I Kissed Dating a Non-Christian Goodbye. May 31, 2017/78 Comments/in Life Issues, TOPICS /by Contributor. Written By Audrey A, Malaysia I have always been amazed at my dad’s boldness in marrying a non-believer, and his patience and trust in God to make the flower bloom as he planted the seed of God’s love in my mother’s heart. Naively, I thought I could do the same. Duncan and I were colleagues and we worked on many projects together How can God be good when there are SO many single woman and not enough single men in the church? God placed desires in my heart for marriage and kids and denied me those things. It almost seems cruel and it makes me doubt Gods goodness. But did he deny me?
I’ve been single for years, but I recently met a guy I hit it off with right away. I’m interested in getting to know him more—the only problem is he’s not a Christian.
He seems open to the idea of faith, but he’s never been involved in church or anything. Is it really that big of a deal to date a non-Christian? – Tired of Being Single Dear Tired, First of all, I get where you’re coming from. When you meet someone you really like, it’s easy to start making compromises on some of the things you were originally looking for. Especially if you grew up in the church, you’ve probably heard people say that Christians should not marry non-Christians.
And since dating is the first step toward marriage, it follows that Christians should not date non-Christians either. But many people think this is the ideal rather than the norm.
I have met so many believers who—when times got tough or lonely—ditched that rule and started a relationship with an unbeliever. “What could be the harm,” they wonder. “My boyfriend acts more like a Christian than my Christian friends do,” they say. And sadly, that may be true, but being a Christian is about so much more than just being a moral person. Being a believer means that your relationship with God has absolutely, entirely and clearly changed your life. If you are a believer and profess to have a relationship with Jesus Christ, there is no getting around the fact that this is by far the most influential relationship you will ever have.
It’s a relationship that will shape your identity, form your beliefs, influence your choices and guide the entire purpose of your life. It’s a relationship that, according to Scripture, will not just change you, it will re-create you. When you enter a relationship with Jesus, you’re not simply a “better version” of yourself, you are made absolutely new. Again, I realize you’re just asking about dating, not about marriage yet, but I’m going to jump ahead to marriage because even if you’re not sure that is where the relationship will end up, that possibility should be a consideration when you’re deciding who to date.
Spiritual Connection Through marriage, you are choosing to become one body with another human being (2 Corinthians 6:14-17). You are joining your hearts, your minds and your very bodies in an intimate and sacred connection.
For those who are Christians, this union cannot fully take place with someone outside of relationship with Jesus Christ, because true “oneness” is something that cannot be forced or synthesized: it’s supernatural. At the end of the day, there is no replacing the deep intimacy that comes when you are physically, emotionally and spiritually connected to another human being. Don’t sell yourself short out of fear and desperation, but instead, move toward God’s promises in faith.
The Reason for Christian Marriage For Christians, marriage is about more than just companionship. It’s about the display of the glory of God at work through our relationship (Ephesians 5:31-33). Marriage is a glorious display of Christ and the Church—of sacrifice, and the laying down of our lives for one another.
If we’re not looking at marriage with this purpose in mind, we’re actually missing what marriage is all about. As John Piper so eloquently says, “Marriage exists ultimately to display the covenant-keeping love between Christ and His church.
If you are married, that is why you’re married. If you hope to be, that should be your dream!” When we choose to redefine marriage on our own terms, we miss out on experiencing marriage in the sacred, intimate, God-honoring way it’s meant to be experienced.
Compatibility I tell my counseling clients all the time that modern psychology points to the benefits of being married to someone with whom you are “spiritually in-sync.” Faith and spirituality are such important factors in our lives that those who have them in common tend to have a lower divorce rate. This statistic rings true for all belief systems, because having this integral part of our identity in common is like strings that hold two people together.
But above and beyond the strings of “commonality,” believers in Christ are held together by something even greater: the Spirit of God who lives, breathes and works in us and through us. Those who are united in Spirit cannot be separated (Mark 10:9). According to Scripture, when God joins something together, something powerful happens that can’t be separated by mere man. The Spirit of God is the only guarantee that we will have what it takes to love, to confess, to sacrifice, to give and to forgive one another.
