Эта группа создана для знакомства людей асексуальной и антисексуальной идентичности.
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best dating an asexual mansion - How to Understand Asexual People: 8 Steps (with Pictures)
Nov 12, 2016 Recently, I got married. Getting married was something I had come to realize I would never do because my asexual orientation and my queerness just didn’t carve a path for marriage.
I’m not interested in sex and really wasn’t all that interested in dating. I had made peace with all of that. The story of my life as a “straight but broken robot person” before I met my partner is for another time. Yet, here I am, recently married to a queer man who is NOT asexual and does like and want sex in our partnership. One of the unique difficulties asexual folks have is there are almost no models of relationships that include asexual people. Popular media is heteronormative and depictions of relationships almost completely revolve around sex.
Even gay and queer models for relationships include sex- usually a lot of it because we still hypersexualize queer people. Whether those models for relationships are healthy or not, asexual people are routinely excluded from hetero narratives AND queer narratives. So we ace (short for asexual) folks are never quite sure we’re doing this relationship thing right.
Those of us who have muddled through somehow and found ourselves in relationships often find ourselves partnered with sexual people. So how do we make that work? While I don’t desire or need sex myself, my partner does. Finding a way to have occasional, consensual, safe, and healthy sex is important to our relationship. Recently, while speaking to another ace friend struggling herself, this is the list of tips I offered her based on what I’ve learned.
I’m not prescribing this for anyone, I’m merely offering it as one model since we have so few. • I’ve worked hard to become precise about the language regarding my (a)sexuality. Some people who identify as asexual (or one of the other identities under the asexual umbrella) can develop sexual arousal for their partners after strong emotional connections and some are completely repulsed by the idea of sex at all. For me, I think of this as different “levels” from oblivious and indifferent to sex all the way up to repulsed by it.
I experience all of these levels and the levels change day to day. Being able to clearly tell my partner where I’m at any given day or night reduces my stress and guilt about turning down sex when I need to and saying yes to sex when I can.
• Based on these levels I’ve identified, I assess what kind of sexual activities I am willing or not willing to do with my partner and then communicate them in advance. Today I might be willing to get him off but not want him to touch me, other days I can manage a brief make out session, where many days I don’t want any sexual contact of any kind. Communicating this before we start engaging in sexual activity helps me reduce during-sex stress and sets clear boundaries for my partner.
Historically, before I had the language of asexuality, even if I wanted to make out I would become so anxious thinking my partner would expect more once we started, I couldn’t even enjoy the first kiss. Now, with a clear end point defined, I am able to ease some of that stress and better connect with my partner. • I’ve asked my partner to communicate directly and in advance when he would like to have sex.
If it were up to me we’d never have sex because it would never occur to me. If he doesn’t ask, we definitely aren’t having sex. But if he asks to have sex like right now? That usually results in me becoming frozen by stress, anxiety, and indecision as I weigh my guilt from saying no against my level of aversion. Sometimes my partner will ask me as much as a day in advance giving me time to mentally prepare.
When I do decide I can have sex, I focus on the fact that this is one way I show love to my partner even if I don’t personally get much out of it. Showing my partner love in this way (when it’s safe and possible for me to do so) is good for him physically/sexually and good for me emotionally.
• When I can’t or don’t want to have sex we don’t. This should be a so-obvious-it-doesn’t-need-to-be-said kind of thing but rape culture is still a thing even within relationships.
I say no when I can’t. I sometimes still feel bad when I say no, but I do not do sex out of guilt. And luckily, I have an amazing, supportive partner who does not push it. When I can’t have sex, we focus on other types of physical affection and intimacy. This connection and vulnerability strengthens and grows our relationship.
It is only because I can be vulnerable with this man that I can have sex at all. These tips aren’t rocket science. But they also weren’t easy to figure out right away. It took us a lot of time and tears to figure out a way through. Without any models to show us what our relationship should and could look like, we had to make our own.
If you think you might be asexual, are asexual and need support, or don’t know what asexual means, you can head to where the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) has definitions, frequently asked questions, and safe, supportive message boards.
You can also reach out to me directly on Twitter .
Asexuality— "a lack of sexual attraction to others or lack of interest in sex"—used to be a pretty obscure orientation, but it's recently become better understood, thanks to some accurate and warm pop culture portrayals. Just last year Netflix affectingly portrayed asexual character, Todd Chavez (voiced by Aaron Paul), on BoJack Horseman, and in 2014 Sirens—a show about EMTs in Chicago on the USA Network—included an asexual character, tackling the tricky topic of how an asexual person has a successful relationship with a sexual person.
For Beth Damiano, a 28-year-old actress who lives in Los Angeles, greater awareness means greater acceptance, both in her community and when it comes to understanding her own sexuality. “The growing acknowledgment that asexuality exists is such a good thing,” she tells Glamour. “I spent years and years thinking that maybe I was just wired wrong, but now I realize I’m just wired a little differently, but I'm not wrong.” Damiano is one among the estimated one percent of the population—that’s 75 million people in the world—who self-identify as asexual.
The Florida native first came out as bisexual in her teens because she’s romantically inclined toward both genders, but the act of sex always left her lukewarm. “It wasn't terrible," she says. "It didn't hurt or make me feel bad. It was just kind of, like, meh.” After joining , a support group for fellow asexuals (or "aces," as they refer to themselves) and learning about the asexual spectrum, Damiano realized she’s a “biromantic, gray-asexual.” That means she’s capable of falling in love with both sexes, but rarely feels a sexual tug toward another.
