On Valentine's Day, some singles may be inspired to step up their dating game. Going online could be their best bet. Amy Giberson, now 34, was reluctant to try internet dating again but she decided to give it one more shot in 2014. She downloaded the Match app and connected with Justin Pounders, also 34, almost immediately. The two decided to meet IRL (in real life) days later.
Last week, we sent out a survey to 70,000 guys on our mailing list, asking three simple questions about their dating lives. And the response we got was overwhelming. Hundreds of guys filled out the survey, sharing their biggest frustrations, obstacles and goals.
And the answers we got were inspiring, fascinating and gave us some great information we're going to use to give you guys better advice. Also, we were able to make an awesome word cloud out of the responses. Check it out. What is your biggest frustration in dating? This was the first question our survey asked, and the results taught us a lot about the real problems guys out there are facing.
As the responses started coming in, Derek and I read every single response. And we started to see patterns in the responses. Guys were responding over and over with the exact same problems. So we decided to organize all the responses into six categories - which we dubbed "The Six Frustrations". Each of these categories represents a frustration that thousands of guys all share. But before I start, I just want to say one thing that I thought was awesome. Out of the hundreds of guys who replied to this survey, nobody wrote anything negative about women.
And this is despite the fact that we were asking them to share their frustrations with us. Ok, I'll admit, there were a lot of guys who responded with things like “ Why do women have to be so confusing?” (see frustration #4 below). But out of 70,000 people, nobody replied with “women suck” or anything similar.
That reflects the kind of men who sign up for the Love Systems mailing list - guys who are interested in self improvement, with no excuses. In the rest of this blog post, I'm going to go over the six most common frustrations that men have with dating, and provide some insight and feedback into each one. We're also going to put together a Six Solutions email course that will address each of these frustrations in depth.
But let's get started - here area the Six Frustrations of the Single Man. Frustration #6 - It’s not you, it’s me. 14% of guys, when asked what their biggest frustration was with women, blamed themselves and their sticking points . These guys gave answers like (these are all real answers we got, by the way): “ I’m not frustrated with women - I’m frustrated with myself for holding myself back”. “ I play games instead of just putting myself out there”. “ I’m my own worst enemy - I always blurt out something I shouldn’t say and make the same mistakes over and over again.” Congrats to these guys for taking responsibility for their own actions and admitting their faults.
It’s only when you become aware of things like this that you can take control of your own life and fix your own problems. But even once you've recognized the mistakes you're making, sometimes it's still hard to change your behaviour. " Old habits die hard" as they say. These problems: where you know you're doing something wrong, but you keep doing it over and over again, we refer to as sticking points.
A sticking point is when you know what you need to do, but you just can't make yourself do it - you're stuck. The secret to eliminating sticking points is to figure out what is really making you do the things you do, and addressing the root source. I wrote a . Frustration #5 - Flaking 7% of our respondents wrote in that flaking was their biggest problem. These are guys who seem to have an easy enough time getting attraction and phone numbers from women. But when it comes to getting a date (or sometimes a second date) these guys somehow lose the girl.
These guys wrote in saying things like: “ I can attract girls and get numbers. But a lot of them are "too busy" to meet up with me.” “ I just can’t go from the phone number to the date, whether I meet a girl in a bar or online”. “ I can chat with women for ages online, but when it comes to meeting up, they change plans or cancel over and over”. Flaking is something that most guys start dealing with as soon as they learn to be assertive and ask for the phone number in the first place.
But, if you follow the right steps, you can cut flaking by at least 80%. First you want to understand why women flake - sometimes it's just that she's busy, other times it's because . Sometimes it's because you just didn't when you met.
But once you know where you're making a mistake, you can start working on a solution. Frustration #4 - Reading Women’s Signals Other guys were frustrated by the signals women give to men.
11% of guys gave answers like: I’m frustrated because I feel like I don’t understand the fundamental social programming that drives women and men to behave as they do. I have no idea when a woman is interested in me, and when she’s not. “ I often feel like women I’m interested in are playing ‘hard to get’, but I’m afraid to make a move in case I’m wrong.” Reading the signals that women give can be difficult, and it’s a common problem that guys face right when they’re starting out.