I am not saying that marriages between people of different faiths never work at all, or that simply being a “Christian” guarantees that we will make good choices in our marriage or that we will be exempt from divorce. But when both partners in a marriage are allowing God’s spirit to work in their lives, they then have the power to say no to their sin and flesh rather than being ruled by it. Don’t let fear drive you into the arms of someone with whom you can’t share every single part of your life.
God calls us to make relationship choices in our lives not based out of fear, but out of faith—faith that God is faithful, that He is good and that His great plan for your life is worth the wait.
Don’t settle for anything less. Have a question? Good! Send an email to . All identifying information will be kept anonymous. An earlier version of this article appeared at . is a Licensed Professional Counselor, relationship expert, national speaker, and author of the book .
Her newest book for singles and couples, , is available for pre-order and set to be released this Spring. Debra is also the creator of the popular relationship advice blog, , reaching millions of people with the message that healthy people make healthy relationships.
Connect with her on or ! Related Topics • • Daniel, thank you for the comment. I have been struggling with this issue for a while now since I have been in this situation (single) for some time. It’s not an easy subject to discuss, and most churches, even non conservatives, would be fast to condemn “mixed” marriage right away. This whole “you have to marry a christian” as a strict rule, just doesn’t sound right.
Thanks you for the thoughts, because you expressed things I couldn’t put in words. I hope this article and comments can help us better understand things. Daniel, thank you for the comment. I have been struggling with this issue for a while now since I have been in this situation (single) for some time. It’s not an easy subject to discuss, and most churches, even non conservatives, would be fast to condemn “mixed” marriage right away.
This whole “you have to marry a christian” as a strict rule, just doesn’t sound right. Thanks you for the thoughts, because you expressed things I couldn’t put in words. Last night, I opened this article with an open mind, asked the Lord above: please change my heart about this issue.
I’d be all the more at peace with myself if I could simply buy into the dogmatic ambiguity Debra is spewing out, but the time I got to the comments I was instead fuming with frustration. The only redeeming element of this article is Daniel’s comment; reading it, I finally feeling I had some answers which were grounded in the truth about Jesus, and not the religiosity that’s been built up around him.
So, I log in this morning to attempt to share my thousand thoughts on this issue, only to find that Relevant has censored his comment! –something to the tune of ‘We have hidden this comment due to too many user down votes. Click to show comment’. Relevant, are you kidding me?! If anything you oughta rip a page out of Daniel’s book!
We must consider what we do does, how ripples out to those listening. Relevant –censoring Daniels comment is sordid. He is offering genuine questions you ought to use as future material. Dearest Debra, are your words ushering in the kingdom, or driving people away from it? As a young woman (25) who has essentially abstained from dating altogether, I have never had a boyfriend. This is because of the conditioning of the church, I struggle with simply even entertaining the idea of going on a date with someone because I automatically think to marriage as the end goal.
If there’s any one thing I could shake off from my young years in the church, its this giant leap I make upon first encountering an suitable man, ‘Christian’ or otherwise. The very same giant leap you make in your article. Its as if I’m at the base of a mountain, asking you for the route to the top and you just point to the summit and say that’s the only thing you need to think about. This conditioning has certainly impeded my ability to be present with suitors of any stripe, I’m automatically sized them up for marriage.
It’s robbed me of potential friendships. And I struggle to believe it’s a healthy mentality to host, expecting ‘marriage material’ to surface within the first few encounters with someone? Impractical. Your words of advice drive me further away from understanding, and moreover further away from wanting anything to do with the church. Thankfully, I’m trusting in the Lord and not the troubling counsel being offered here. And Daniel, thanks, For your boldness to actually write grounded truth and offer countercultural questions.
