Asexuality. Asexual Relationships. Is it worth it to try using asexual dating sites? New AVENues Edition: Sex Ed. Help fund AVEN's servers!. I know AVEN already has a list of asexual dating sites. But I'm wondering if it's worth it. I am incredibly busy.
I'm 27, she's 21. I was her first in bed and I'm having troubles coming to terms with her having no sex drive at all. She says she never even thought about having sex and was disgusted by the thought of being intimate with a partner.
Thing is, I want and need sex as I need the feeling to be desired. She says she does, too, but in the 3 months we've been together she only initiated sex once while being sober (this is gonna be important afterwards). When we have sex (usually 2-3 times a week), it's alright but I always get the feeling that something is lacking. We've been talking about this even since before we got together and I was hoping she'd gain appetite after a while. Unfortunately, though, she doesn't.
She says that sex is alright for her and that she can have orgasms, but she doesn't feel the need to have sex with me. I try to understand her, as I've had a girlfriend who was almost the same as her, but I still get the feeling that she's somehow holding back. Sometimes I think she's not being honest with herself as I can't imagine anyone not having a sex drive but having some research I found that asexuality reality exists.
My problem now is coming to terms with that. We love each other and we have sex on a semi-regular basis but I'm still having doubts. My problem is, that I can't imagine a person not having a sex drive and I fear this is what could cause this relationship to end, which I really don't want to.
Everything besides the sex is pretty good and we can have a great time, but when I want more, I often feel she only has sex with me because she feels I want it. I don't know how to deal with that, though. We've been talking quite a bit about this and I feel it always comes down to her having sex with me because she's scared of losing me, if we don't do the deed. I must admit, that the situation is really frustrating to me, but I believe she's just as irritated as me.
Since I don't really know what I want to achieve with this thread (maybe some venting will prove to be enough) I would like to hear from some people who've had similar experiences. I'm trying to get used to her asexuality, but I think I could appreciate, if some people shared their experiences and could tell how live with an asexual partner. If she's drunk, however, she changes into a sex monster, but always getting her drink is not an option to me. This last point, however, makes this whole thing feel like she's holding back her desires and if that's the case, I'm wondering why she does.
TL; DR: My girlfriend is asexual, I'm sexually active. Are there any arrangements one can make, to make this whole thing work? well, do you want to have this battle of wills five years down the line? are you ok not having sex with her and is she ok with you seeking sex elsewhere? if no to any of the above, end it. it doesn't even sound like you're living together, and the whole 'she gets drunk and horny' thing gives me bad vibes. Talk to her about it.
here's a couple of options: 1. open relationship. try to consider it dispassionately without involving cultural stigma. 2. just be really good friends. in my opinion, this is what relationships are minus the sex any how. edit: also yeah, an asexual person would rather never have sex ever. From the sounds of it she's willing to have sex with you, but you just find it problematic to accept that she has no desire for sex?
If you do want to make this relationship work just accept who she is. She is willing to accommodate you despite it not being her preference and you should accept that part of her as well. It may just be that your sex drives will always be different. However if you are worried consider visiting a couples therapist both together and alone. Sometimes this can help if there is something else bothering her like self esteem or personal image issues.
Alternatively it will let you work out whether or not this is something you can deal with. She also may feel more open when see ages a bit. Is she on a birth control pill or shot? I think that can also have an effect of sex drive. Edit: Ok somehow I missed the drunk part.
I really think therapy may be the best option. Two things come immediately to mind that you might want to explore. Not trying to make any value judgements/imply anything about her or your relationship, they're just scenarios that could possibly be in play. a) Has she seen a doctor or therapist about this? This isn't really normal, especially if she's been experiencing this apathy since she was a teenager.
b) Could she be missing/repressing a part of her sexuality? One of the writers for Orange is the New Black wrote an interesting article about realizing that she, a woman happily married to a guy, was actually sexually attracted to women over the course of writing for the show, and how that (very belated) realization impacted her life.