“I don't feel sexual attraction for 99.9 percent of the world,” she says. We asked her about how dating works for people who identify as gray-asexual, what the spectrum of asexuality really looks like, and what it's like to be an ace in today's world: Glamour: Did you realize you were asexual in your youth or did you come to that realization later?
Beth Damiano: Oh, I'm one of the late bloomers. I was probably 22 when one of my dear friends told me she was asexual, which was the first time I had heard that term.
I got a crash course then, so I’ve known about asexuality for a while, and it kind of lingered in the back of my mind. I am definitely not aromantic on the romantic spectrum—I'm, like, overly romantic and would get crushes a lot. But when I would get into a relationship, I would love the kissing and the cuddling and going out on dates and holding hands and stuff, but I would never push for anything more.
If anything more showed up, I just kind of demurred. I just assumed that that was just me, that it was just, you know, “I don't think I'm ready for that.” As I got older and had more relationships, I started to realize that I don't want to have sex. I find the idea of it kind of messy. From everything that I'd seen in media and what I'd been told, that was the next step in a relationship.
I would have sex with a person and I just never understood why everyone was like, “Sex is so great!” Glamour: Would you say you were kind of indifferent toward it? BD: In the asexuality community, we describe people with the terms sex-positive, sex-repulsed, and sex-neutral.
And I'm sex-neutral. It's not the best thing in the world, but it's not like I think, No, never, never ever. It's just whatever. When I found out that there was an asexuality spectrum (on Tumblr of all places), I came across the term “gray-asexual,” which is someone who experiences sexual attraction but on a very, very rare basis.
Every once in a while, I’ll watch TV or go to the movies and see a really pretty actor or actress, and I would be like, “Oh, if I had to with you, that would be very interesting.” So when I found the term gray-asexual, that was my lightbulb moment. We’re excited that asexuality is getting more attention—like in an article like this—because that's going to reach more and more people.
And then more people might be able to say, “Wait, that sounds like me.” It took me until I was in my mid-twenties to even hear of the asexual spectrum, and the only reason I had heard of asexuality at all is because I knew somebody who was. Most people don't have that. Glamour: They just think something is wrong with them. BD: That is 100 percent correct. We have older members who have been married and divorced or who have always felt like there was something wrong with them, and then they find out about asexuality and they come to the group and meet us all and realize that this is an actual thing.
It's real and it's valid. It's not a problem with my hormones or my mental state—those are all misconceptions people have about asexuality. That is untrue. Glamour: Have you been in relationships since realizing you were asexual?
BD: I've been asked out a couple times since I figured out I was asexual, and usually when I tell them that I am asexual and that I don’t really want to have sex with them, they tend not to want to go out with me anymore. They assume that sex is the next logical step in the progression of a relationship, but that’s not how it works for me.
Glamour: Is it possible for an asexual person and a sexual person to be in a relationship? BD: Yes. Glamour: It's probably more difficult and complicated? BD: It requires that discussion of sexual preferences to come about sooner than it might in other relationships. Glamour: When you were younger—before you realized you were asexual—and you had sexual relationships and were neutral about it, did you internally think, That seems weird because this guy or this girl is really into this, but I'm not?
BD: The very first time I had sex with a guy, he was obviously enjoying himself and there was of course the evidence that comes with that, but I just didn't orgasm.
I have never orgasmed with another person. It didn't hurt, it wasn't painful, but it wasn't really wonderful or the sort of thing I can experience with my vibrator, so that was kind of my wake-up call. Another misconception people have about asexuality is that we might have had sex with people who were just really bad at it. I've had sex with at least four people at varying ages, which is a decent sample size, and it can’t be all them.
The common denominator is me. Glanour: What's your exact sexual identification? BD: I would say gray-asexual, bi-romantic. The one thing we hear again and again whenever we have new people come in for the first time is “I thought it was just me. I thought it was a problem with me. I thought I was broken because I don't operate quite the same way that society says I should.” They are always so excited, they just wanted to meet other asexual people to make sure we were real.
It's like, “Yes, we are! We are not in fact unicorns. Although the some of us have very interestingly colored hair!” Glamour: What's your answer to people who say you haven't met the right one yet? BD: It would be like saying to you, “Well, you just haven't met the right guy yet.” It's very dismissive, and it's annoying as heck.
It's making sex about the other person; it's making your enjoyment of sex contingent on someone else. Your sexuality does not change dependent on who you're with, because that's another thing I ran into being bi. It's like, “Oh, you're dating a girl. You're a lesbian.” And I’d say, “No, I'm bi.” Or, “You're dating a guy; you're straight.” “No. I am bi.” I am always bi—bi is a constant.
It's just the person I'm dating can be a variable, but asexuality is a constant. This article is part of , our 12-week long exploration of how women are having sex in 2017. More Summer of Sex: — — — ©2018 Condé Nast. All rights reserved. Use of and/or registration on any portion of this site constitutes acceptance of our (updated 5/25/18) and (updated 5/25/18). The material on this site may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, cached or otherwise used, except with the prior written permission of Condé Nast.