The answer given was correct for a Christian based on scripture. There is no debate. If she would prefer to go off on her own, outside of clear guidance of scripture, then she should acknowledge that and not request guidance. I’ve known people that have said things like “I feel God is saying it’s ok to do fill in the blank” on things that are clearly spelled out.
best dating a non believer a single mom - I'm A Believer Of God And I'm Dating A Non
Bible verses about dating non believers If you were thinking about dating a non-Christian don’t. You probably think nothing will happen, it doesn’t matter, you know better than God, but you’re wrong. Dating an unbeliever can hinder your relationship with Christ. Being around an ungodly person can make you start to sin more, act in a different way, talk in a different way, be led astray, and always remember if your life is all about Christ you won’t be able to express and share things about Christ which all believers love to do because there is no connection.
like Samson and Solomon. There is no point of if you don’t plan on marrying them and I’ve heard many bad stories about believers who married an unbeliever. Don’t think you will change that person later on in life because that rarely happens and only makes things worse.
Don’t think that God doesn’t care because he does. He loves you and does not want you to be one flesh with a person that won’t accept his son. Wait for a Christian. An ungodly husband or an ungodly wife cannot do God’s will in marriage. I want to also remind you this, don’t date someone just because they go to church because many people who say they’re Christians are not truly Christians. Don’t disobey God and wait patiently for the Lord. Quotes • “You can’t save them by dating them.
Let God change their heart before you try to start a relationship with them.” • “Choose to be with someone who brings out your truest identity with Christ.” • “Marry someone who makes you fall in love with God every single day.” • “A woman relentlessly chasing after Christ is incredibly attractive to the man relentlessly pursuing Christ.” What does the Bible say? 1. 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 .
For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? 2. Deuteronomy 7:3 Do not with them. Do not give your daughters to their sons or take their daughters for your sons.
3. Malachi 2:15 Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.
4. 1 Corinthians 7:39 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. 5. 1 Corinthians 5:11 But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler.
Do not even eat with such people. 6. Ezra 10:11 Now honor the LORD, the God of your ancestors, and do his will. Separate yourselves from the peoples around you and from your foreign wives. 7. Proverbs 22:25 or you will learn to be like them and endanger your soul. 8. Deuteronomy 22:10 Do not plow with an ox and a donkey yoked together. 9. 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
Bad company 10. 1 Corinthians 15:33 .” 11. Proverbs 13:20 Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.
Honor God with your body 12. Romans 12:1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.
13. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price.
So glorify God in your body. One flesh 14. Matthew 19:5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 15. 1 Corinthians 6:16-17 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body?
For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit. Beauty is fleeting 16. Proverbs 31:30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. 17. 2 Corinthians 4:16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
Reminders 18. Ephesians 5:17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. 19. Romans 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. 20. James 4:4 You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.
21. Proverbs 12:15 The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice. Bible example 22. 1 Kings 11:4 , and his heart was not fully devoted to the LORD his God, as the heart of David his father had been.
/ I am single. Unattached. Keeping my options open. I fly solo. No matter how you choose to word it, being single was never in my plans. Growing up in the church, I thought I had a solid understanding of how my story would play out. You go to youth group, you love Jesus, you meet someone, you graduate high school, you get married, and as the fairy tales say, “You live happily ever after.” When I was 19 I was ready.
And then when I turned 23, I was really ready. At 27, I understood and accepted that God was using the last few years to prepare me for marriage. But when 30 hit, let’s just say God and me were in a fight. I never would have considered dating a non-Christian. Not in a million years. In fact, “loves God and puts Him first” was always on the top of the list of what I was looking for. But then the frustration set in. It started as impatience, but it soon developed into a rampaging beast of unbelief, doubt, and worst of all, hopelessness.
It felt like everyone I knew was married, including the kids I used to babysit. There seemed to be 10 girls for every single available guy in church. Then there was the pressure of every person I knew asking about my relationship status every time I saw them. Or mentioning their far-off distant relative who they thought might still be single (which they never were), and who they could maybe one day set me up with (which they never did).
It became hard to find peace between the God that I loved and this aching, unmet desire to find a companion. I was irritated. It felt like God wasn’t listening, and I was discouraged that my life seemed stuck in a pit of hopelessness with no sign of movement anytime soon. So when the opportunity arose, I figured I would just take things into my own hands. The moment I made the decision to waver on something I always said I would never compromise on, the offers flooded in.
