There are several great best man speech tips to boost your odds of success, says Dominic Bliss, wedding writer and author of Being the Best Man for Dummies. Study up on these helpful pointers below to minimize pre-speech jitters and ensure a smooth delivery. 1. Plan way ahead. Start writing a best man speech at least two months before the wedding, Bliss says. As the wedding nears, there are lots of events—suit fittings and a coed shower, perhaps—that could distract you from getting your writing done. 2. Grab their attention.
The Seven Deadly Mistakes to Avoid When Dating a Dutch Man Before telling you about the mistakes expats often make when dating a Dutch man, here’s a story about an incident in Amsterdam. A female friend and sometimes running partner of the Shallow Man was having a massage in a place in the Rivierenbuurt. She was behind a curtain, having a good massage when she heard a voice in English asking one of the staff, “what kind of massages do you provide here?” The staff member responded “pressure point massage.” The English voice asked, “what other kinds of massage?” To which the response was, “pressure point massage.” The inquisitive chap on the other side of the curtain pressed on.
“Do you do body to body massage?” the voice of the staff member was now getting louder, “we do normal massage.” The English voice pressed on and finally got to the point, “ At which point the response was “you dirty man, you get out now!” Which brings me to the subject of today’s post, seven deadly mistakes made when dating a Dutch man.
The Shallow Man has met many an expat lady that has been on dates with Dutch men that have not led to happy endings.
Several disappointed, international antelope, have asked me where they went wrong in their pursuit of the Dutch Lion. The Shallow Man, is, as always, sensitive to the needs of his expat flock. Therefore, at considerable risk to my bespoke tailored three-piece suit wearing self, I have put together a list of deadly mistakes to avoid when dating Dutch men.
My advice will no doubt upset some, and if I am captured by a posse of angry Dutch men with lion king hairstyles and am forced to sit through hours of music from Tiesto, Fedde La Grand and Armin van Buuren, I’ll look into the eyes of my enemies and shout, sodemieter op, jullie domme kakkers!
The things I do for my readers! Dating a Dutch Man, the Shallow Man’s Advice Dutch men, are probably the luckiest of their species on planet earth. I say this simply because, Dutch women, in spite of often dressing as if the Netherlands has a permanent power outage, and they can only choose what to wear in the dark, are amongst the most beautiful women that you’ll see anywhere in the world.
That in itself would be reason enough for every Dutch male to get down on their hands and knees and thank God, Buddha or Allah that they are lucky enough to be born here, but they have an even better reason to be blissfully happy. Dutch women are, in the opinion of the shallow man, the most predatory women on planet earth. The Dutch female selects the man she is interested in with the precision of a special forces sniper, aiming at a target. The Dutch female is often not particularly interested or fazed by the fact that their target could be married, in a relationship or even as the Shallow Man has witnessed with his own eyes, have their girlfriend present.
The Dutch ladies are relentless once they have set their sights on a target. This, in turn, has led to the Dutch male being one of the laziest when it comes to chasing women, as generally, they don’t really need to. The antelope calls the shots and the Lion simply needs to drink his biertjes and wait to be hunted. Because of this, expat women, often end up making the following deadly mistakes when dating a Dutch man.
Deadly Dating Mistake Number 1 Flirting. In many countries, it’s quite normal during the course of a date to flirt with each other. Dutch men, used as they are to having antelope served to them on a denim covered plate, have missed out on this vital part of human relations during their development to adulthood. Dutch women, are often very blunt in their intentions and don’t waste time with such things as flirting. If a woman flirts with a Dutch man the likely response will be “so are we going to your place or mine?” no starter, or main course just a sprint through to dessert.
Deadly Dating Mistake Number 2 The Shallow Man is risking a storm of abuse by bringing this up again, but, I’ve been told repeatedly by expat women, even as recently as yesterday (thank you Vittoria) that Dutch men are tighter than a virgin female flea. When out with a Dutch man on a first date, you could be having a lovely evening. He may even have made an attempt at flirting, romance is in the air, everything is looking promising until……….., the bill arrives.