Whatever's going on, though, her viewing the sex as transactional is not going to be healthy for the relationship in the long-term, and is definitely something you both need to get in front of. Sounds like she likes sex, just not sex with you. Have you looked internally that the issue could be you, since you said that you had another girlfriend with the same problem? Maybe learn different ways to try to make her orgasm. If you can't tell when she is orgasming, most likely you aren't giving her an orgasm.
It sounds more like she has intensely repressed sexual feelings, given that drinking alcohol completely changes her behavior. Alcohol helps give your brain the mental excuse to engage in behavior that you might otherwise consider wrong, as you convince yourself you're no longer in control of your behavior so you're not really to blame when you do it.
Was she perhaps raised in an extremely religious household? Or in a state/region where a woman being actively sexual is considered wrong? She may be so out of tune with her own feelings that she considers herself asexual because she doesn't usually notice or want to admit the feelings are there. I think you should talk to her point blank about how her behavior changes when she drinks.
Have a real heart to heart and try to figure out if she's struggling with shame or embarrassment about being sexual. This may not be something you can accomplish on your own, it might be helpful for her to see a therapist about it if its truly something along these lines. ED: And as others have mentioned, sometimes there can be physical or hormonal problems underlying it.
Certain types of birth control can have a huge impact, so it's not out of the question that this might be a medical problem somehow. I guess it could for someone. It couldn't with me. My wife's sex drive fell BAD when she got on the IUD. We had no idea why for a while too. It was a major problem too because prior to the IUD, she had a bigger drive than I did.
I ended out feeling unwanted, unattractive, undesired ... We fought more. Resentment started to creep in ... We finally put two and two together and got rid of the IUD and things got better and normalized. Sex should not be trivialized in a relationship. I have no idea how an asexual and a sexual person could coexist in a relationship. this is why i always base my relationships around everything, but sex.
if you can't feel connected to a person without sex then you are doing it wrong. well that's how i feel. btw i get laid once a month. it's the worst sex ever. jk i let her buttplay. as for you.. do you love her? can you handle it? if not move on. i think it's a shitty reason, but that's me.
i'm also asexual. You need to have a serious talk about this with her if you want any chance of recovering your sexual relationship. . Otherwise I'd say just keep her as a friend with benefits if that's really what you value.
This thread is going to get ugly soon so just try to talk things out before this thread gets murky.
Sex is just as important a detail in a relationship as anything else. Nothing wrong with having a low sex drive or a high sex drive so long as the partner is will to work with it. Honestly it just sounds like you two are incompatible in this regard. Though, sex 3 times a week doesn't sound terribly low. I thought you were talking about like once a month or something. If there's no passion in the bedroom though, fucking kick it up son.
Find that kink and it it still doesn't work and you've talked it out, then walk. If you aren't sexually satisfied and you've exhausted all options then I mean whatever. Shit happens, some people just run into walls. As others have said, she doesn't sound asexual. You said you have sex 2-3 times a week and she turns into a sex monster when drunk. That's not really how an asexual person would act from my understanding anyways.
I think there are deeper issues with her and expressing her sexuality perhaps. You should talk to her more about it or she should seek a therapist.
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If you have never heard of asexuality, I don’t blame you. The “A” in LGBTQIA is often mistaken for “ally,” a letter for all the straight allies to feel like they are part of the queer community, and once upon a time, it was an identity I used to pride myself in. But as the information age grew, so did I, and so did my feelings, my sense of self, and my identity. By age 20, I could label my sexuality for what it was—asexual, a person who has no sexual feelings or desires.
In the three years since then, I’ve learned a few things: Coming out as asexual is not a momentous occasion. It won’t make headlines in its radicalness, and I won’t be seen as “brave” for embracing my new identity.
However, this label has given me a new filter in how I perceive the world, especially in terms of dating. Having grown up with strict parents, I am a novice when it comes to dating in general, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want companionship and mutual attraction from a partner. However, in a heteronormative culture that is steeped with the belief that sex is a crucial part of all relationships, what are my chances of finding someone that would understand that I don’t have a sex drive?
