (despite some small arguments over the wife not pulling her weight to help out with household paperwork/logistics).

Also, I do not want them to have a nasty divorce if it comes to that. 3. We both have heard advice that it is best to keep our distance until July when things are sorted. That was also the initial plan. But I think we have both fallen hard for each other. And this time period is also sort of a trial for us to see how things go for the two of us (whether we are really a good fit, ESP in terms of day to day life, not just as a honeymoon couple.

I think we both value staying in love as a couple in the face of real life issues and challenges.) also, he has started speaking to his wife about having the kid fly over to visit him in asia (one of his family members could fly over with his kid to visit).

Essentially now until July is a time for us to see if we can come up with arrangements for things to work out long term. I see your point about the wife being passive and dependent. Honestly going by what I have heard about her, I think if they choose to get a divorce, the paperwork would be an absolute nightmare on her end, as she doesn’t handle such things well.

But for now what I want to concentrate on is whether there is a chance things can work out for this guy and I. I have thought about it and if come July he chooses to stay with his wife, I will be hurt but ok with it- because I don’t want him to feel guilty or like he is making the wrong choice by being with me.

So if there is even the slightest chance he feels like being with me is a bad choice, I’d rather he choose his wife. I never want to feel like I’m the person he shouldn’t be with (happened with a past rs). So I think we are both focused on how things are btw us now and how we can make things (mainly his rs with his kid(s)) work long term. • Funny how things have changed for me since originally starting on this thread. At first I was depressed and a bit sexually and romantically desperate after 25 years in an essentially sexless marriage which ended.

I wanted something casual to reaffirm my masculinity. Then I had a fling and felt good but attached. Then shortly after this woman threw me to the curb and I felt awful. Now four months later, and reading all the conflict in these posts, I am so glad I have not gone back out chasing. It is relaxing to be my own person without having to deal with all this feminine psychology (enough of that from my ex-wife). The lack of sex can be a drag but the freedom is definitely worth it. • I met my guy off the internet dating website…we went in strong and fell madly in love…we are long distant so it makes things ruff already…we see each other at least every 3 weeks…well in january (2 months into relationship) he came to my house for a week and during this week he tells me he is still married but has been separated for a year…I was soo devastated bc I felt like I have been lied to… At the beginning he told me he had been divorced fir 3 years by a lady and had 2 kids…well the truth is that he was married to a whole diff lady and had 2 kids by her too.

The lady he originally told me he was married to was someone he was with for 10 years but never married prior to his real marriage…he told me he was afraid to tell me in the beginning bc he knew I wouldn’t have given him a chance…which I wouldn’t had…He wanted me to stick it out bc he is going to divorce the wife and he loves me and had never felt this way about anyone…I too feel the same way…well its been 4 mths and still no papers filed…he says she wants the divorce too but now she wants marriage counseling…he doesnt but her father is a preacher who wants my guy to do the counseling before divorce…I told him he has til july for something to happen bc in his state ir only takes 90 days for a divorce….I dont know what to do…we have so much fun when we r together..

All we do is laugh and a great time…I have been to hus hpuse 4 times now and I know they are not together but I dont understand if he doesnt want the counseling why he just dont file on his own….he says bc he wants them to not fight and he wants to agree on everything with her…please tell me what yall think • You have scared me immensely by this…I just went through this exact same thing but there were no kids involved & it was with a guy I knew for 19 years.

It seems as though he has not left the marriage emotionally & might be sticking t the its cheaper to keep her motto, especially because there are kids involved. Run to the hills….life is too short to be lied to, If he lied to you about some stuff, there is no telling what else he will lie about. If you allow him to lie like that, it sends a signal that he can do this repeatedly to you. You do not need to be the other woman or waiting around until he decides what to do.

This waiting in filing is poppycock. If he wants a divorce; he will get one. This is the same crap my ex told me…guess what..he is back with his ex!

This guy sounds like he is not really available..keep your options open or just cut your losses. So sorry you have to go through this • Erica, If you have read over all the comments on this blog, then you already know what the intelligent decision is.

But ultimately, it is your choice. I walked away 9 months ago from my “separated” man, and can honestly say that I don’t regret my decision. I dealt with so much drama and stress while we were together for almost 5 years. He finally got the divorce a few months ago, and is with someone else now, but I am so much better without him. He would have never put boundaries with his “ex” or adult children.

Actions speak louder than words! When I read your post, I thought what a huge red flag it was that your guy wasn’t honest with you from the beginning. Without trust… Good luck with your decision.

• I have been seeing a guy who is currently married but is planning to file for divorce at the end of August. He has been married for almost five years but his reason for marriage was so that he could live in the states without becoming an official citizen. His wife was aware of this and signed a contract where she agreed to marry him for a certain amount of money and time. But the contract ends in August and he tells me that he is ready to move on. I know there’s not a lot of details so I can provide more if needed, but I was wondering if I could get some advice about dating a married man and maybe some red flags to look out for and how to approach this situation?

• I have been dating a guy for 8 months, he told me he had filed for divorce 2, 3 months before we ran into each other. His wife moved out of state right after the divorce was filed. In our state it requires 2 months. Ok, please understand I have never dated a separated or divorced man, have no idea how that works and feels until now. At the beginning he said that after 60 days if neither party responses then they have to file again.

He was so stressed out when his ex left to another state that he starts smoking. Then he said that he needs to wait a little longer to get most of the shared bills paid. Then one day, we were just talking casually, he said he doesn’t want to make another mistake with another person and that he doesn’t want to change the current situation, he meant living by himself and not divorced, he doesn’t want to rock the boat cause him and his kids are happy.

His kids are in colleges, he’s been married for 27 years. After hearing that, I told him we need to take a break until he’s divorced. He agreed. I was wondering if I did the right think taking a break, stopping the relationship now. I don’t want to be more hurt than I already am. I do love him, I’ve been beside myself but I want to stick with my decision, our relationship being so short, 8 months, I think he will move on and not care about me.

I’ve researched and learned more about dating separated men, it’s a very dangerous territory to enter I found, hearts get broken like mine. Now I feel used, cheated cause he’s not honest with me true and true, there are times I hate him for dragging me into this mess.

After 27 years, it may take him few years to heal for real, and only then he can move on. • Hi, I’m dating a separated man and am going crazy. They were married for 28 years, have 2 children although they’re not children anymore as they are 21 and 16. He feels like he did the “right” thing by staying in the marriage all those years as he heard his kids speak of how one of their parent’s lived “here” and one “there”.

He didn’t want that for them. Finally something happened that he says he couldn’t recover from and he asked for a separation and seeing how she willingly moved out my best guess is that she was unhappy too. That was back in January and he and I met in March. (by complete chance!) So if you do the math, we have been together for 6 months.

Admittedly, that’s not a long time but we’re old enough to know what we want and speak of our love and our dreams of being together someday.

The problem is this and I don’t know if I’m right or wrong here. I’d like to be working on some of those dreams we speak of, a least a stepping stone of sorts, a promise to me that we are for real.

I’m not saying that I want to jump right into the epicenter of his life,but rather just let his kids know that he’d like to start dating because he deserves to be happy. They don’t need to know about me specifically, but at least get them used to the idea that Dad is serious about this and get them used to knowing he’s going out on occasion on a date.

Then possibly introduce me into the picture. I’m fine with baby steps! Right now I feel like a part time girlfriend. We text constantly, we talk during the day and we see each other after he gets out of work and on weeknights as much as we can.

He has said he doesn’t want to be on a “timetable”. I don’t understand the timetable reference as I’m not asking for us to move in together or get married and I certainly didn’t put this out there as an ultimatum. Don’t get me wrong, I really am in love with him, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing to ask for advice. He’s not lied to me about anything, and is a complete and absolute gem of a man. We want the same things out of life and love, or I thought so until now and I’m afraid of losing him and the love we found.

My own personal situation, taking him out of the picture is that I’m divorced and free and clear to move forward with my life. I’m living in an very nice apartment and from any outsiders view I should have no issues as I have a good solid job and can take care of myself. I found a class that I’m liking and keep occupied to the best of my ability when he and I can’t be together. My problem is loneliness.

When all is said and done: I’m alone. I go home to an empty home and I know there is no one who is coming home to me. I eat alone, watch TV alone, am alone on weekends, you get the point. Regardless of my job and my class, and that I like to take walks and ride my bike – I’m doing all that alone. It’s miserable for me to be living like this, in love with the man of my dreams, literally, who speaks of wanting a future with me while we remain in this place where he doesn’t seem to want to take even the slightest step forward.

He says he knows what i am asking, he says we’ll keep talking and hash this out. Am I asking too much from him? Am I making my problem his? Is 6 months just too soon for any kind of “next step”? My own marriage didn’t last as long as his so I don’t consider myself an expert on this at all. I have a friend who went through a painful divorce he didn’t want and found a divorce support group where the group leader said that for every 5 years of marriage, it takes a year to get over it.

Just how true is that? What have he and I gotten ourselves into? Most of all, I want us to survive and I want love to prevail because we sure have a lot of it.

Thank you for any comments, advice, encouragement, etc that any of you may have. And please don’t hesitate to ask for clarification on anything. I have nothing to hide and am truly seeking sound advice. • I’m going to reply to my own status: I did some soul searching last night, lying in bed before I fell asleep and asked myself, “What the hell am I doing?” By focusing on the negatives of MY CHOICE to be with this man I fell in love with, and being selfish and wanting more when I know damn well he’s giving me and our relationship what he can – I’m ruining some real chances of happy times together, PLUS doing nothing but twisting up my insides and making people worry about me by whining and complaining “I’m all alone and can’t take it anymore” That is not who I am, not my personality and not what I’ve learned in my 51 years of life!!

The reality is that I don’t have to be alone, I don’t have to sit and wait for him and be a spare time girlfriend, in fact I don’t even like that term!! The time we have together is time that we make for each other!

I love him dearly, and I have to admit that through the crap I dealt him, and with every chance I gave him to run far and fast from me – he didn’t.