The previously charming Dutchmen then breaks out into a cold sweat and looks at the bill, at you, at the bill, then at you again, and there is a silence so deep that you can hear the female mice in the cafe coughing.
(Due to smoking, they are Dutch after all). Do not under any circumstances expect . This is indeed a deadly mistake, if you are hoping to see your Dutch lion again, be a good antelope and suggest quickly that you’ll split the bill.
If you are hoping for a happy ending that night, pay the entire bill, he’ll be so overjoyed he might even propose marriage. The first love of some Dutch men Deadly Dating Mistake Number 3 Due to the Dutchman’s love of money, they will not be impressed if during your date that you order bottled water or even worse San Pellegrino, which is the Ferrari of bottled water and is not cheap. Your date will immediately assess you as being high maintenance, while he drinks his glass of tap water.
Relationship killer! Deadly Dating Mistake Number 4 The Dutch male is used to the fashion sense of the “doe maar gewoon” Dutch female. In other words, denim, shapeless boots, a top that clashes so badly with the rest of the outfit that you’d think Stevie Wonder was their personal stylist, and hair that would make a perfect nest for any passing bird. It’s a Friday night, I’ll do my hair like this If you, as an expat woman, turn up for your date, as is normal in most countries, in a nice outfit, stylishly cut shoes, makeup and styled hair, your Dutch date will have a minor heart attack.
He is likely to ask you what that stuff is on your face, and if you are planning to attend a wedding after the date. The shallow man advises that on the day of the date, that you put your TV on Nederland een, between 7 and 9 and watch Vandaag de Dag. Look at how poorly dressed the presenters of this show are and simply copy them. That is what passes for high fashion here.
Your date will love you and not fear for the money in his wallet. If you really want to make him feel comfortable, wash your hair prior to the date and don’t bother drying it, this drives the Dutch male crazy with passion.
Dress more like her for success The Shallow Man Would like to thank all of the ladies that were kind enough to share your tales of dating woe with me. Stevie Wonder was not hurt during the writing of this article. Subscribe to the Shallow Man on Until next time, hou je bek! Facebook is changing their newsfeed if you still want to see the in the future be sure to select Amsterdam Shallow Man as ‘see first’ in your newsfeed.
Also, don’t forget to join the Simon Woolcot Infamous blogger, annoyance and self-confessed Shallow Man. Simon is a British expat who has lived in Amsterdam since 2004. As well as writing this blog, Simon also has a YouTube channel of the same name, writes and directs videos and hosts seminars about life in the Netherlands. He also works as a content marketing and SEO specialist.
best dating dutch man speech - Funny Best Man Speeches
The is mere weeks away with Prince Harry confirming Prince William as his best man, returning the favour from his own nuptials in 2011. Accustomed as he is to giving speeches and working a room, it’s unlikely Wills needs much guidance, so here’s a foolproof guide to all the best men who need a helping hand.
Rex/Shutterstock Who are you? OK, so Prince William may not have to do this because he is pretty famous, but many best men forget to open with who they are and why they’re doing the speech.
Most guests will not have a clue who you are – you could be a waiter about to announce a mix-up with the gluten-free option for all they know. Don’t do it drunk One shot for Dutch courage will do if you’re struggling. Slurring your way through it will make everyone remember you, yes, but for the worst reasons.
Ditch the autocue Reading from a sheet of paper risks losing the personality in your voice and betraying your nerves thanks to shaky hands. Get something in your hand – cue cards maybe, not a – and glance at it rather than recite.
You’ll look more natural and nobody will mind if you break their gaze every now and again for a quick check. Read next • By David Levesley Read the room If a couple of miss the spot, don’t panic, and don’t mention just how badly you’re dying up there.
Repeatedly signposting that your gags are landing as smoothly as a hot air balloon touching down in a hurricane only reminds everyone how terminally unfunny you are. Watch their reactions and try a bit of improvisation to work in things that got a good reception. You don’t have to be funny all the time, either – it’s not an open-mic night.
