College roommates are sensitive to their roommates’ distress but tend to underestimate the level of distress being experienced by others, finds a newly published study from New York University psychology researchers. The work, which appears in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, suggests that roommates’ perception of each other’s distress could be useful for monitoring the mental health of college students, but there are ways that students could be trained to be more accurate. “Although college is an exciting time, many students feel academic and social pressure, and this c .
Having never done it, I can't tell you what it is like to be the person dating a psychologist. However, as someone who studied both sociology and psychology, I can sort of tell you what it's like to date me.
• She'll probably almost always be analyzing you. But don't let that bother you too much. She does it to everyone, she can't help it. People who make a career out of studying people usually come by it naturally anyway. Couple that with her training, it's just basically impossible to turn it off. The good news is, she's probably learned how to use it for good and not for evil in her personal relationships. If anything this ability to know you so well will only help the two of you.
Her training is not only in studying people but helping people, so she'll be able to use what she knows about you to help improve situations (she'll know the best ways to approach you to avoid fights; whether or not she chooses to use that knowledge all the time is another story). • Free counseling. You'll be able to talk to her about all your problems, and she'll actually have very good, professional quality advice to give you.
• She's probably very caring. Most people in this field genuinely care about others to the point that they want to make a career of it. She's probably very empathetic and will always make you feel like your problems and successes truly matter. • There may be some underlying cynicism. When you study people all the time, and more often the bad than the good. It makes you look at things a little differently, especially if she's a practicing therapist. Hearing people complain about their problems all day would certainly wear thin on a lot of people.
At best, she probably has a more realistic view on the world versus an idealistic one. At worst she's a bit of a pessimist. • You may very well end up being "predictable" to her. But this isn't necessarily a bad thing. This happens in all serious relationships to some extent - the more you get to know your partner, the more you predict their behavior given certain situations.
Just because she knows how you're going to react, doesn't mean you can't still keep her intrigued in other ways. The best part of any relationship is learning more about a person. She'll love to keep getting to know you long after she's got you "all figured out". In fact, the more she learns, the more little pieces of the puzzle will come together. • You'll end up learning some tricks of the trade.
If you guys have a good intellectual relationship, she'll end up sharing all sorts of interesting, fun, and often useful facts regarding her expertise.
• *Hopefully* she's more self-aware than the average person. It's a lot harder to avoid introspection when you're constantly analyzing people. Eventually you look deeply into yourself and can see all too clearly your strengths and flaws. This doesn't guarantee she's any better than the average person at managing them, but it does improve her chances. It also means she's more likely to admit to them when they do surface. I dated and then married a psychology student after she obtained her degree.
It turned into hell for me because once I realized that I was being "tricked" my natural love for her left because of my disdain for authority figures. I figured out her "games" and long story short we ended up getting a divorce. She was not as smart as she thought but I also wasn't as mature as I thought. Fast forward 3 years and I am married now to a nursing student who decided to change her major to psychology. I wasn't alarmed because this woman has her head on straight, can discuss and elaborate her feelings and is generally smarter.
Yet I see old problems from my previous relationship start to emerge. This time I go along with it but it's beginning to feel like manipulation again. Her "games" are a lot tougher on me emotionally. I feel like everything I do is labeled (diagnosed) and like my previous wife she has cheated on me because she says I'm emotionally unavailable.
I'm also told by her I am emotionally abusive which I believe stems from me not following her protocol. I express how I feel and like wife #1 I'm told from what I say how I really feel and what I really mean.
It's like I'm not heard because what is taught in school supersedes what I express. I shut down more often because I have no voice. If I take blame, even for her cheating I am the victim. If I place blame elsewhere I'm not accepting responsibility. It is a very slippery slope and no matter how I approach it I lose.
It's almost as if the opposite of what I say is her answer and I can't "win". Even when I say I can't win I'm told I'm trying to win an argument as a debate and it's about understanding and not winning. It is physically and emotionally killing me again.
I consider myself pretty sharp witted and that's what drew them towards me yet there is a need to control me for their purposes. Bottom line I'm too nice. They have both told me what type of girl I should have yet when we have broken up both can't seem to find someone as mentally stimulating as I am and don't/didn't want to let me go. Bottom line I find them insane in a way like a controlled demolition.