He kept coming back, he said he didn’t fall in love with me only to lose me. Those words speak volumes! There is link that was sent to me by a friend, . It’s filled with groups I can join to enjoy what I like doing with other people, meet people and make friends.

It’s my choice to either be alone and lonely and depressed or get up off my ass and enjoy life. My happiness is my decision and I take care of me, not him or anyone else. The better I am for me, the better I am overall in everything in life. I love him, he loves me. What will happen will happen. If he and I turn out to be just a season in each others lives then so be it. I’m going to enjoy it all. It’s my choice. I choose to be happy. I choose not to be pushy or ask of people what they can’t or aren’t ready to give me.

It’s not fair to anyone and is doing nothing but causing unnecessary heartache. • I read all of these comments and the conflict in all of them makes me more aware of what I am up against.

Three years ago I got thrown into a divorce I did not want. The ex was quick to file within two months of leaving me. He ran off with another woman and deserted me and our three kids. Moved in with her within four months of filing and got her pregnant within six months of divorce proceedings. Gave birth three weeks prior to the divorce being final. I went through a huge nightmare. Here I am three years later, totally divorced, have my own life, met my old college boyfriend again only and he is separated, has divorce papers since June, they both signed and notarized the papers but hasn’t filed.

It’s now September. His wife has moved in with someone else since January and has moved on – she is the one who left their marriage. They have kids together and only text about the kids. I trust him. I have seen the messages. He knows when I’m communicating with my ex about my kids too. I had a hard time calling him a boyfriend when he’s still legally with his wife since we got seeing each other in July.

He SAID he is my boyfriend recently. He said he wants a relationship with me. He wants to hug me so I feel safe. He gets very protective and concerned about my well being.

I get concerned about him as well. We have known each other for twenty years. I think he kept tabs on me through our friends but it wasn’t until two years ago we connected on Facebook. It wasn’t until May we got our kids together and just became friends.

I didn’t look for him. He searched me out as I was dating someone else long distance. It ended in June and my old college boyfriend, the separated one and I hung out over July 4th and spent the whole summer together.

His kids are not aware of us being together. We kept it that way. I remember what my kids went through three years ago. It was hard on them.

I don’t want that for his kids. For now I’m a friend to his kids. That’s how it should be anyway. My kids are older and know he’s my boyfriend now. Complicated, not really. We exchanged I love yous very early on in July/August. And then we had a bit of a misunderstanding and I just can’t say I love you again for fear of it blowing up in my face. I guess deep down I have this fear of losing him when he’s not legally mine to begin with. Silly I know. I have strong feelings for him.

I love deeply when I do. I commit strongly. Recently I made a huge mistake voicing my concerns about him not filing the papers or getting his wife’s things out of his house. It was more his mother complaining to me about the things being in the house that spurred me to confront him. I felt absolutely horrible for saying anything. I know with him, he does things on his own time. When he says he is going to do xyz he does it. Now I’ve stopped saying what I’m thinking or feeling.

Mostly because I don’t want to come across as pushy and clingy or needy, etc. He has started doing things I.e. Getting her stuff out of the house for example. Taking her off bills. Calling a lawyer etc.

I feel like I might not feel so afraid if he does finally file papers and get proceedings going and get it done. I just don’t want to ask about any of it unless he brings it up in conversation. For fear of another misunderstanding!!! I guess I just hang in there. I never thought I would date a separated man. Even though I have known him for so long. I still fear getting hurt even though I live on my own.

I have raised my kids on my own for three years without a partner. And I can’t see myself getting married again unless that’s what my boyfriend wants after he has divorced and healed. Sorry but this blog seems like the best one for support that I have come across online so far. It’s getting to me.

Thank you. • Hi , I could really use some help! I am 31( single-no kids) and have met the most amazing man I could ever have imagined (online). We had an immediate connection and were in contact or seeing each other every day since (almost 2 months long now).

There is only one issue: he has FOUR children and is still living with his ex-wife (she’s on the couch) with whom he was been separated from for 9 months after she cheated on him with his best friend. The divorce is still in the paper-work process and she is definitely moving out as soon as the dissolution has been resolved.

I understand that they are doing what is best for the kids by continuing to live together until the custody battle has been resolved, but I feel like we are having to hide everything and not having a real relationship. He assures me that I’m not a rebound and that we have a connection that he’s never felt before, not even with his ex., that said, I already see that this is going to be a rollercoaster ride that I’m not prepared to deal with mentally.

I know he THINKS I’m not a rebound, but I can’t help but feel like I know better… I feel like he needs time to heal and get over this before trying to pull someone into this mess.

That said, I do not want to end things with this amazing guy for fear that I will never meet someone as perfect for me and that he really will be done with all this in a few months. I’m losing my patience, and don’t want to resent him for everything I’m consequently going through, but I also don’t want to hurt him by pouring more salt on his wound. What do you suggest? Stand by him and have faith or quit while I’m behind? Thank you so much for your support.

• I have dated a man for almost 2 years already. He has been separated for 3-4 years now and have file for the Divorce Twice, the first time 2 years before we met and last year he file for Divorce once again. We have lived together for these two years, we have been very happy together, and have supported him all the way. He has 3 kids who lives with their mother (My ex “stil wife”) and I have a 3 year old boy. My boyfriend help their kids financially and supports them and his still wife, due to the fact she dont want to work and always giving excuses so he can keep on giving her what she has been used to received from him.

She wants to always be around his family with excuses for her trying to get all she can “Economically” and so for my boyfriend’s mother can keep taking care of her grandkids because, becuase apparentely she cannot even take good care of her own kids. She even moved to another town with the idea of “the far I move the more monthly income i will receive for me and my kids from their father/grandmother etc)… Now she decided to move back again not only to the same town but to my Boyfriend mother’s house, because she has no other place to stay, which of course I am happy for one part, because the kids will be taking good care of and we will know for fact that they are doing good and receiving everything they need and most importantly the love from all of us.

Now I need advices because one thing is to be supported at all time but to deal with the fact i have to “Understand/and get use to the idea” of her stying by my boyfriends house, and the fact that they are not even Divorce gives me all kind of insecurities. My family doesn’t know until this day he is a man that is still married, and i have tried so hard so they dont find out because I grew in a very religious family and they wont accept it or will think different about my boyfriend and i dont want nobody to look at him different.

Also, i wanted to have another kid, but now with him having 3 and with mine 4, 5 would be just too much not for me to have to but for us to have 5 kids together. This is harder than i thought.

I dont want to just quit and throw the towel on our relationship, but I dont want to grow false hopes that he will be one day divorced. What bothers me too is that he doesnt seem to worry about getting the divorce , he has taken his time and still moving slow, so is this a Red Flag???

Am i missing something in this picture? am I living in a fairytale? I need advice Please. • (cont’d from above) I forgot to mention that I want to get married and have kids. Soon. He’s had a vasectomy. I’m not sure if he will want more kids…four is a lot. I don’t want to sacrifice my precious time (only getting older!) waiting for him to get over this and decide if he wants to get married or have kids again! – Stephanie • Hi guys, I’m kinda clueless where to start…at the age 15 I met the love of my life and that’s the absolute man of my dreams, that’s who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with…my whole future was planned out.

We brought 3 wonderful boys in this world. Unfortunately my whole world was turned upside down when I recieved a call June 14, 2002 that he was robbed and shot ~ he never made it. That was the most devastating time of my life, I was only 22 years old.

I had been out of the dating world for a long time until about 5 years ago. Never met anyone that made me feel like loving again. Then one day I was in the grocery store and this guy came up to me introduces his self and immediately I was drawn to him.

We exchanged numbers and a couple weeks later he invited me to dinner. And so I asked the magic question why are you single AND THEN he simply says I’m actually going through a divorce and my mind suddenly went blank…that was last thing I was expecting to hear.

So after that night never expected that to go anywhere …as married men is not exactly my type but we kept talking and now I’m falling for this guy.

I stopped talking him for a month and tried so hard to ignore his messages etc. then he insisted that we meet and talk and so I agreed. Now he tells me they are separated with no chance of reconciliation but she’s going through medical problems right now and he want to support her. Then he asks me if I cld just be patient until this process is over. I want to believe that what he’s saying is the truth but I have trust issues and my mind won’t let me accept that as a justifiable reason to continue in a relationship with him but yet my heart won’t let me walk away.

It so hard to find someone that makes me feel the way he makes me feel. I’m now 37 years old I’ve been alone all the remainder of my life, raised my 3 boys all by myself and so I’m afraid to let go.

I’ve waited so long to find someone that cld make me feel that way again , to want to love and be loved. NOW if what he’s saying is the truth and it was a mutual agreement to end their marriage then I’ll be okay with that but if he is lying and they are still happily married then I will never be able to forgive him for the lies or myself for allowing myself to be a fool for love.

This so against everything I believe and stand for. I know it’s easier to judge when you’re on the outside looking in. However, I would appreciate your honesty… • Wow I’m glad I found this site! My high school sweetheart found me after 30+ years and we’ve been dating again (not living together though) for 3 years now. We both have 2 adult kids each. I am LONG divorced and share the joy of babysitting a grandkid with my ex and his wife. My boyfriend has been separated for 4 years ….

And is still going through a divorce. I do not understand why it’s taking this ridiculous amount of time. I don’t even want to get married! She is living with her boyfriend. Mine just bought a house 3 miles away from my apartment to be closer to me.

I don’t doubt his commitment to me. We’ve talked about me moving in with him. But …. He’s still married!!!! I don’t get it. Get a divorce already! Cut the ties! Put it behind you!!!!! He gets really mad when I ask about it, which pisses me off AND makes me wonder what the heck is going on.

Anyhow, I’m not moving in til he’s divorced. And has dealt with being divorced! It takes time! Even if you are with another person, it takes time to emotionally let go of your marriage when it is finally, legally, over.