Workshop your speech Don’t labour over this all by yourself. This is an honour, not a chore. Get information or favourite stories about the groom from other friends. This helps you present more than one side to him. You’ll also get an idea of some of the truly awful stuff people think appropriate for a best man’s speech. Consign bants to the bin. That said, don’t censor yourself too hard – there's nothing worse than a bland speech packed with plaudits and zero spice.
If in doubt, immediately disregard the most salacious and the most sensible and go for something in between. Go wide Remember this isn’t about you and your life – one of the worst speeches I ever witnessed was the bride’s father guiding us through an overlong autobiography in which his daughter was a mere appendix. However, it’s not just about the groom, either: if he’s a humourless drone and you’re desperate for anecdotes, take inspiration from current affairs or celebrity culture.
Just remember the grannies might not know who Gemma Collins is, though; keep those references A-list. Exes Avoid mentioning at all, especially if they’re still friends and actually at the wedding.
Plus it’s not the Seventies, so swerve sexism and using language like bunny boilers, psychoes and slappers to describe women who passed on the chance to be in the white dress today: you’ll lose the crowd immediately.
As far as the guests should be concerned, both bride and groom were hatched from an egg seconds before the ceremony and have never so much as touched another human intimately. Embarrassment is fine, utter humiliation maybe not Overall, your tone should be good-natured and positive – you’re painting a picture of the groom, not trying to ruin his life. The stories you tell are ones he should half expect to come up anyway. Avoid scatological humour; it’s a wedding, not the stag do.
Reminders of criminal activity are verboten unless it's from childhood, petty and victimless. Anything that happened on the stag weekend is not for here. Nobody cares how big his penis is except his wife and she very likely already knows. Also, this is probably not the time to talk about when you both went through the wrong door in a club in Berlin and only found your way out three weeks later.
Read next • By Angelo Mitakos and Eleanor Davies Compliments are compulsory It’s mildly sexist and absolutely ridiculous, but you’ll be expected to reiterate several times just how beautiful the bride and bridesmaids look. Please don’t use the word “stunning” unless they’re carrying taser guns in their bouquets, and express appreciation of their beauty as you would a striking painting, rather than a glamour model. Nobody cares if you “would”. Rex/Shutterstock Easy on the toasts One of the most annoying parts of any wedding speech is being asked to raise your glasses every two minutes in honour of all manner of stupid things.
Brides and bridesmaids, yes, fine, and dead relatives if you must, but Doug the chauffeur, the clergy, the speed-dating hostess who introduced them, the DJ playing at the club where they first kissed and Joanna Lumley can probably be left aside. Gay jokes It’s very popular, for some sad reason, for best men to suggest they’re in love with the groom or vice versa. This only works if you’re both gay, and even then it doesn’t actually work because the other groom will spend the rest of his big day wondering if you’ve actually done it and/or worrying you will tell everyone that in fact he’s the one who’s done it with you.
Anyway, jokes about bumming or homosexual longing – however dressed up in “bromance” or “man crush” or other depressingly heterosexual ways go trying to express affection – are an absolute no-no. Time limit Ten minutes is fine, honestly. You’re holding up the dancing and the waiting staff are always reluctant to work the room while speeches are going on – it’s usually their only opportunity for a quick cigarette or a vicious roasting of everyone’s outfits round the back of the marquee – so patience will be limited and glasses may well be empty.
Never go on longer than the . If you’re worried your speech is too long, skip all the in-jokes or pretend to faint after exactly eight minutes. Wrap it up The perfect best man’s speech is a balance of one-liners, the revelation of a couple of secrets and, best of all, a tear in the eye at the end. If you are emotionally stunted, then rounding off with “he’s like a brother to me”, thanking him for everything he’s done and a hearty double handshake (clutch your left hand over both your right hands) plus man-hug should get everyone dewy-eyed by the time you raise your glass for the final time.
Sponsored Links ∇ Clean Jokes to Work Into a Funny Best Man Speech You can write the speech yourself, alternatively, you can get a book of wedding speeches and then modify one. If you are going to make a best man's speech, then it must come from the heart.