Suddenly I got asked out in a grocery store line-up, and then at a dollar store. Then, a really nice guy I met in a coffee shop asked me out.
While the first two dates were just awkward encounters that made me feel uncomfortable and probably caused my face to glow red for hours afterwards, the third guy peaked my interest. He was funny. He was nice. He was kind.
And he was pretty direct about his intentions. He had a great career and he truly could give me everything I ever wanted in this life. I was tossed into a sea of internal conflict. I knew he wasn’t a believer, but I wanted to spend time with him and get to know more about him.
The idea of not seeing him again saddened me. I liked the way I felt being around him. As a believer, especially if you grow up in the church, you can convince yourself that non-Christians aren’t nice people. But the reality is, more often than not, they are really great. So, I made the decision to spend time with this guy and got to know him.
We hung out, we texted. We liked a lot of the same things, had good conversations, and he made me laugh. But it didn’t take long to find out that a relationship with God wasn’t even on his radar. All my ideas and hopes of leading him to Jesus weren’t realistic. He didn’t want to talk about church or Jesus, and conversations always turned uncomfortable every time I mentioned either. No amount of flirting made Jesus more desirable to him. Sure, he could have provided me with every luxury in this world — except the one thing that held the most value to me.
Ultimately, the status of his heart was a deal breaker, and I had to walk away. But I do get it. I get the desire to build a relationship, to keep telling yourself that it doesn’t truly matter if the other person isn’t a believer because everyone is on their own journey: who’s to say that one day he or she won’t accept Christ?
Or to allow yourself to believe that you can continue to build your own relationship with God while you build your relationship with him or her: it doesn’t matter if they don’t believe; it won’t cause me to fall away. Consider the fact that God took six days to create the intricacies of the world around us. Yet the Bible records thousands of years of narrative to cover the ups and downs of relationships. This tells us two things: one, that relationships are hard; and two, that God knows it.
While there may be a lot of reasons or contributing factors as to why a Christian would make the choice to be in a romantic relationship with a non-Christian, I don’t believe that it is simply a relational issue. It’s a complex spiritual issue that requires some self-reflection and honesty. If your heart is truly, genuinely, passionately in pursuit of Christ on a daily basis, then a non-believer — no matter how kind and caring and wonderful they are — can never truly know you. If your identity is in Christ alone, then your life will automatically come into conflict with your non-believing girlfriend or boyfriend.
As it should. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Those we build our lives around, the people who are closest to us, are the ones who can either help bring us close to God, or pull us farther away.
It's what Paul was referring to in 2 Corinthians 6:14 when he said, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?" Trust that God’s plan is perfect and complete. Psalm 9:10 says, “Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.” I know that this seems so easy to say. Especially when you watch every one of your friends get married or start a family.
Or when you’re invited out with the couples so you can watch the kids. Or when the only thing that people ask you about is your relationship status (even though you’re convinced that if it had changed, you would make sure the whole world would know about it).
The truth is, God has more for you. Worshipping the idea of marriage in place of our Creator places an expectation on that relationship to fulfill the deepest need in our hearts — which can only be filled by one person: Jesus.
Our humanity all too often gets in the way of our relationship with Christ and His purpose and plan for our life. Our desires over His, our will over His: it's not a frivolous idea, but rather one that we are completely unable to fight through on our own. Which is where the Holy Spirit comes in. 1 John 3:20 says, “God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.” Our inability to succeed in giving over our heart’s desires to God is not a surprise to Him. He knows.
He cares. But in His love, He also knows better than us. And while I don’t claim to be an expert on the subject, I do know that a heart truly submitted to God desires His heart first and trusts that His love will fulfill all other unmet desires.
I don't know how much longer I will be single, but after trying to take things into my own hands, I now truly believe that whatever He’s got in store is worth fighting for. We want you to know that you don't have to journey alone. If you need prayer or a listening ear about the struggles in your dating life, we have confidential and free mentors ready to help!
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Christian Single Moms and Dating (Advice for Single Moms and Guys Considering Dating a Single Mom)