Which I wish would hurry the heck up and happen. Sheesh!!!! • I’ve been separated from my wife now for a year and it’s now time for us to go along with the divorce process. I started dating a girl I knew from high school in February of last year and we clicked pretty fast. I didn’t tell her all the details of my marriage or all of the reasons I was in the process of being divorced. This ending up hurting me because she eventually found out that infidelity was involved and it made her think a certain way about me.

We went through some battles between February and the week before Christmas, last year, which was the last time I talked to her. There were boundaries of mine she crossed and I started to feel as if she didn’t respect my boundaries the same was I was trying my all to respect hers. There were police being called and everything, with no physical abuse. The wild thing is that I was living with her and it was a long distance from where my normal life/job was located…about 50 miles away.

I was making that hike everyday, but when she got upset she would kick me out and I knew no one in that area, so I would have to pack ALL OF MY STUFF and head back to my hometown and try to find someplace to live/stay.

I really cared for this girl and still do. I truly wish things could be fixed. Now back to my point, my wife has finally brought my the divorce papers and I don’t know if I want a divorce still. Hell…I truly don’t know what I want. I’m a people pleaser and it’s not good at times.

I feel hurt and bad about the way me and my ex-girlfriend broke up. I really do love her and care tremendously about her, but I’m kind of scared that she may put me in a dangerous situation. I on the other hand can’t figure if it was because of me that all of this went down. I had the biggest crush on my ex girlfriend since high school, but now I’m feeling like the grass wasn’t greener on the other side of the fence and should’ve never went this far with my wife.

I’ve known my wife for 13 years and have been married for 3. I’m only 30, so that’s nearly half of my life knowing her. I don’t know what to do. I want to communicate with my ex girlfriend and tell her that I’m sorry and put our relationship on better terms, but I’m afraid that if I do I’m gonna go further and fight for her to come back.

I truly just don’t know which way is right and which way I truly want to go. I know my ex girlfriend has done some things to me but I keep giving her excuses based on pain and hurt that I may have brought into the relationship. My mom can’t stand her and most of my family is hoping for me to reconcile with my wife.

I don’t know what to do and it hurts a ton, everyday. It takes away from me being productive at work, in life, etc. I just want this all to be over!!!

Should I give my ex girlfriend another try, just not move in and keep it at a distance for a while? Should I reconcile with my wife? I love them both a ton and I don’t know what to do. I feel that if I wait too long, I’ll lose both of them, but I know it’s not fair to have one on the back burner for the other.

So what do I do??? I really don’t want to live as far away from my job as my ex girlfriend lives and I don’t want her to have as much control over me as she does when I’m there, but I also don’t know if I’m willing to truly give up on someone I’ve known half of my life and has built such a huge bond with.

I just know that I need closure and I wish to give them respectful closure either way. I just don’t know who I should sway towards and if I should sway either way at all. • I have recently reconnected with a guy I met. When we first met approximately 18 months ago I knew he was separated (had been separated approximately 3 months but he says the marriage had been emotionally over for almost a year) and they had not filed for divorce even though they were living completely separated.

Fast forward to two months ago, and we reconnect. I was under the impression that in the time we had not been in touch that they had gone through with the divorce (socially she changed her name back to her maiden name, he refers to her as his ex-wife, they live completely separate lives, their finances are completely separate and there is zero evidence of a woman living in his house).

I went online today to the county records where he lives (yes, I was snooping) and found out that she just this week filed for divorce. The filing verifies that they did separate when he told me they did–it’s the fact that he let me believe they were legally divorced that is causing me issues.

I’m honestly not sure what to do at this point. Is this something I should confront him on or should I just walk away and never look back? • So what about dating a separated woman that says she will divorce when she finds the right guy? This happened to me and I guess I was not the right guy.

Is there still a stigma of being divorced? I have a gut feeling she is betting on his life insurance since he is 63 years old and not in good health! •


best dating a married separated man who wont divorce

best dating a married separated man who wont divorce - 8 Reasons Why Dating A Married Man ...Is A Bad Deal For A Woman


best dating a married separated man who wont divorce

The unfortunate reality is that you usually can't avoid a divorce if your spouse is determined to get one. All states recognize some sort of no-fault process that allows her to move ahead, with or without your consent. Your spouse only has to cite irreconcilable differences, or your state's equivalent no-fault grounds, in her complaint, and the divorce will proceed. If you find yourself in this situation, it may be more productive to focus on fixing your marriage than trying to stop her.

Get to the Root of the Problem If your spouse hasn't filed for divorce yet, you may still have an opportunity to change her mind. Ask her – preferably, at a calm time when you're both feeling introspective – what she thinks went wrong with your marriage. You may have your own thoughts on the subject, but this is not your time to vent. You'll have your turn later if you can reopen channels of communication. Let her talk, and listen – but more than that, act on what she says.

You might learn that she really just wants someone to pay attention to her. If this is her complaint, start putting the TV remote down when she is talking to you. Contesting Grounds When and if your spouse files for divorce, you can use the court system to try to save your marriage.

This is easiest if your spouse files on no-fault grounds. When you file your answer to her divorce papers, you can deny that you have irreconcilable differences. In some states, the court will respond by putting your divorce on hold – although not indefinitely – or the judge will order marriage counseling. Either way, you'll have a little more time to try to work things out.

Editor's Picks If your spouse has filed on fault grounds, you may have your work cut out for you. This means you've done something that has hurt her deeply – or at least she thinks you have. She might believe you've committed adultery, or that you've treated her cruelly. You can still deny her grounds in your answer. This forces her to prove your wrongdoing to the court. She probably won't be happy about this, because it will complicate and drag out your divorce proceedings.

It will give you some time to attend counseling on your own, however, demonstrating a real desire to fix whatever went wrong in your marriage. Doing Nothing No matter how tempting it might be to bury your head in the sand and play ostrich, don't. From a legal standpoint, this is the worst thing you can do. If you don't respond to your spouse's divorce petition or complaint in written form and file it with the court, the legal action will proceed without your input.

Not only will this take a lot less time, but it may result in the court awarding her everything she asked for – custody, alimony, or the lion's share of your property. Divorce Counseling If all else fails and your divorce is a fait accompli, now's the time to think of yourself. Enough people have found themselves in this predicament that a concept called divorce counseling has sprung up.

It's the antithesis of marriage counseling. You're not trying to save your marriage; you're trying to deal with new challenges in your life, such as co-parenting at a time when even looking at your ex probably causes you pain. If you're not the type to seek counseling or if you feel that you can handle this just fine on your own, take proactive steps to reclaim the old you. Sit down and make a list of all the things you couldn't do when you and your spouse were together, but that you always enjoyed before.

This might mean climbing Mt. Everest, golfing on Mother's Day, or it could be as simple as leaving your dirty dishes in the sink overnight with no one to nag you. These things are OK now, so do them – but don't do them angrily. The idea is to take pleasure and comfort in them.


best dating a married separated man who wont divorce

Unfortunately (or fortunately…depending on how you look at it), there is no simple mathematical equation, or test, or quiz that can predict whether or not your relationship will be a lasting success. Our life is an experience—not a foregone conclusion (and that’s a good thing!). But the more aware you are of what, potentially, you’re getting into when you enter a relationship, the better you can mitigate your chances of heartbreak and relationship disaster.

And with that awareness you make yourself more available for long-term love with the right guy. Raising your awareness means being clear on the facts of your relationship.

In other words, what exactly is a separated man or divorced man? What are they going through, and what should you be concerned about if you’re in a relationship with a man who might be in a given stage of divorce or separation?

Here are some of the basics to help you get clearer on his situation… And ultimately help you get clearer insight on whether or not this is a relationship where you want to go into deeper levels of commitment. The questions that follow each section are questions to consider when you’re thinking about whether to continuing seeing him—especially if you have the intention of dating with the purpose of finding a life-partner.

These questions might not be as important to you if you’re just dating recreationally and short term. But if you’re trying to date with the intention of finding a life-partner, and are looking for a long-term relationship, the questions below will help you see his situation more clearly, manage your expectations, and decide whether you want to stay in the relationship or leave. The Separated Man A separated man is one who is still legally married.

He might be in the process of divorce, or the divorce papers might not have been filed at all. , which is an online resource for legal information, explains the different types of separation this way: Trial separation. When a couple lives apart for a test period, to decide whether or not to separate permanently, it’s called a trial separation. Even if the spouses don’t get back together, the assets they accumulate and debts they incur during the trial period are usually considered marital property.

This type of separation is usually not legally recognized, but is instead a specific period in a couple’s relationship. Living apart. Spouses who no longer reside in the same dwelling are said to be living apart. In some states, living apart without intending to reunite changes the spouses’ property rights.

For example, some states consider property accumulated and debts incurred while living apart to be the separate property or debt of the person who accumulated or incurred it. In other states, property is joint, unless and until a divorce complaint is filed in court.

Also in some states, couples must live apart for a certain period of time before they are permitted to file for a no-fault divorce. Permanent separation. When a couple decides to permanently split up, it’s often called a permanent separation.

It may follow a trial separation, or may begin immediately when the couple starts living apart. In most states, all assets received and most debts incurred after permanent separation are the separate property or responsibility of the spouse incurring them.

However, debts that happen after separation and before divorce are usually joint debts if they are incurred for certain necessities, such as to provide for the children or to maintain the marital home. Again, a couple’s decision to permanently separate may not be considered a legal one unless one party files for legal separation instead of divorce. Legal separation.

A legal separation results when the parties separate and a court rules on the division of property, alimony, child support, custody, and visitation — but does not grant a divorce. This isn’t very common, but there are situations where spouses don’t want to divorce for religious, financial, or personal reasons, but do want the certainty of a court order that says they’re separated and addresses all the same issues that would be decided in a divorce.

The money awarded for support of the spouse and children under these circumstances is often called “separate maintenance” (as opposed to “alimony” or “child support”). If you want to go deeper into understanding the separation and divorce process, is a great resource that guides you through all stages of separation and divorce. If you’re in a relationship with a separated man, and are thinking about whether you should continue to see each other, it’s better to get clear on what’s happening in his life right now and how that might affect your relationship.