Oxymoronish-like. I wholeheartedly disagree with . When I started the study psychology, we were explicitly warned about using our knowledge in our private lives. And told it is unethical. Depending on which field of psychology she is studying, psychology is rather a broad subject, she has, or develops, abilities like communication strategies, and therapeutic strategies and so on. But she is not clairvoyant, and very human.
It is actually not in het interest to approach as a subject for study, testing or practice everything she learned on. She most certainly will not uncover dark secrets, at least not as a psychologist she might as your your girlfriend though but then you tell them yourself, or get to find you predictable, again not as a psychologist but she might as a girlfriend.
And being predictable is not always a bad thing by the way. I understand your qualms, but talk to her about it, she can put your mind at ease way better than I can do that. Your presumptions are a widely held belief about psychologists, but we are usually a good bunch.
I've never dated a psychologist, but i happen to be a psychologist and i have a boyfriend - we are together for 7 years now, and we met in high school, before i got into psychology. I'm not analyzing him all the time, i guess over analyzing can take away some of the magic, and it gets boring.
But i do have an accurated perception, and i do realize things some people doesn't. I frequently do want to talk in an assertive way about aspects of the relationship. My boyfriend has now a good perception of people, and he pays attention to behaviour differently than he used to before i am a psychologist. And yes, i do know when he's lying. And a pay attention to every conversation nearby: in the elevator, queuing in the market.
i pay attention to details like: the neighboor bought a new car, that woman has different socks etc. My boyfriend usually dislikes this kind of things. I also talk to everyone, anywhere about anything really easily. Apart from all that, i'm human, i have feelings, i'm not a robot programmed to foresee what you'll do, i'm nothing like a superhero with a superperception.
sorry for my english, it's been a while since i dropped english classes :(
best dating a psychology student roommate - The Best Study Methods for Psychology Students
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Tell us a little about yourself to get started.
I’m [29 F]. My best friend (and roommate) [34 F]started dating a man [32 M] that I had a crush on. He is also a good mutual friend of both me and my roommate.
Before they were dating, I had decided for my own reasons not to ask him out or make a move because I don’t think it would be a good fit long term with him.
I thought I had gotten over my crush feelings for him. Then he asked my best friend (and roommate) out on a date. She knew I had a crush on him and asked me if it was okay that she started to date him. I said I thought it would be okay with me. But then I saw them together and felt terrible pain, sadness, loss, and rejection. She has been spending more time with him and I miss my close friendship with her.
Now, we still have a friendship, but it is more distant. He was also a close friend in a mutual group of friends we share (about ten of us total in the group of mutual friends). A week after they started dating I told him I had had a crush on him and it is hard for me to see them together. I wanted to share this to have open communication since we are all in a group of mutual friends.
So now the three of us are all aware of my feelings and that this is a tricky situation. (The other seven friends don’t know but might be able to guess, because I haven’t been hanging out with the larger group if I know both my roommate and this guy are going to be there together). Both she and he have been understanding up to this point.
They have not been hanging out at the house my rommmate and I share - they always go to his house and I’ve only been spending time with each of them individually. It’s been one month now they’ve been dating, and I’m still not comfortable seeing them together. I saw them together yesterday and burst into tears in front of both of them.
She wants to start bringing him over to the house for dates. She and I talked about it last night what we should do to solve this situation. I’m okay with them dating, and even happy for them, (because I think they are a good match, and there is probably another man who exists that compliments me better) but I don’t want it rubbed in my face and I just want distance to finish healing and getting over him while mourning the loss of depth of friendship with my closest friend.
But getting this distance is hard since I live with her. She asked me for a timeline - she thought a month would be enough time for me to get comfortable having him over at the house seeing them together. I told her maybe three additional months would give me enough time (so four months total). She isn’t happy with this timeline as she feels restricted if he can’t come over to the house. I don’t know what to do. I want to ask my roommate to not bring him over for an additional 3 months.
What's the most reasonable way I can go about this?" Please note - the method you chose for reposting this question will risk you losing your ability to post questions here if repeated.
Please do not do this again. If you have immediate need of help, you are in the wrong place. In future, fix your question and wait for it to be reopened rather than reposting it. – Jan 5 at 19:14 • Is moving to another apartment an option? I'm aware it's not an IPS solution, but it surely beats seeing them together in your home. Personally, I understand how it feels to see the person you have a crush on with someone else, even with a friend.