1. A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?" Marriage - A Three Ring Circus When contemplating marriage, a man should always remember that there are three rings involved.
• The engagement ring. • The wedding ring. • Suffering. 2. Geoff had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that for years he called his wife, Anita, "Mother of Six," in spite of her regular objections.
One evening, in their retirement years, they go to a party. It is late and Geoff is ready to go home and wants to find out if Anita is ready to leave as well. Geoff bellows at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home, Mother of Six?' Anita, greatly irritated by Geoff's lack of discretion over so many years, yells back at him, 'Anytime you're ready, "Father of Four".' More Clean Groom Jokes for Your Wedding Speech 3.
I was at a wedding with a priest and a minister. When the waiter brought the drinks for the toast, the minister said, 'I'll have a large whisky.' The priest commented, 'No alcohol for me I'd rather go with a scarlet woman.' So the minister put his drink back and murmured, 'Sorry I didn't know there was a choice.' Now as the best man, I don't want to offend anyone so if there is a priest or a minister present I apologise, and if there is a scarlet woman here: I'll meet you in the bar in 10 minutes!
The Wedding MC Joke Book How even a nervous, first-time Wedding MC with no comedy experience can entertain and dazzle the wedding guests with 101 funny, clean, and 'field-tested' wedding jokes. 4. While enjoying a lunchtime pint in a Newcastle pub in the Scotswood Road, four elderly Geordies* were discussing everything from football, the economy, to the weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days." Eventually the conversation moved on to their wives.
One bloke turned to the guy on his right and asked, 'Eh, Alan, aren't you and your lass celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?' 'Sure, man, we are,' Alan replied.
'Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate, man?' another bloke asked. Alan pondered this for a moment, then replied, 'For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Hazel to Sunderland. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her back.' *Geordie - is a regional nickname for a person from the Tyneside [NE] region of England, or the name of the dialect of English spoken by these people.
5. Brian had asked Dave to help him out with cutting his rather large garden hedge after work, so Dave went straight over to Brian's home. When they got to the front door, Brian went straight up to his wife, gave her a big hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.
When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her excellent cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were cutting the privet, Dave told Brian that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Brian said that he' d started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Dave thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Dave was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, 'This is the worst day of my life. First, little Nigel fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!' Do practice your best man's speech until you can recite it naturally and without hesitation. To gain extra confidence find out precisely at what point during the reception you should give the speech.
Usually, it's after the bride groom's speech. 6. 'The thrill, the excitement is gone from my marriage,' George complains to his mate, Tony. 'Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?' suggests Tony naughtily. 'But what if my wife finds out?' frowns George. 'Lummee, George,' explains Tony, 'this is the 21st century we live in, mate.
Go ahead and tell her about it.' So George returns home and says, 'Poppet, I think an affair will bring us closer together.' 'Forget it,' replies his wife. 'I've tried that - it didn't work.' 7. Vicky, young single lady visits the local dating agency and explains, 'I'm looking for a husband. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?' The dating receptionist needs to find out some details so she asks, ' What are your requirements, please?' 'Well, let me see.' Vicky says, 'He needs to be fine looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing.
Willing accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hours, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.' The receptionist listens politely and carefully and responds, 'I understand.
You need a television.' 8. Robert, a businessman, boarded a plane to find sitting next to him, Irene, an elegant woman, wearing the largest most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. 'This is the Kroonstad diamond,' she said. 'It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.' 'What's the curse?' enquired Robert. 'Mr. Kroonstad, 'replied Irene. 9. At a wedding ceremony at which Father Brian Hamilton was officiating, he was seen to raise his hand in order to give the final blessing at the end of the service.
Louise, the bride, totally misunderstood this gesture and surprised the vicar with a high-five. Not wanting to exclude Mark, the groom, Father Brian also offered him a high-five.