This will help you decide whether or not you’ll be truly happy being with him at the present time. Also, first realizing what you want in a happy, fulfilling relationship, and then figuring out what requirements you have that comprise a happy, fulfilling relationship, will make it easier for you to determine whether or not this relationship meets your personal needs.

In general, separation in the case where the still married couple is living apart (and not yet legally separated), is a very volatile time.

They might either be considering divorce, or maybe they haven’t even decided yet on whether to pursue divorce. So if you are getting into a relationship with a separated man, with the intention of considering him as a long-term partner or a life-partner, it’s like trying to build a house on really shaky ground.

While he might want and fully intend to get divorced, his separated status might limit his availability to have normal relationship interactions with you… This could be in the form of situations that include having you meet his friends and family or having you spend time with him on a regular, predictable basis.

And the question isn’t when he’s going to get a divorce, but whether you’ll be happy in a relationship with him as you’re experiencing it right now.

Important questions to consider when dating a separated man: • How long has he been separated? • Why did they decide to separate? • Do he and his wife still live together?

• Are he and his wife working towards reconciliation? • How do they split parenting duties if they have children? • Do you they have plans to divorce? • Have they each agreed to see other people? There are couples who make things work after meeting, while one is in the middle of a separation. In many cases, however, even if a man is ready to be separated, this can be a period of huge change and turmoil for him.

He may not yet know what he wants next, or how fully prepared he is to commit to someone new. When you find out the answers to those questions, be honest with yourself about the kind of relationship that you really want to have, and whether his current situation is aligned with that vision. The Divorcing Man Once papers have been filed, a couple moves from separated to divorcing. In this case, the decision has been made to officially end the marriage and stop working towards reconciliation.

Understanding the circumstances surrounding his divorce can be helpful in determining whether or not this is a relationship you want to pursue. The thing is to try and be as honest as possible about his intentions, and pay attention to your experience with him to help you decide whether you want to keep seeing him. As with men who are separated (or any man who is out there on the “dating market”), men who are in the middle of a divorce might not always be looking to go into another relationship right away.

He might just want to date for a fun for a while—or he might be unsure of what he wants. And there may be some cases where a relationship was over years before the divorce paperwork was actually filed, in which case the man you are dating could have long since moved on and may be more than ready to fall in love again now. Treading carefully until you fully understand the situation is always the best way to protect your own heart.

Important questions to consider when dating a divorcing man: Since he’s divorcing, he’s also separated. Here are some additional questions to consider next to the questions to think about when dating a separated man. • Why did he and his wife decide to proceed with a divorce? • Who initiated the divorce proceedings? • How does he feel about the divorce proceedings and how are they handling it (mediation, family court, etc)?

• How does his wife feel about what’s going on? • How would he characterize the divorce proceedings (bitter, not bitter, very difficult, relatively painless, etc)? • Is there a possibility that he and his wife might try to reconcile their marriage at some point? • If they have kids, how do they divide parenting duties?

You may also want to pay attention to how his friends and family react to you, if he’s introduced you to them; their reactions may give you an indication of how ready they believe him to be.

Try to remember that the actual act of going through a divorce can be quite trying, no matter how prepared a man may be for this part of his life to be over. If kids are involved, there can be a lot of emotions from them, and from all parties, about the dissolution of the marriage and the family unit as they know it.

Because he is dealing with the divorce proceedings and any emotional upset from his ex, kids or friends and family, he might not be as available—both physically and emotionally—as you’d like him to be for normal dating activities such as date nights, weekends away, or meeting your friends and family. Again, thank about what you really want in a fulfilling relationship, and whether dating him while he’s going through a divorce will offer you that desired experience.

The Divorced Man When a divorce is final, a judge has ordered the dissolution of the marriage. Child custody and division of property, as well as child support, alimony, who gets the dog and the Christmas china, etcetera, are all part of that settlement. The list can go on. They say that divorce is like the end of a civilization. And depending on how long they’ve been married and whether they have kids, it could be a large or small civilization.

Think about how much stuff you as a single person accumulate in eight years, which is the average length of a marriage that ends in divorce in the United States. From the money in your bank account (or the debt you’ve accumulated), to the stuff in your living space, and the relationships you’ve built with friends and family, eight years can be a lot of stuff and a lot of history.

In a marriage, all of that “baggage” is community property. And in a divorce, all of that “baggage” and their whole civilization is affected in some way, by the dissolution of the marriage. But now that the divorce is said and done, how does his past affect your current relationship with him?

Important questions to consider when dating a divorced man: • How long has it been since their divorce? • What were the reasons for his divorce? • How often do he and his ex communicate with each other now?

• How do he and his ex split parenting duties? (Assuming kids are involved) • How does he view marriage now? • Does he see himself getting married again in the future? • Are there things he would do differently in his relationship if he got married again? How to Go about Finding the Answers to These Questions The best way is simply ask him. Your first date with him might not be the best time to ask him those questions. But who knows—you might have built up a kind of rapport with each other, perhaps through communicating online (if you met online), where you do feel comfortable asking those questions very early in the relationship.

The thing is, the sooner you know the answers to those questions, the sooner you’ll be able to discern whether he’s a good match for you, and whether you want to continue seeing each other. And it’s not a bad thing to show him that you’re curious about him and his past. He might even appreciate that you’re interested. It’s normal to want to know where our potential partner is coming from, and what he’s going through right now.

How else are we supposed to get to know someone, other than to experience them and ask relevant questions? If you want step-by-step guidance on how to overcome your relationship challenges, stay true to who you are (and what you want!), and create a deeply fulfilling long-term relationship, download my free GUIDE “ The Smart Girl’s Guide to Dating a Divorced (or Divorcing) Man.” Simply enter your email address BELOW to access it now: I’m dating a married guy who is physically separated from his wife.

He has had his own place for 10 months (which is when he moved out of there place). We have been dating for 6 months. He spends a lot of time with me, but he nor she have filed for divorce yet. I think she thinks he’ll come home (even though he has told me he’s made it clear that he’s dating and wants a divorce). He’s saying that he doesn’t want to file for divorce until he knows she can handle it because she continuously tells him how she can’t handle it.

I’m just wondering if I should throw in the towel, give it a few more months, or just start dating someone else while dating him (so he can see I could move on. He actually treats me better than my last boyfriend, dinner, house stuff, introduces me to family & friends, based on how he treats me everything is perfect, then I remember (he hasn’t emotionally disconnected from this co dependent relationship).

A part of me feels like if I’m impatient and hit the road, I could miss out on someone (who in time will be ready to part ways with their wife). I didn’t know he was married btw. I googled him to find out (lol). • Hi Alex, I feel your concern. Dating a separated man is a very risky endeavor because they’re undergoing a lot of transition and are not really fully available to be present to a new relationship. I also think it is HUGE red flag that he didn’t disclose his marital status when you were first dating.

It’s kind of like lying by omission. And if he is waiting until his wife can “handle it” before proceeding with a divorce, that sounds like it might be a very indefinite time in the future. The decision of whether or not to let him go is a very personal decision.

I have an article where I go deeper into explaining and ; you might find those articles helpful. You have think through whether you want to stay (which may mean not getting your needs met for a while while he’s directing his energy toward getting over his previous relationship) or you can move on. If you do move on, you do risk losing contact with him, but leaving a relationship that is not meeting your needs frees you to be available for a relationship that will meet your needs and that might be a better fit for your long-term happiness.

But you could also wait and take that chance that things will improve. It depends on what really matters to you and whether or not you’re willing to wait. I hope this helps provide some guidance! all the best, Melissa • Sin My husband left me ,and a month later found his first love and has been seeing her for 3 months, we have been together for 14 years married 6years and 3 sons togsther, and yet he says he has always loved her, she was no where in the picture for 13 years.

Now all of a sudden he loves her,and his relationship he has with her is so secretive and protective,and he treats me like trash,as I never existed, how does someone just stop loving,caring about someone and jump into another relationship ,he has changed for the worst his bwhavior,his attitude towards me, the mids he has done a 360 for the worse his acts our of cowardice and immaturity.

Well she has no kids,has worked at KFC for 13 years,lives with her parents. I work,acts acts license Phlebotomist at UCI Irvine, and im a Medical Assitant as well, I live in the 3 bedroom house we lived and now I pay the bills, and he lives with his dad sleeping on the couch.

He’s cheated 2xs,and is verbal and in the past physical abusive. Now his verbal as became more aggressive and just last week he said ,he wishes i was dead, and that she means more to him. ,than i ever will.

• HI Sin, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can see why you would be really bewildered at his behavior. I get the sense that you are in crisis right now. If you are being abused, it is very important that you get support and advice from a trained crisis counselor for the safety of you and your kids. I encourage you to call a hotline like to get support. You don’t deserve to be threatened or treated that way. I hope this helps!

All the best, Melissa • Noxy I am a lady of 29 years married in 2011but now we are separated with my husband as from 2013 march.I tried to divorce him but he ran away and deny to sign divorce papers from sherrif. I dated a guy in 2014 he has a wife although marriage and lobola were not finalised.

He show an interest on me although we are in distance and I love him too. My problem is I want him to show clearly whether he is gonna take me as his second wife or he just keeping me to be his wiper in times of bitterness of their relationship.We ended up seeing each other last year september since we are in different provinces we keep on calling each other sending photos.Now I feel I need him I mic him so much but its hard for me to cheat on him coz I really love him I even dream about him at night.

• Hi Noxy, I feel your concern. The best thing right now is to have an honest conversation with him about his readiness for a new relationship. Ask him where he is at and whether he plans to get married again. If he does, then maybe you have an opportunity to have a more serious relationship and move toward deeper levels of commitment.

But if he is not looking to get married again and just wants someone to be with in times of bitterness in his current relationship and that is not what you want, then perhaps this relationship is not the best fit for you for your long-term happiness.