It hurts like hell and it only gets worse. So if it were me, I would've moved to another room/house and seen them only individually or kept myself together when hanging out with a group of friends - it should be easier with other people around.
Otherwise, asking a couple to stay away from her home sounds a bit unreasonable and "too much". – Jan 9 at 9:31 I would try to talk to them both, perhaps not in the way you're thinking.
That's for several reasons. There is a good bond and trust between all three of you, and the difficulty is that your emotions are stronger than you realised they would be, even though you're happy for them.
Stand on their side of things, especially his side of it. They may be unsure what you feel, and/or if you resent them - and even if she is fine, its very unclear whether he has the same understanding of what's going on. If you can be open with them both - and it doesn't have to be a big deal to talk about it - then you can make sure he understands how you feel, and what your request is about, and that its about finding ways to handle the emotions, and not resentment or jealousy or trying to undermine your female friend in a competitive or passive-aggressive way.
Make sure you're clear about your real feelings, exactly as you wrote above, and that you want them to understand you are happy for them but need to find a way to get past the emotions of it, and the fear that you'll lose 2 friends not just 1 over time (a common fear).
Then tell them you can't figure what to do alone, and wanted to ask ( not "tell") them what's best to do. I have sympathy for your situation.
I can well remember from my own time living with friends how overwhelming such situations can be. Things that affect you in your home, where you want to feel safe and secure can be the most unsettling. That said, I think you should consider that you are asking for the most reasonable way to make an unreasonable request. There are ways that you can make the request more reasonable, but ultimately it is not sustainable for you to seek to control your friend’s life in this way for any extended period and you can only achieve this with her co-operation.
She has said that she is willing to change her life for a period to help you. That is extraordinarily generous of her. At a time when she wants to be enjoying her new relationship she is still worried about your feelings and willing to go out of her way not to hurt you.
She is being a good friend to you, so this is an opportunity for you to be the best friend you can be to her, her partner and to yourself.
Think about what you are asking. Really think. The month she suggested plus another three: that’s seventeen weeks, a hundred and twenty days… what are you going to do with that time?
What can you do in 120 days that you can’t do in 30? Time is mostly useful for forgetting, but you won’t forget because every day the time until she is back will get shorter. One of the things you can do with 120 days is spend them building up in your mind how terrible it is going to be when ‘your time is up’, four months is a long time to build something up into a terror it needn’t be.
120 days is a long time to expect a friendship to survive on starvation rations. How will you feed and nourish your relationship with your friends over that time? 17 weeks is a long time to keep a friend from enjoying her own home. 17 weeks is a lot of time to push your friend away for.
120 days is a lot of time to feel lonely in. If you feel you really must do this, I suggest that you bring a whole load of accommodations that you are willing to make when you ask for this huge thing. Practical things: Don’t make all the inconvenience theirs, make most of it yours. • She pays, I assume, for her share of your home.
Be prepared to compensate her for her reduced access to her home. Pay some of her rent, her share of the utilities. • Be prepared to make yourself scarce some of the time. Go visit family, book yourself a B&B for a weekend, sign up for a class that means you are out for a regular period each week.
Busy yourself doing things, don’t just be ‘not at your home’ be doing something you enjoy and are engaged with and if that doesn’t seem possible at first; fake it ‘til you make it. • Don’t try and hog or divide the friendship group. Don’t use their shoulders to cry on. What can anyone do? They are together, you and he aren’t. Don’t make it awkward for everyone. And if that seems tough; fake it ‘til you make it.
• Be prepared to work on yourself. I am not a counsellor, physiatrist or anything else, but it seems to me that your reaction is disproportionate and perhaps unhealthy. Maybe you are sad about other things, maybe you have concerns that counselling or something could help with.
I suggest that you be prepared to explore that with your healthcare provider, or whatever avenue is available to you. Don’t fake that. Expecting other people to stay away from their home because you can’t deal is inherently not reasonable and in my view you need to get yourself to a mental space where you can see that and handle it.
I’ve not been in exactly your situation, but close enough that I can remember how inescapable it all felt. I actually asked someone to delay starting a relationship with someone else because of my feelings. It wasn’t reasonable and in retrospect I’m glad they declined to accommodate me.