Father Brian was eventually able to give the blessing, this time with the laughter of the guests ringing in his ears. The Most Popular Names for a Bridegroom: • David • James • Andrew • Richard • Mark • Paul • Matthew • Simon • Michael • Daniel The list was compiled by John Lewis in England October 2010. 10. 1st year - The husband says, 'Oh, darling, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the private hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest.
I know the food is good there, and I've already spoken to the Matron and the Hospital chef and I've paid the bill. 2nd year - 'Listen, sweetie, I don't like the sound of that cough. I've 'phoned the doctor and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go to bed and get the rest you need? I'll bring you something to eat when you're hungry.' 3rd year - 'Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest.
I'll bring you something ; do we have any canned soup around here anywhere?' 4th year - 'No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go straight to bed yourself.' 5th year - 'Why don't you take a couple aspirin?' 6th year - 'You ought to gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog.' 7th year - 'For Pete's sake, stop sneezing.
Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the supermarket.' Footnote: The above, was kindly sent by Solly, a regular reader, who also enjoys our . Please send us your funny groom wedding speech jokes. More Clean Jokes For a Best Mans Wedding Speech Funny Newspaper Wedding Snippets Printed in a newspaper - Rex and Pauline went to grammar school together and their marriage will stop a romance begun between them there. Printed in a newspaper - The marriage of Miss Hortensia Engels and Mr William Parkes, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake and we wish to correct it.
The Minister noticed the bride was in distress so asked what was wrong. She replied that she was awfully nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to remember 3 things. • First the aisle, cos that is what you'll be walking down.
• Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive. • Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service. While the bride was walking in step with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words... ... Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter him) If a man is in a forest talking to himself with no women around, is he still wrong?
Five Funny Best Man Wedding Speech Shorts • Nicky: I'm a man of few words. Mike: I'm married, too. • The five essential words for a good marriage: 'I apologize' and 'You are right.' • A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it does an equally good job of stopping circulation.
• If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way. • 'Congratulations my boy!' said the groom's uncle. 'I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.' 'But I'm not getting married until tomorrow.' Protested his nephew.
'I know,' replied the uncle, 'that's exactly what I mean'. Here is a Useful Best Man Rhyming Toast Reading this speech has put a lump in my throat, It's unlike me, I blame the beers, It's rare that I get emotional, But today even the cake's in tiers. Thank you for making me your best man today, It has truly filled me with pride, Ladies and gents please raise your glasses, To the Groom and beautiful Bride!
See more This explains the traditional order of the best man's speech in the wedding reception: . A good way to start is to welcome all the guests. He then usually talks fondly about his daughter. As with most speeches, it is accepted that a mixture of affectionate anecdote and humour generally works well. He then toasts the bride and groom. and replies on behalf of himself and his wife [in these modern times it should be remembered that more and more brides are making their own speeches*].
He aims to thank those people involved in helping them both in the planning of the wedding and distributes gifts to those who are to receive more than a verbal "thank you." The groom then may talk about his new wife before proposing a toast to the bridesmaids *If the bride is to make a speech it should take place following the groom's.
It may seem obvious, but joint speeches should be co-ordinated well beforehand since both will probably wish to say much the same thing. The best man's speech now follows. He thanks the bride and bridegroom on behalf of the bridesmaids and himself for asking them to be part of their special day and for the gifts they have received and then he reads out telegrams, cards, e-mails or other messages from friends and relatives who couldn't be at the wedding.
He will then go on to talk about the groom in what can be the highlight, or in some cases lowlight, of the wedding speeches. Humour and anecdote abound. Finally the best man should then propose a toast to the parents of the bride and bridegroom.
Best Man Wedding Speech Check List • Make sure your speech will appeal to a wide range of people, and do not offend any guests. • Does your speech include a few jokes while remaining charming? • Have you included thanks to everyone involved? • Consider writing down key points on cards. Even if you never use them they will give you confidence that you won't dry up. • Remember to finish your speech by toasting the bride and groom.
Footnotes: If you have any good best man wedding speech jokes, then please send them to us. Get your MC Wedding Joke book
Dating the Dutch! All the Dutch you need for dating in the Netherlands