All the best, Melissa • jessica Hi im wondering if you can help me out. I have been in a intimate relationship with my boyfried for almost 2 years now. He has been permanently deparated from his wife for over 10 years and they live in separate houses. There is a big age difference between us and my family doesint like that and his ex doesint like that and they cause all sorts of trubble and he is unable to get divorced because he has a few houses he collects rent from and will loose more then half to her.

Can i do anything about this situation? • Hi Jessica, I feel your frustration. It sounds like you have several issues going on here. Your family’s disapproval, his ex’s disapproval and the fact that they are separated but not divorced. You, personally, can’t do anything about his marital status and financial status; those are things that he alone is responsible for. I don’t know what sort of trouble your family and his ex are causing in your relationship but if they are disrespecting you, it is important to set boundaries and communicate to them that you hear how they feel but that you’re not going be treated with disrespect.

Also, if they keep giving you a hard time, you can tell them that you don’t want to talk about it. My husband and I are far apart in age, too. But my folks got over it when they saw that he treated me well and I was happy. I don’t know a whole lot about your situation, but perhaps if they got to know him, they will ease up. I hope this helps! All the best, Melissa • jc im dating a married man who is seperated (i know they arent in good terms and the wife just wants him around for money and child support) the woman has a new partner in australia but keeps it a secret from him.

and as for me i’m being kept a secret from her as well. we’ve agreed that we would start a life together meaning buying property, etc. but as time goes by, most of his money is still going to his wife and daughters expenses although he has been livinf with me for the past two amd a half years.

i tried to understand that at first it would be hard but now i realize, that i’m the only one who shells out money. even paying for rent and our car loans.sometimes when their rent is due, and he lacks money, he borrows money from me and pays their house and other bills.

when i tell him that im tired of living like this, and i hope he finds ways to generate more income, he just says sorry, promises to find a newer job that pays more then shrugs it off and continues like nothing happened. i have 3 kids from my previous relationship by the way so i know that i have to shell out more. but im really so confused right now. its like he doesn’t have the balls to tell his wife that he wants to start a life of his own and he cant give everything to her anymore.

im so confused. should i stay with him or am i better of alone. • Hi JC, Thanks for reaching out. I feel your frustration. It really comes down to your needs and requirements.

Needs are things that you need to happen in a relationship in order for the relationship to work for you. It sounds like you might have a need for a partner who is really proactive about supporting the life you are trying to build together. There are a lot of factors that go into deciding whether you should stay in a relationship or leave.

But having alignment in your needs, requirements and vision are the really important factors in determining a relationship’s long-term success. You might find these couple of articles helpful: and I also offer affordable . All the best, Melissa • bongy I am dating this guy and it’s been 6 months now, he is married but before I dated him he was dating this other girl for 3years and he was still staying with his wife at that time.

after their separation with this girl he also separated with the wife but not divorced and there comes me in his life without knowing that he is married, well after some time I found out and he told me that he is no longer staying with the wife and he is considering the divorce so it has been a while and he is not doing anything when I ask him what he is waiting for he says divorcing will cost him loosing his kids and property that they will share so he must trust me enough to sacrifice that much and that I won’t leave him after that although I keep on ensuring him that I love him and will not leave him.

he loves me too but now I suspect that the wife has moved back in he is acting very strange like making excuses for leaving early, not sleeping over and not coming to see me when he promised to. last time he came to me wearing his wedding ring on his finger and when I asked he told me that he forgot it he was looking for some thing until he found that ring so he was just checking if it fits well because last time it was a bit bigger..I tried to understand although i cudnt.

so my problem now is how do I find out if the wife moved back in and which questions can I ask him to find out why ddnt he started with the divorce and how , and if I have to leave him how to tell him without him suspecting that I leave him because I found some1 just to know that I am awareness of what is happening and it is the reason why I want out.

I really need help I can’t waste anymore time. • Hi Bongy I’m sorry I missed this comment. I feel your frustration. I encourage people to be as open and direct with their significant other as possible because that is the best way that they will get their needs known and met. So, to be honest, I wouldn’t beat around the bush to try and find out whether he moved back in with his wife because that would just waste even more time; I would really ask him directly.

I would start by letting him know how you feel about your relationship and why those questions are important to you. And if you need to talk to him about possibly leaving the relationship, talk to him about it in the context of your needs. You can say that this relationship is missing some important requirements or some of your needs are not getting met, etc. I think it is a that he did not tell you that he was still married and that he is still wearing his wedding ring.

This might be an indication that . I hope this helps lend some guidance! All the best, Melissa • Sophia Anderson I am in a relationship with a separated man who has a child. His been separated for 2 years now. I met him after 16 months of their separation. At our first meeting he didn’t mention anything that he was married or even had a child until our third meeting. In this time I was in a relationship with someone else for 3 years but I broke it off when I met the guy I am with now.

For the first Time I felt happy like I wasn’t trying to make another guy I’m in a relationship with happy. When I met the married man at first it trickered something in me. Like I finally felt that I can breath for the first time. But when he told me about his past, I accepted it so easily, I met his son and I adored him very much. We started off as friends then best friends for 8 months and he finally told me that we are officially in a relationship.

He says his leaving everything behind for me, his even going to divorce his wife for me, but she was the one that kicked them out also she wanted a divorce and keeps reminding me everyday that I should value it and not leave him at the end. Even though we are in a relationship now I feel like me and him are just friends.

His wife that kicked him out with his son now wants to come back after using up all his money. He told me shes being very violent on him, hitting him alot infront of his son. Last time she told him she wanted to come back and that she knows his meeting me. She gets violence on him try and get him to beat her up so that she can put him in jail but he resists stays quiets and does nothing. Yet i am still with him and he keeps asking me to leave while I still have the chance because if he gets really serious with me he will not let me go.

I myself am having doubts on why it feels empty when he says he loves me? But everything his done his proven he does. Is it because His been married before and whatever he said to his wife his saying it to me again.

It took him 8 months to say I love you I also don’t know if I should still continue with this. Alot of challenges ahead that involves my family not being able to accept him, we are 13 years difference and he has a child. I do respect the bond he has for his child but I am starting to have feelings of doubt and feelings that I feel he loves his son more than me. Is it even normal to feel comparable to his child from his previous relationship. He told me no one is going to stop him from seeing his child not even me.

This totally ticked me off. I am confused on what to do. People have given alot of advice but still don’t want to accept it because I do love him. • Hi Sophia, Thanks for reaching out. I really feel your concern. It sounds like you’re going through a lot. And it sounds like a very volatile situation that he is in.

I can see why it would be confusing as to what to do. It sounds like he is really going through a lot, too, and that may be the reason that he is pushing you away. At of times, men who are undergoing a lot of transition or they worry that they won’t be able to meet your needs. I would encourage you to take a look at what thoughts are coming up when he says he loves you. Do you that might be interfering with your ability to embrace and accept his affections?

Or maybe your intuition is picking up on a ? I’ll be hosting a webinar next week that you might find helpful: . Hope this helps provide some guidance!

All the best, Melissa • Nat Hi Melissa, I’m so happy that I found your website! I myself walked away from a 7 year relationship 1.5 years ago. It was a struggle to leave, but I now know deep in my heart that it was the right thing to do and I’ve grown so incredibly much from it. 6 months ago I met a man online. While our first date was anything but smooth, I gave it a second chance. And I’m glad that I did as it was a 180!

On the second date he revealed that he and his ex had a little 3 year old girl. I’m in my mid-30s and had you previously told me that I’d be open to dating a divorced guy with a child, I’d tell you, you were dead wrong. But instead the news didn’t scare me; I have nieces the same age, and I kept open to the idea of dating him.

As it turns out, he has the best case that you could ask for; a tight knit, supportive family, a good job, friends and support system. No debt and little drama. He’s open and a great communicator. After several weeks of dating and eventually becoming intimate, he revealed that he was yet to be formally divorced..but rather separated for 2.5 years…but that he considered himself as divorced minus the formal paperwork. This stunned me, and I wasn’t sure whether to run or hear him out.

He said they decided to end things while their little girl was still a baby and wouldn’t know any different. They tried everything under the sun to make things work, but they didn’t so eventually he called things off. That things are over and they merely hadn’t gotten divorced due to tax savings etc, but that it was on their to-do list.

I took him at his word as everything else checked out. They indeed live separately and see each other for exchanges or family events for the sake of the little girl. Since then, we have gone on 3 trips ranging from 4 days to a week, with another trip in a few weeks. We talk daily and see each other a few times a week (I’m not permitted to see him while he has the little girl, yet).

I have met his family and friends, and he has met mine… and all welcome us with open arms. I have met his little girl once and while I was introduced as a friend, we immediately bonded well, in fact almost (unintentionally) too well. So well that it upset her birth mother, understandable, so we postponed any more meetings until further down the line.

Now my bf is talking long term; introducing me to his ex so that myself and my bf can spend time together with his little girl, and longer term for me to have a trial living at his place so that eventually we can purchase a new home together. We have talked about being open to marriage and more kids in the future. So what is my concern you may ask? The divorce proceedings haven’t moved forward.

We tried meeting with his ex and she canceled at the last minute after she got emotionally overwhelmed.

He feels like he can push forward, but only so much at a time. The second thing being that his ex is like a second daughter to his family. She spent time at their family vacation home earlier this year and recently traveled overseas with her sister, my bf’s mother and friends.

I understand the importance of keeping a good relationship for the sake of the little girl, but I’ve never stayed in touch with an ex before, and I feel like there’s so many barriers to break through.

Thankfully to to-date all have been smooth. Being in my mid-30s, normally I wouldn’t do the ticking clock thing, but I don’t want to be burnt again. I also haven’t revealed to friends and family the fact that my bf isn’t divorced yet and how close his ex is to his family (her family isn’t as close-knit); the idea of both doesn’t always sit well with me, but I keep it to ourselves.

I try to be understanding to her situation and feelings (thankfully she’s respectful to us), but I don’t want to be a pushover. How do I proceed without sounding overbearing, while still standing my ground?

