In terms of dating an alcoholic, you at least know upfront that he has had a problem with alcohol and he’s taking steps to deal with it. That’s a good sign at least, but there’s still plenty you don’t know about him. You don’t know what triggers his drinking or what his follow-through is like in general I am all for seeing the best in people and believing that people can improve, but you said it yourself: You’re not sure if you would want to stick around if he relapses. Unfortunately, as with many addictions, not all recovery attempts have a happy ending attached. If you’re uncertain at this point whether or not you would want to be there in the worst case scenario, this might be a good point to decide against being in a relationship with him before things get deeper.
I Have been dating someone for a little over a month. He has told me a little bit of his past with drinking. He said that he was in an unhappy relationship with someone for over three years and had been drinking, one night he hit rock bottom and slept with someone else.
His relationship ended and he decided to get help through AA. The thing is he works in a bar.. AA asked him kindly to stop sharing stories with the rest of the group because they did not agree with him working in a bar.
At that time I think he shied away from it. Didnt drink for five months. then slowly he would have a beer here.. a beer there. but never ever more than three. He didn’t like the feeling of his face feeling hot. He also feels that he went to AA for preventive measures..
before it got even more out of hand. Then he meets me.. and its amazing between us.. and i know both of our feelings are invested.
I take him to a dinner party..its just us and another couple. He tells me he is not going to drink.. cool. I go in the fridge get him an ice tea.. I was told he wanted a glass of wine. The night progresses.. and I see him drinking more than a glass, I kindly hand him the tea and go out of my way to ask him if he would like some water.
That night we get to his house and he tells me he drank over what he feels comfortable with and never wants to do that again. The next day we discuss it again.. and thats when I get the full blown story of him being a recovering alcoholic. That day he decided to he needed to go to an AA meeting and his going to re-check himself.
I adore him but I felt that day… I was on pins and needles with him.. His mood changed. Up and down. He felt extremely guilty for that night at dinner..
to allowed himself to go that far.. and I have never been in this situation or even know how to deal with this. Help? I don’t want out. But I don’t know what to do.
I’m 29 and want a healthy relationship can this happen.. if so.. how? A. Of course a healthy relationship can happen. But it takes work on both your parts. Your boyfriend needs to decide once and for all that he is more invested in his relationship with you than his relationship with alcohol. Good intentions aren’t enough. He needs to take his recovery seriously. AA is a wonderful organization but it isn’t for everyone. If he isn’t getting enough support through AA, he should consider getting himself into with an addictions counselor or a psychologist.
Although most people couldn’t handle working in a bar and staying sober, there are people who do. If he is incredibly honest with himself, he might be one of those who can pull it off. That’s one of the many issues that he could work through with his therapist. For your part: You might find it helpful to take a look at the website for . Al-Anon is an organization for partners of recovering alcoholics.
Meetings provide support and practical help. If your boyfriend does get into therapy, you might ask to be included now and then to talk about how you can support his recovery and what changes he is willing to make to deserve your trust.
You’ve only been in this relationship for a month. It’s too early to decide whether he is the one for you. How he takes on the challenge of recovery will tell you a lot about his strength of character. If you see tremendous potential in the relationship (as it seems you do), give it a few months. You both have work to do if you want to give it a chance. Whether or not the relationship works out, participating in recovery work will teach you more about how to maintain your own boundaries and how to avoid being pulled into someone’s addictive behaviors.
I wish you both well. Dr. Marie
best dating a recovering alcoholic forum - The Dos and Don’ts of Dating a Recovering Addict
07-28-2006 I am currently in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. We started dating a year ago, and after about 6 months I felt pretty certain that he had alcohol abuse issues. I dealt with it for another 4 months, and then I couldn't take it any more. I went to al-anon, and coordinated an intervention. It actually worked. He has been working on his sobriety for about 2 months now. At first I was ecstatic that he was actually attending aa. But, I have realized I have some major trust issues from when he wasn't sober.
I was hurt, and never really had the chance to work on that. In addition, he has fallen off the wagon twice. It has made the trust non-existant. I am worn out completely. I feel like I don't have the strength to be supportive of his sobriety anymore.
For the first time in my life I feel completely justified in being selfish. I am hoping that someone can offer some advice or a book that would help me work through my trust issues, and the past pain I never took the time to deal with. 07-28-2006 Hello wildberry.My name is rhonda and I am a recovering alcoholic I have been sober from alcohol for 11 yrs now. I will say from the start that falling off the wagon as so many chose to put it is all a part of getting sober.It may take him several yrs to get sober.
It took me many. My addictions did not stop at alc. I had so many, men drugs etc.I can reccomend a book titled im dancing as fast as I can and a purpose driven life.You are not wrong for feeling or even being selfish my family had to do it for a lot of yrs.They saw me thru drug trts., and hospitals from suicide attempts to leaving for many months without notification.Thank god my family loves me and believes in me.
I still have days where I feel I do not belong and wish I were somewhere else... We must choose to trust our instincts in these matters. When I say trust ourselves I am saying go with your gut feeling it is almost always right,he may have months when he is sober and then he may have months being a total drunken fool who wishes the day after that he could take it all back if he is lucky and remembers the day before.I was a black out drinker I would drink for days and not remember them..