Sexuality aside, there are other factors about my identity that cause people to form an immediate opinion of me. Although I’m Bangladeshi, many people assume that I am Indian, and I’m often seen as “exotic” due to my skin tone. As someone who’s read as “other” on dating apps, there was a connotation that I would be sexually promiscuous, further commodifying my body for male fantasies.
However, this created a really confusing paradox—if I am hypersexualized because of my gender and race, would I be seen as desexualized because I’m asexual? “In a heteronormative culture that is steeped with the belief that sex is a crucial part of all relationships, what were the chances of me finding someone that would understand that I don’t have a sex drive?” This is part of why I was hesitant to even try dating apps .
But with a friend’s encouragement, I signed up for a few. I was curious to see if a match was possible. The app that I was most drawn to was OkCupid. Unlike the others, it listed “asexuality” as an option under sexuality.
Over the next four months , I had interactions of all kinds. Here are the general categories most of them fell under. 1) Ignorance These stung the most. Guys messaged me with something along the lines of “You’re asexual? Then why are you on this app?” This only reinforced what I believed about sex being seen as the most important thing in relationships. These men could not fathom why I would be on the app if I didn’t want sex. When it came to interactions like these, it quickly became too exhausting to explain that I was still open to a romantic relationship.
I either didn’t bother to reply, or I gave a snarky answer along the lines of “There’s more to dating than sex.” 2) Curiosity and confusion Sometimes people compared my sexual orientation to celibacy.
I understood why some are confused, because on the surface they may look similar. In cases like these, I explained the difference with one line: Celibacy is a choice; my sexual orientation is not. It is a natural instinct, a feeling that is as much part of me as the hair on my head.
Sometimes they followed up with the question “Does this mean you only date other asexuals?” which is easy enough for me to answer (“no”). However, one user asked me the sticky question of “What if your partner is sexual and they need sex once in awhile?” It led me to question whether, in making sure my partner was satisfied, I would need to consider having an open or polyamorous relationship.
Another part of me wondered if I would get cheated on, because even though my partner might be understanding, their feelings toward being in a relationship with me (which would involve no sex) might change. These questions made me want to re-evaluate my own boundaries with dating, which is ultimately a good thing, but at certain times, it reminds me how isolating being an asexual can be.
3) Reasonable questions about marriage and children Another kind of response I got was “What about marriage?” This typically came from slightly older men. From a young age , I have never given much thought to marriage. I don’t have a wedding Pinterest board, and I don’t see that in my future for the next five years. So I told these guys: Even if I was married in the distant future, my partner would have to understand that there would be no sex and I don’t want kids.
If they can’t respect that, then I wouldn’t even consider them as a partner. 4) Aggression And then there were the overly aggressive men, who were oh-so-confident in their sexuality and saw my mine as a conquest, my “no” as a loophole to “yes,” and my attitude as something their machismo could challenge. I have had users absolutely convinced that their genitalia was the cure to my asexuality, that I was “too tight,” and therefore that’s why I never got any as an asexual.
These users often asked me for more personal things like my Snapchat name and demanded I give them pictures of my full body (Note: My profile only has three pictures, waist up).
These kind of messages were the most dehumanizing of all, because of all the things I posted on my profile, the only thing they focused on was my sexual orientation—which they saw as a joke.
While the four months I spent on OkCupid were mostly unsuccessful, there was one user who identified as demisexual, a suborientation under asexuality, who messaged me with just wanting to be friends (I replied but never heard back). There were others who took the time to get to know me and don’t see me being asexual as a big deal.
There was a potential match with someone of the same age, in my same city, who understood my sexuality. I met them once but, for other reasons, it didn’t work out. I also didn’t take the initiative to message anyone but rather let myself be pursued this first time out, because it felt important that I had the control to accept or reject their advances. And yet despite all this, I haven’t given up. I’m still on the app. I’m waiting to be surprised by someone can acknowledge my asexuality but doesn’t see it as an obstacle.
Hridi Das is an interdisciplinary Bangladeshi-Canadian millennial who is in denial that she is technically a legit adult. When she isn’t figuring out her future, she can be found teaching herself something new every day.
I Don't Want Sex: Asexual & Looking For Love