How long is reasonable to wait for the divorce to be finalized? Thanks in advance! • Hi Nat, Thanks for reaching out. I feel you! I was in the same boat years ago when I was dating a divorcing man. There wasn’t crazy drama but it just seemed like thing were moving slowly.

(and you’re lucky in that way!) I know how you feel. It worked out in the end and we are all friendly with each other. I have some articles on the topic that I think might interest you: The short answer is everyone’s tolerance level is different for how long they should wait. Ask yourself: what is it that you ultimately want in the long run? What is it costing you the fact that he is still going through a divorce?

what needs are not getting met during this time? how long are you willing to delay having your needs met while he goes through a divorce? Where is your line in the sand? In what situations would you be unwilling to wait any longer? These are very personal questions that only you can answer. And the big question: are you willing to take the risk? It’s risky to put your heart on the line, but if it works out in the end, then there are big payoffs — you get to spend life with someone you love and adore.

But if it doesn’t work out, then you spent that time waiting. It’s a risk but it’s up to us to decide which risks we want to take. I talk about navigating risk in my webinar that I did recently (. The replay will be up for the next four days only) I hope this helps provide some guidance! All the best, Melissa • Maria Hello, I was recently dating a guy for 5 years.

When we first met he told me he was seperated and a child and I was okay with it. Well not so long ago I found out he wasnt and still living with his wife.

So we broke things off. He is now in the process of a legal seperation. He has moved out. I know his feelings for me are true and that he does want to be with me. But im just confused on how to take it from here. Is it okay to start dating him agaim? Or should I just give him time and distance myself from him.

Help!! • Hi Maria, Thank you so much for reaching out. I feel you; it can be a really confusing time because it is such a time of transition for both of you! But the short answer is, if you want to have a “normal” relationship where your needs are met and you’re spending lots of time together and talking about/building a future together, I would hold off on dating him until he is really ….because the fact that he is still involved in his previous relationship, even if it’s by way of trying to dissolve his marriage, his involvement with that really .

His life is such in a state of transition right now that he is not physically or emotionally available for a new relationship. He’s in a highly volatile situation so he’s likely not going to be able to give your relationship the time, attention and nurturing it deserves because he will be going through a divorce and going through that battle. Also, the fact that he was not honest about this marital status in the beginning is a , and I would keep my ears and eyes open to why he might have been keeping that from you.

I know this is a lot to think about but I hope this helps provide some guidance! All the best, Melissa • I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. He is going through divorce proceedings. He recently changed lawyers and his new lawyer stated that as long as he is married, he is not in a relationship with me and that he was setting a bad example by continuing to see me before his divorce is final. I was categorized as his mistress and he was told our relationship was completely invalid in the eyes of the law.

I’m also a teacher (as is he) and the lawyer said we could lose our licenses under crimes of moral turpitude. While I empathize with his situation, I feel bad. He no longer is able to see me as much as before and I no longer come around when he has his kids. I never meant to further complicate his divorce but I love this man and we have spent 11 months and 3 weeks together.

I’m confused and hurt and unsure how I should proceed. He says this will pass and he wants me to be patient but, I just don’t know. Any advice would help. Thanks! • Hi, Thanks so much for your comment. I feel you. I can see why that would be really hard, especially after having spent so much time together.

I’m not an expert in divorce law, but, yes, states do have their own laws when it comes to dissolution of marriage and some states do have “crimes of moral turpitude” laws. It’s really unfortunate that the circumstance could threaten both you jobs.

But you’re doing the right thing by not seeing each other and by laying low (because if you both lose your jobs, that’s a whole other level of complication, right?). I know it hurts and it’s not easy. And it’s not your fault. What’s important is to focus on you and how you are going to approach this new development. The antidote to fear is CLARITY.

I encourage you to journal about this because there are a lot of emotions coming up for you right now and processing it out on paper in a private journal will help you sort through the feelings and confusion. Just do stream of consciousness writing for like 10 mins each day.

Write what comes to mind. Get it all out. And then start to think about: given the new development, what choices are available to you? What choices do you have in front of you? Are you able to stay connected (talk, email, etc?) while he goes through his divorce? Or do you have to completely cut off contact?

If you want to wait for him, think about what that would mean to you; do you want to wait and if so, for how long? Because of the circumstance, because doing so would jeopardize your jobs. And if you put your relationship on hold….you won’t get your needs met.

But is that something you’re willing to do in order to wait for the possibility of being together? It’s a very personal decision that only you can make. If you can’t see each other, how long would you want to wait for the divorce to be final? What obstacles do you foresee? What kind of emotional fortification and support do you need in order to get through it?

The antidote to fear is CLARITY. So thinking through a plan of action for you will help you overcome the fear and confusion. I think it is a lot to think about but I hope this helps lend some clarity! All the best, Melissa • Ashlynn Hi Melissa. I am currently 18 and seeing a 30 year old man who is separated but not divorced. His wife left him a year ago to go live with a new boyfriend and he is left raising his two daughters.

I am in love with him and he is with me. His wife recently apologized and said she wants to come back, although he has been in contact with her for awhile so his girls can talk to her. He is such a nice guy and wants the best for his girls who miss their mommy.

With that being said, he is willing to let her move back in with him but stay separated until they can afford the divorce. He wants to introduce me to her and wants to continue seeing me. He claims he will only let her stay 30 days, but my worry is they might realize they still love each other and want to stay married. I can’t figure out whether to stick it out or run for the hills so I don’t make things awkward or break a marriage up.

I know I’m young and I could have anyone but I feel like he is the love of my life. • Hi Ashlynn, Thank you for commenting. I really feel you. I know this is hard…when you’re in love with someone who is not able to fully commit to the kind of relationship that you really want. The reality is, because he is going through a divorce right now, his life is undergoing a MAJOR transition. Think of it like you’re on a boat together…the boat is your relationship, his divorce is inclement weather.

When your boat is in a storm, there’s going to be a lot of ups and downs and it’s difficult to predict just how bad the storm might be. That is the kind of risk you are taking on when dating a divorcing man. It’s a very volatile time. So I totally understand why it feels scary. The antidote to fear is clarity. To approach this in a way that is in the interest of your long-term happiness, you need to get really clear with yourself on a several things: You need to get clear on your vision.

In your heart of hearts, in love life of your dreams, what kind of life and relationship do you really want? What does that look like and feel like? Get really clear on what you’re potentially getting into if you stay together while he’s going through a divorce. Assess the risks. Forecast what could you potentially be getting into? And for how long? (sometimes divorces can take years) Get really clear on your needs and requirements. what do you need and require in a relationship in order for you to have the relationship that you really want?

what do you need in a relationship in order to feel loved? what are your dealbreakers? It’s really important to get clear on those things because if you stay together, if you go through this storm with him, you’re not going to have the relationship that you really want—at least while he is undergoing this major transition (maybe even indefinitely) because he’s not going to be fully available both physically and emotionally—his physical and emotional energy are going toward dealing with his major transition, the divorce and helping his kids deal with the divorce.

It’s really important to get clear on your vision because this vision that you have for the kind of life and relationship that you want with him….it’s going to be delayed, and it’s hard to tell for how long. Because the truth is, you can’t have a normal relationship with him while he’s going through a divorce.

So you have to really ask yourself whether you are are willing to give up that vision. And if you are willing to, for how long are you willing to put that vision aside?

If you’re going to for a situation that’s less than what you really want, you have to look within and ask yourself for how long would you be willing to do that, under what circumstances (are there any dealbreakers?), or whether that’s something you’re even willing to do. I can’t tell you whether you should stay or go because that’s a deeply personal decision that only you can make.

But what I can tell you is that it’s a very risky relationship….for some of the reasons that you already mentioned….he’s undergoing a lot of transition. He might finalize his divorce. Or he might reconcile with his wife. So if you’re hoping for a normal relationship during this time or some semblance of a normal relationship, it’s not realistic to expect that he will be available for the kind of relationship that you want.

So you have to really look inside yourself to decide if this is something you want to do. I know this is a lot to think about, but I hope this helps provide some guidance! All the best, Melissa • Anonymous I met a man through my work who is married. 7 months ago we began talking, emailing eachother and getting to know one another. We were very physically attracted to eachother and had agreed to meet outside of work.

What started out as physical quickly turned into more. We fell head over heels for eachother. I knew the strong possibility of him staying with his wife so I never pushed for him to leave her. I had heard around the office that he and his wife were on and off for years and have only been married for 2. He has always been open and honest with me about his marriage…. good and bad. And that there are significant differences in what he and his wife want, for example children. After 6 months of seeing eachother he decided (on his own) to move out.

He is renting an apartment and wanted to focus on what he and I have. He is seeing a therapist about the situation and is open with me about his appointments. He has told me that he is not in love with his wife but cares about her well being through this. And therefore is trying to let her down easy, he meets with her once a week to talk with her about their separation and issues that she has refused to address that have caused him to separate.

I love this man. And I believe he loves me. But I am scared that he still has ties to her…. I have considered backing off until he figures things out and fully separates from his wife…..

however of course neither of us want that. I’m very unsure of what to do. Neither of us have ever been in this type of situation. We’re both loyal and faithful people who got into this difficult situation.

Is it wise to continue seeing eachother? Even with all of the open and honest communication? • Tiff I’ve been dating a separated man for about three months now. He is 14 years older, has a 3 y/o daughter with his ‘wife’ and has been separated from her for about 2.5years now–they had been together for 10+years, married for 4. I realize it is still soon to get out, and unfortunately, feels a bit too soon to start badgering him with questions about him finalizing his divorce.

I’ve asked plenty already, and he tells me he’s going RE-FILE (according to him, there was a problem with the first filing and he never bothered following up because there was never a reason to) in April of 2017, once he gets his tax return–he also claims that lawyers and settlements are too time and money consuming for him right now.

He has made it pretty clear that he is no longer in love with his wife, and that they have both agreed to seeing other people meanwhile they are separated.