I would drink a few minutes and the next thing I knew it would be days later. I could be driving my car and drinking and find myself in places I could not rem. How I got there.Thank god I did not hurt anyone.When I say hurt I mean physisically hurt , emotionally my kids paid the price of my horrible other self.I hope and pray that you do not spend years trying to sober him up he must do this on his own.If you love him you must have no doubts about this love.You will have to be strong for both yourself and him it will take strength you yourself didnt know you had.You must look within your heart to do this.And be most of all honest when you ask yourself questions.All the best to you and him........
06-05-2009 I dated a woman who was a recovering alcholic for several months she went to aa meetings 4 or 5 times a week and was very regimented in her life. She had several outburst of anger toward me and I ended our relationship.
I felt bad but I didn't want to have to deal with it anymore I feel a little guilty but I didn't want to continue in an abusive relationship. She had been in several abusive relationships but I didn't know what to do. She will not talk to me at all now which is ok I see her every friday night so it is a little uncomfortable but probably best. she told me that she loved me and that I treated her better than anyone she had ever met.
It's hard. 02-08-2010 Hi, I just cried my eyes out for the pass two days... Unfortuntately the pain does not feel as bad as the first few times around. I fell in love with an alcoholic. He did not tell me that he had this problem, I confronted him. I lived in California when I met him. He resided in Vegas. We started our relationship where he was literally sweeping me off my feet with flowers, text messages, sweet cards, notes.. etc. He convinced me to move out to Vegas for our relationship.
I left my friends/family and career since we gotten engaged. Once I moved out, it was nothing but arguements one after another. I could relate and say that I am sick and tired of it and want to move on. Yet, my heart is in pain knowing that our relationship didn't last. For about 6 months, I went through all one could go through with an alcoholic...
the blame game, the yelling, the down-talking... and the lies. He told me he had cancer and I felt really sorry for him and wanted to be supportitve of him. Well... since he finally decided to attend AA meetings, things did not get better for our relationship. He gets angry and takes it out on me... but yet blames me for my "anger problem". Again, I stayed around... Through thick and thin right? Well, things were going great and out of the blue, he told me that he doesn't want a relationship any more.
He said that he's not attracted to me as a person anymore... that ripped my heart out. Time after time again I take this abuse and cry my eyes out. My friends think that I must be deseparte to put up with it... but you can't control who you fall in love with right? Well, I am not going to deal with his rollar coaster ride. I am moving out and moving on with my life...
I love him dearly but I love myself more. I could honestly say that we are better apart then we are together... 01-22-2011 Moving On....wow, your post struck a similar nerve with me and I felt tht needd to reach out. I had a 1+ year fairytale relationship with a recovered alcoholic (7 years sober). Things were so great that we got engaged and began planning a wedding.
Within about 3 months, anger bursts out of nowhere started to be a routine. My normal upbeat/communicative side tried to understand what/why there was so much rage/anger in daily common circumstances of life. Well, in November, we split, cancelled the wedding and it's also been a toll on my heart.
Love the man deeply, and his kids, and know that anger/rage is not a happy life....I have been reaching out to him (probably too much) with the hopes that he would seek anger-management and allow us to get back to a healthy place, but he has just shut-down and is holding onto "this is the way I have been and always will be".
Maybe I need to just let him find his own path of halp in life, but it is hard to lose someone I love over this awful dreadful disease and the impacts it has on him.
Whereever you are, you are giving me strength throught this very frustrating period of my life..... 12-29-2011 I met an awesome guy sober for 1.5 years. He has been very good to me very caring, warm and loving.
Regularly gave me compliments and seemed very physically attracted to me. We have sex quite often and probably 50% of the time he climaxes. When I voiced my concern he said its always been that way. But that he is very attracted to me. I wentare to anyou aa christmasmeeting party and he wantedcanceled me to go to a meeting (which I intended to do) We spent our first Christmas together first with my family he gave me a beautiful diamond necklace and was very generous with my kids.
We spent christmas day with his family my first time meeting them. They loved me and started making plans and including me. The next day he was a little quite. The next day I didn't hear from him until late .. usually we talk throughout the day. We made plans for dinner at home and he canceled at the last minute. He called me later and said he just left his sponsor and that he couldn't see me anymore. He said there wasn't a spark between us ... Im so confused I don't know how things changed overnight.
08-21-2013 Reading all of these experiences has really shed some light on my own life I've been married for 14 yrs this December will make 15 my husband is has been diagnosed as an alcoholic he's been in the hospital several times due to pancreatitis he's been sober for a little over a year now however all though the Dr's helped him physically mentally he's not right always angrey vendictive and he shuts down and don't talk to me for long periods of time and he refuses to go to AA meeting wich I think will help heal him mentally I would even be willing to go with him because at the point I'm ready to leave my mairrage the emotional abuse is too much 11-13-2014 i think so alcoholism is a chronic condition, dating and relationships should be conducted in the context of the individual's recovery, a personal and unique process.
People in programs such as Alcoholic Anonymous are encouraged not to date or otherwise pursue relationships until they have achieved one year of sobriety. 01-28-2015 I think many people overlook genetics as a key in addiction. There are some people who, genetically, are more susceptible to becoming addicted than others. I have many family members who easily became addicted to different things and I think genetics had something to do with it.
It's not the only reason but I think it did push the addiction along.Do you think you might need help with alcohol or drugs, we are pet friendly drug rehab.
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Advice If You're Dating or Married To Someone with Drug/Alcohol Issues