I moved out of the house, got some counselling and moved on. I don't say that this should be your solution (my situation didn't involve best friends in the same way so the stakes were different, perhaps lower), but it is something you should be prepared to consider if you really don't think you can endure the current living arrangement. I’ll leave you with this thought: Be reaslistic: • Four months of this is really likely to permanently damage your friendship.
It might survive better if you take yourself out of the shared home voluntarily rather than pushing your friend away. • In the end you are the boss of you, and only of you. Try taking an active role in coming to terms with their relationship, don't wait to feel better; determine to feel better.
• Four months of this might be really, really bad for your mental health. Look into getting professional assistance, four months dwelling on this is bad news. This answer is spot on. I would take less words: @Seb693 You need to take a good look at your own behavior, especially where your words do not correspond with your actions: I don’t think it would be a good fit long term versus dragging this out. I said I thought it would be okay with me: note the 'I thought' where you try to avoid a straight answer.
You are out-of-integrity here and need to clean up the negative things you are putting into the relationships. – Mar 19 at 13:25 • I don't know if you can ask that she not bring her boyfriend over for 3 months in a way that would be considered reasonable. On the one hand it is your space, but on the other it is her space too. Perhaps, you can ask her for a different compromise such as: not bringing him over for 1 month, then only having him over once a week for the second month, and then only having him over twice a week for the third month.
While it is normal to need some space to sort ourselves out, if you really want to over come something your usually have to face it head on in the end. Incremental steps are a good way to practice facing a hard situation. For example when a psychologist treats some one with she/he does so by getting their clients to voluntarily get closer and closer to the place they fear, until they learn how to cope with that fear courageously, so that it no longer interferes with their lives.
Hopefully your friend will be more amenable to a compromise of incrementally bringing him over more often. Good luck. I want to ask my roommate to not bring him over for an additional 3 months. What's the most reasonable way I can go about this?
Asking for this in and of itself is not reasonable, however your question is not asking for a reasonable way, just the most reasonable. For this I suggest you try and calmly articulate how you feel and why you feel this is necessary to your friend and then listen to her response. Keep in mind it is fine to ask a friend for something unreasonable, but to demand it is incredibly rude, so if she says that you are asking for too much then unless you want to ruin your friendship I suggest you accept her response.
After all, even agreeing to one month is very giving of her. She asked your permission, you said yes and then you confessed to him one week into their relationship. - You are lucky that your friend is not super upset with you about this, it can quite easily be interpreted as you trying to sabotage their relationship out of jealousy.
Did you do this openly and with your friends permission? After all, she asked your permission to go on a date and you only had a crush on him...
they were actually going out. mourning the loss of depth of friendship with my closest friend I would like to comment on this. It may be presumptuous but it seems as though this fact has less to do with their dating life and more to do with you and your inability to deal with it.
You said "but I don’t want it rubbed in my face" however I would argue that your friend has been doing quite the opposite. She has been going out of her way to cater to you by not bringing her SO over for over a month. It is very common and natural to want to spend time with your SO, if you are feeling a loss of depth with your closest friend, then logically that would be because you refuse to interact with her when she is with her boyfriend.
Although unfortunately self inflicted, I think this loss of depth is most certainly not beyond repair. It may be hard, and it contradicts your actual question (refer to the start of my answer for that) but I whole heartedly encourage you to accept and engage with every part of your friend, in this case - especially the part that has been dating this person for a few months and wants to spend time with them.
Her relationship is most likely a big part of her, and if every conversation about it ends up being around why it makes you uncomfortable then that will be a larger contribution to your growing apart than anything else. It is clear she still values you as a friend so I think working towards fixing that may be worth considering. Your request is entirely unreasonable. They have been understanding so far, build on that instead of burning the bridge. In psychology, exposure therapy works by gradually increasing exposure, not by isolation.
I strongly recommend rethinking your position. Some other answers already gave advise on details. Offer your roommate a compromise.
Instead of waiting for a month, allow her to bring him over immediately, if she agrees to have him over like a friend the first three weeks - no private time in her room, no intimacies in the house. The second three weeks, he can come as a boyfriend, but ask her that they don't engage in sex and he doesn't stay for the night.
The final three weeks, they can do whatever they want as long as they make an effort that you don't notice it. Something along those lines (adjusted for your triggers) can help you manage your emotions over time without fear of a sudden overexposure. You should also keep the apparently good and understanding communication between the three of you open.
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