I am aware that they have a child together, and he doesn’t seem to fail on his fatherly duties at all–he claims that him and his wife still get along as friends. But I worry that they might rebound to each other… even after having broken up twice already. I am sure that he is living separate (i’ve spent time at his home & slept over plenty), he even introduced me to his roommate which is pretty great friends with his wife… I’m sure it’s noticeable that I have my doubt about this guy… So I suppose my question is, if no suggestions– what kind of signs should I be looking for?

I don’t plan to wait around forever… and waiting until April 2017 is ridiculously long for someone to divorce from someone they claim they’re separated from. I see so much more potential in this man than I have anyone else i’ve dated… So i don’t want to miss out on a great catch, but him being married is something i’m very uncomfortable with–and he knows this.

• Hi, Thank you so much for reaching out. I hear you. I feel your concern; this is a challenging situation to be in. In this situation, I think it is a good sign that he is proactively taking steps toward his intended outcome: ending his marriage.

It’s a good sign that he that he took the initiative to move out (instead of making excuses, which is what some people do), and he’s getting emotional support through this transition by seeing a therapist. It’s also a good sign that he’s trying to end his marriage as peacefully and amicably as possible. The truth is, he’s DOES still have ties to her because they are married.

Whether it’s wise to continue seeing each other is a very personal decision for you to make. And it depends on what you really want and what you are willing to do.

But here’s what I can tell you based on my experience and based on helping other women in this situation: if you want a normal relationship where you get to do the normal things that couple’s do and your relationship grows in a stable way—that’s not realistic in this situation when he’s going through a separation and impending divorce. His life is undergoing a lot of transition right now, and so his time, resources, and emotional energy are going toward that. And to try and have a normal relationship where your needs are met while that is going on is not a realistic expectation.

It sounds like he is still in the very early stages of his separation and divorce. Have they filed yet? Is there a separation waiting period? (this is true in some states).

These are questions to consider to help you get clearer on what you’re getting into. It’s also really important to get clear on your vision (your dream for the kind of life and relationship that you really want), your needs and requirements (what you need in order to feel loved and your relationship dealbreakers).

And you also need to consider the risks; get as clear as you can on what you’re getting into. If he is separated but has not filed for divorce yet, it may be some time before the filings happen and before the divorce is final.

You need to think about how long you are willing to wait. If you want long term relationship happiness, you need to be true to your vision, needs and requirements. Given this awareness, which path feels right for you? Know that if you stay in this relationship while he is going through a separation, your vision for the kind of relationship that you really want will not be realized right now.

Even with all the open and honest communication, some of your needs and requirements may not be met. You have to know that going in if you decide to stay in this relationship. I hope this helps provide some guidance! All the best, Melissa • Hi Tiff, Thank you so much for reaching out. I hear you. The first red flag that come to mind for me is I wonder why “there was never a reason to” get divorced. I wonder why he is not in a hurry to get divorced. It appears that he has a lot of reasons (excuses) for why he hasn’t made progress on his divorce…he says it’s “too much time”…or…”too much money.” So it doesn’t sound like like getting a divorce is a priority for him.

You may have a really wonderful connection with him, but if you want a normal relationship where your relationship grows into deeper levels of connection and intimacy and where you are free to create the life and relationship that you want together, it’s not likely that you’ll get to have that if you’re dating a separated man….because he still has legal and perhaps emotional ties to his previous relationship.

I encourage you to get clear on your vision (your dream for the kind of life and relationship that you really want), and get clear on your needs and requirements (what you need in order to feel loved and your relationship dealbreakers).

…because that can be the basis on which you make relationship decisions. If you want long-term relationship happiness, you have to be true to your vision, needs and requirements. There are also some things you can look out for like is he making progress toward his divorce (or is he dragging his feet), and is he clear about what he wants and is he prioritizing his life in a way to attain it, and is he showing evidence that he will meet your needs and requirements?

Another really important thing to consider and look into is ? could it be that he is staying married because he is unconsciously still not over his previous relationship? And how long are you willing to wait for him to start making meaningful progress toward a divorce?

I know this is a lot to think about but I hope this helps provide some guidance. All the best, Melissa • Joy Hi Mellisa For the first time in my life, I find myself dating a man that has been on seperation for about a year. We have been seeing each other for a month, and I am 5 years older than him, in my mid-40s, never been married and never had kids.

He has 2 children under 5 years with his wife, they live seperately, she with the kids. Their marriage started breaking down after they encountered a serious financial knock after he lost his job, and she was forced to work for the first time in her life, and he thinks that right now there is no hope of getting back with her. He has found a means to create an income, and sends money to his family, but his fear is that if he files for divorce, she will make very unreasonable financial demands, and he might even lose his kids.

I love him so much, but feel uncertain because he has kept me a secret so far, and he says that he wants me in his life forever, but does not know how to do that. By the way, he injured his back a few days ago, and his wife spent 3 nights at his place to help him out. He asked me not to call at night, and even messages me during the day to say that she is around and I must not call. I know his marriage issues should not be my problem, but I really love him.

• HI Joy, Thanks for reaching out and sharing your story. I hear you. I can see how that would hurt because you feel like you’re on the sidelines and you’re not having the relationship that you really want.

I know how hard it is to be deeply in love yet you feel like you can’t have a normal relationship. Whenever we experience issues in our relationship, it’s because we have needs or requirements that are not being met. All needs and requirements are valid. They are unique to you, your values, and the experience that you want to create for yourself in this life. Requirements are dealbreakers.

They are non-negotiable for you…meaning if one requirement was not present, the relationship would not work for you. They are qualities and behavioral events in a relationship…for example “fidelity, mutual respect, loves children, etc.” Needs are functional and emotional needs in a relationship that are still very important to you, but they’re not dealbreakers. For example, you might have an emotional need for appreciation or a functional need for punctuality/planning, but maybe you wouldn’t necessarily END the relationship if he were late to a date or failed to show appreciation for something.

But needs and requirements are related in that they can be gradations of one another. What’s important is to get clear on what your needs and requirements are, and also , and then ; see how aligned you are in terms of your individual needs and requirements. And then given that awareness, ask yourself “Are you a good long-term match? Is this relationship going to work for you?” Whether it’s wise to continue seeing each other is a very personal decision for you to make.

And it depends on what you really want and what you are willing to do. But here’s what I can tell you based on my experience and based on helping other women in this situation: if you want a normal relationship where you get to do the normal things that couple’s do and your relationship grows in a stable way—that’s not realistic in this situation when he’s going through a separation and impending divorce.

His life is undergoing a lot of transition right now, and so his time, resources, and emotional energy are going toward that. And to try and have a normal relationship where your needs are met while that is going on is not a realistic expectation. It’s really important to get clear on your vision (your dream for the kind of life and relationship that you really want), your needs and requirements (what you need in order to feel loved and your relationship dealbreakers).

Does he want to remarry? Does he want more kids in the future? If you want long term relationship happiness, you need to be true to your vision, needs and requirements. That’s the basis for long term happiness…living out your dream, with someone who can support that dream. Know that if you stay in this relationship while he is separated, your vision for the kind of relationship that you really want will not be realized right now; you’re not going to have a normal relationship (as you have mentioned and experienced).

Some of your needs and requirements may not be met. I hope this helps provide some guidance! All the best, Melissa • aisha Hello Melissa, I have never dated a married guy before. I have never imagined the universe bringing a separated man in my path. I met a guy,he has been separated 3 years ago. I do not know if he is getting a divorce?

I don’t know why the divorce is still pending, and I don’t know why he is separated. I find my self falling for him because he treats me right, and on the other hand, my self esteem is being attacked for dating a man who is still married.

We have been on a couple of dates, and I have met his brother. He claims to really love me and even making plans with me for the near future.

The relation is not up to a month. I love him, or should I say, I think I love love him. I want to ask him out for us to be more clear about his relationship with his wife. I want to see paper work. He said it’s over and he is ready. The only reason I agreed is because it has been 3 years since he moved on. Should I give this a chance? I need help. I am getting exhausted and don’t wanna dig deep. I like the fact that he opened up about his status.

I am glad I met him but I am confused as hell. help me • Hi Aisha, Thanks for reaching out. I hear you. When we day dream about our ideal love life, we don’t usually think he’s going to be separated and have a lot of . You’re on the right track for wanting more info about the status of his divorce or pending divorce.

If you are hoping for a long-term relationship with him, knowing where he is with all that will help you decide whether to go into deeper levels of commitment with him and .

I know it’s hard to talk to him about these subjects and to ask these questions because , but getting real honest with him, and hearing his honest responses, is the best way to . I embedded some links to more articles that I think would help you think this through. I hope this helps provide some guidance! All the best, Melissa • Shana Tarbiat Hi Melissa, one of my best friends reached out to me 3.5 months ago. we have known each other for years. 5 years ago he wanted to date me but i was dating my ex.

he then got married 3 years ago but based on what he said when he started talking to me that he is in separation with his wife. Although they are still living in the same house. when i asked him why he is living in the same house he mentioned financial matters. he kind of confessed his love for the last 5 years towards me. i have know him as a friend to be very loyal and caring. i also never thought he would break his marriage because he is very faithful.

when asked him why he is planing to break his marriage he mentioned a few different reasons. he said, his wife is planning to go backhome and live there with the rest of her family while he wants to move to Europe and live there for the rest of his life. then he mentioned that he could not forget me and my love for the last 3 years.

when i asked him how long his process of separation and divorce will take he said they have filed last year (never mentioned exact months) and also he said he is not sure. but he mentioned he has lawyers to do this for him. i am friend with him on Facebook and friends on facebook with his wife as well. i still see some pictures togethere from last summer. and every Facebook post he has the wife likes it rightway.

while these cannot be an indication of they are truly togethere but the fact that he cannot spend a lot of time with me because he has to be home as a certain time is not apealing. it makes me sad. sometimes he doesn’t call or message for 2 days.

but when he is not with his wife he calls and messages all the time. i see these behaviours very inconsistent. i think even though he has moved on in his marriage (i trust him because of our friendship history) but the wife has not. and i think he cannot fully announce his separation to his wife to not make their divorce more complicated.

at the begining he was very passionate but now he is less and he dissapears often. while he always talks about us together and how we should plan for our future. but i still don’t see it as a firm indication of how our relationship will end up. I don’t feel happy even though i really love him. i want to trust him and think he will make everything right but he has not communicated things with me honestly recently.

i think there are puzzle pieces that are missing. I was thinking of talking to him and let him know that we stay friends until he ends things about his divorce. how do you think i have to approch this? thanks Shana • Hi Shana, Thanks for reaching out. I hear you. It’s a difficult situation to be in. But trust your intuition on this one. If , it’s probably because right now or he is unsure of what he wants.

I would encourage you to keep your distance and protect your heart until you are very clear on what his status is, otherwise you . I hope this helps provide some guidance! I linked some articles in my response that I think might be helpful. All the best, Melissa • Bianca Hi Melissa, I hope you’re still replying to these messages because I am in desperate need of advice. I have been dating this man for roughly 2 months; however, we ended our relationship today due to some troubles that he is having with his divorce.

He disclosed on the very first day of meeting that he was married but separated and ready to move on. Now I knew better than to get involved with him because something told me that it was much deeper than that. A month in a half in we decided to give each other some distance due to the divorce. This weekend we spoke more in-depth about it and he told me that his wife does not want to get a divorce and that she is desperately trying to get back together with him.

He has assured me that he will not get back with her because she is having a baby by another man, and although I believe him I do know that he still loves her. I am already involved with him on an emotional, mental and physical level and we both do not want to give up on each other. We both agreed that it is best to wait, but I am not sure I know how to.

I would really enjoy hearing what you think. How do we go about maintain some level of distance yet closeness? Do I give him space? Call on the phone? I want to believe that if it is meant to be, it will be but at the same time relationships need to be maintained and I don’t know what to do. A little bit more information: The divorce papers have not been filed because she won’t say she agrees to the divorce, but she does know about me.

I also told him that he should get some counseling to work through some of these feelings, and he wants to but I am not sure if he will do it. • Hi Bianca, Thanks for reaching out. I hear you. It’s hard to have a close but distant relationship because . I have a couple of articles here that might be helpful to you on whether you should wait. But here’s what I can tell you based on my experience and based on helping other women in this situation who are dating a separated man: if you want a normal relationship where you get to do the normal things that couple’s do and your relationship grows in a stable way—that’s not a realistic expectation in this situation when he’s going through a separation and impending divorce.

His life is undergoing a lot of transition right now, and so his time, resources, and emotional energy are going toward that. And to try and have a normal closeness in the relationship while that is going on is not a realistic expectation.

So if you want to stay in contact, you have to adjust your expectations about what your relationship will look like and feel like while he’s going through a divorce. And you have to decide how long you are willing to wait. I hope this helps provide some guidance!

All the best, Melissa • Amy Hi Melissa, When I was in HS my best friend and I never dated but one day I told him I loved him and he said he was flattered but didn’t feel the same. There was a special connection between us. I’ve always believed us to be soul mates. Over the years there have been many coincidences that have brought us scarily close to each other. He has been married the last 26 years and I recently (2 months ago) reconnected with him and things started to happen.

Shortly after that he was served his divorce papers. He was not looking for a divorce but toward a possible reconciliation. His wife threw him out over a year ago and dumped him off at the hospital twice when he was in life threatening situations. She wants nothing to do with him.

He can’t understand why she won’t even talk to him. He claims responsibility for what went wrong between them. He drank and said some very mean things to her. He was accused of having an affair but he claims nothing ever happened. He was just texting someone which was inappropriate but not an affair. Things have started to happen between us.

We decided to slow things down and just be friends until this is all sorted out. We’ve been spending practically every day together doing friend stuff. I’ve enjoyed having my friend back immensely.

I’m trying not to give any ultimatums but clearly need to set some boundaries as to how far things can go between us until he gets his feelings figured out. A part of me feels so guilty because technically he is still married.

And the other part of me figures I knew him even before she did so if she doesn’t want him then why should I deny us a chance. We’ve talked in depth about our feelings for each other and it amazes me that he hasn’t run away.

He’s been thoughtful about all concerned. Trying to take an active roll in his kids (3) lives. He’s paying her nearly half of his income which isn’t much because he’s on disability right now. He’s in recovery (alcohol) out of rehab in Jan.

so he’s dealing with a tremendous amount on his plate. I’m trying to be there for him as a friend. But my heart is already fully invested in him and I have no guarantees that he will complete the divorce or even want to be with me. Although so far there seems to be great interest there. Am I setting myself up for a huge heartbreak? Do I withdraw from even being friends until he figures this stuff out? If it were anyone else I would have been running for the hills long before now, but this is the man I’ve loved my entire life.

The one I’ve always believed has been my soulmate. How can I turn my back on what may be our only chance.? • Hi Amy, Thanks so much for reaching out and for sharing your story. I feel you, this is a hard place to be in because you have strong feelings for this man but he isn’t quite ready to give you the kind of relationship that you really want.

Since he is still going through a divorce and unsure if he wants to reconcile with his wife or go through with the divorce (not to mention he’s also on disability and recently got out of alcohol rehab)…his life is undergoing a lot of stressful changes right now, which means he’s not really able to be available (either emotionally or physically) to grow and nurture a new relationship. And the fact that he is considering reconciliation also means that he still has strong feelings for his marriage; .

He’s very preoccupied with these big changes in his life…and trying to have romantic relationship with him while he’s going through all this is likely going to result in you not getting your needs met and could lead to .

If you want to give yourself the best chance of avoiding “huge heartbreak,” I would be wise to step back from this relationship until he is WAY more clear about what he wants (clear that he does want to get a divorce and not reconcile) AND is taking meaningful action to attain it (moving heaven and earth to make it happen.

That’s not the same as having “great interest” in being with you). I know you love him and have an amazing connection with him, but you’re ultimately going to be unhappy if he is not available to meet you needs. Stepping back doesn’t mean you’re losing him. It’s giving him the space to make a decision and get ready for a new relationship, if that is what he wants to do.

These big changes in his life are interfering with your relationship. You’ll ALWAYS have a connection to him. But whether that connection becomes a new romantic relationship with you is in question because he’s still married and unsure whether he wants to stay married. Also, sometimes stepping back changes the status quo and gives people greater motivation to get off the fence and make a decision.

Either way, you’re not forcing him hand. You’re simply taking care of yourself and your own needs while he takes care of his matters. And , he will come back around when he is ready and will take meaningful action toward creating a life with you. I know that’s a lot to think about. I hope this helps provide some guidance! Blessings, Melissa • Susan Hi Melissa, I myself have been thru a terrible divorce, but now find myself in love with a man that says and I believe to be true, unhappily married for 15yrs or more.

They sleep on separate floors of the house (15 or more yrs), have nothing in common but WE get alone like we have known each other for a lifetime.

He asked my opinion on how to approach the separation? divorce conversation as I have been there. However, each is different. I can only advise that if I did again I would consult an attorney before I said anything. He naturally doesn’t want to hurt her regardless of not being in love for yrs and there children are in there 20’s and in college away from home.

However, memories, the kids come back to what was/is home and as I believe we do truly love each other and want to be together. he is just at that point of beginning where he doesn’t want to loose all his financial investments and neither hurt his “family”. I truly have my gut feeling he is the one, but for my heart should I just step back and wait until it is legal and final before i give? Been here before and I know the scars it leaves on both and could potentially ruin what a great thing we have now, but i would rather step back until he is free and clear..

• Hi Susan, Thanks for reaching out. Yes, It’s a good idea to wait until he is divorced and really ready to give your relationship the kind of attention and nurturing it deserves, otherwise you’re going to be in a situation where your needs go unmet and it’s going to make you resent him. And that resentment is going to get in the way of deepening your connection and growing your relationship.

It’s in your best interest to wait until he is much further along in the divorce process, if not completely divorced so . I hope this helps provide some guidance! All the best, Melissa • Hi, I’m in a relationship with a separated man. His ex wife moved out in March of 2017 into a home she bought. They sold the house in September and divided the money in half. He was living in the house when I met him he told immediately that he was separated. Somehow I continue to date him as I once was in the same situation back in 2010 when I met my finance who died in 2011.

He knew I had not been divorced but wanted to marry me. I did eventually get my divorce. The man I’m seeing has been honest about his situation and we have 6 1/2 months together. We are taking a vacation in 2/18 and I have met his friends, grandchildren and his son.

We are actually having dinner together on Saturday. He always talks about our future and being in a long term relationship all his actions are of a man who is in love and wants to make me happy. He and his wife had been distant for many years as they were just housemates. He tells me he wants a future with me and talks about when he retires in three years we will move to Florida and by a home.

He does say he’s going to divorce however there is the situation where his exwife wants to remain on his insurance. She is retired I have to find out her age as my girlfriend who is well informed of insurance says she can get her own insurance. He has told me that he never wants to hurt me and that he is being honest with me. My thoughts it does bother me that he’s still married and I do want to bring it up again I thought of discussing the situation during our vacation.

He always tells me what can I do to show you that I really love you. I do believe next time he says that I’m going to say get divorced or give me a ring as you are serious about me.

What’s your thought on this. • Hi Julia, I hear you and can see why this would be really difficult. It really comes down to what matters to you and what your dealbreakers are. I’m sure his feelings for you are genuine and real and that he really does love you and care about you and want to be with you, but the reality is he is still married. My general advice is to not date or commit to someone who is not available for a commitment to you if commitment is what you want. But if he is doing everything within his power to get divorced, and he is really close to divorce, I might give him a chance, but only if he is moving heaven and earth to get to that point.

Your needs matter. And he cannot fully meet your needs if he is married to another woman. I hope this helps provide some guidance!

With love and light, Melissa


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