Understanding the signals women give can be hard. First it's hard because women often do give mixed signals - sometimes a tease is a test, sometime's it's actually disinterest. It's also hard because women legitimately change their mind about you pretty rapidly, depending on the vibe you give off. If you want to improve your skills at reading the signals women give, I suggest you start by understanding the theory of attraction - and why women sometimes give mixed signals - and then learn these .
I'm going to devote a future post entirely to the different signals you get from women and how to interpret them. Frustration #3 - Getting Attraction (and not losing it) 18% of our respondents wrote back that their biggest frustration was having difficulty creating or keeping attraction.
They described frustrations such as: I start off strong but I keep landing in the friend zone with women I like. I don’t know when to make a move or escalate. I can get into good conversations, and make women laugh, but it goes nowhere. I have good results when it comes to opening (and seem to get opened by women more than I'd expect). But taking it from a fun and flirty conversation to a make out or number never seems to happen.
Creating that initial spark with a woman is a huge challenge for a lot of guys, and equally difficult is keeping that spark alive. So it’s understandable that attraction would be a big issue for a huge number of our readers. For advice on understanding attraction, creating attraction, and keeping attraction going, check out . I also have a post on "How to Impress A Girl" that goes over some principles of attraction for beginners. Remember, keeping attraction going is often as hard as creating attraction in the first place, and many guys who say they "have trouble creating attraction" are actually getting attraction, and then losing it when they don't make a move.
Frustration #2 - Conversation Now we’re down to the two most common frustrations with women. Nearly a quarter (21%) of our respondents say that the toughest problem they face is conversation. These guys wrote in with things like: I get frustrated because I run out of things to say while trying to keep the conversation going.
I don't know how to converse with her in a way that makes her feel comfortable opening up to me. I see guys who women just like to be around and talk to them although not necessarily to sleep with them. I'd like to be like these guys. Keeping the conversation going is a skill that takes some time to develop, but it doesn’t have to be that hard. The first step is recognizing that you don’t have to be the most interesting guy ever to keep an interesting conversation (don’t psych yourself out).
The next step is using qualification to stop making the conversation all about you, and to get her to open up. If conversation is your problem, we will teach you how to turn the dynamic of the conversation around, and get her opening up to you. Frustration #1 - Approaching And the number one frustration that we heard of from our mailing list was - approaching and starting a conversation.
They wrote things like: I get frustrated because I don’t talk to women, because I don’t feel attractive enough to approach them. I want to approach but my mind goes blank, or overthink what I’m going to say to her. I get intimidated by beautiful women and think they don’t want to talk to anyone.
The approach is still that very first step of starting any sort of interaction with a woman, and it’s the place where a lot of guys get stuck. Approach anxiety is a problem we see every day at Love Systems, but it’s something that, with a bit of effort, every guy can get through.
This , but we could probably write an entire book just on approaching. The Next Step - The Six Solutions Now that we've identified the six most common frustrations that you guys have with women, we've decided we want to help you guys solve those problems.
That's why Derek and I are creating a six part email course, called the " Six Solutions" where we're going to go over each one of these problems in detail, and show you how to conquer them one by one. If you are already on the Love Systems Insider mailing list and submitted the survey, you don't need to do anything, but if you're new, you're going to need to fill out our simple three questions survey to get access to the Six Solutions email course.
We're going to be reading over every response to this survey and using the information to provide you with custom advice that is relevant to you. Rey April 24, 2017 Hi, i hope you are well… ive been having a bit of trouble and im looking to sign up by you guys for some help. ive been seeing this girl for 7 months now and she is gorgeous and smart and just overall my type, and a few days ago i told her im inlove with her and now she is acting weird on me, ive tried to keep my distance for a day now and not talk to her of send a text at all,,, do you experts maybe have some advice in helping me keep this girl and make her want me again so badly.
im desperate for help Michael Warren November 06, 2016 I must’ve missed something. When did the topic of rape enter the discussion? I, personally, don’t want anything not freely offered &freely given with participation. Having a woman sob as I am having sex with her is NOT a turn-on for me. Neither is conquest at all costs. I have never enjoyed sex with someone I didn’t like, Lord knows, I tried.
It was like teaching a fish to ride a bike or a rock to sing; wastes your time & annoys the rock. Thanks for trying to help us out guys. I came from the generation that was told that “no” actually meant “yes” & I know that fucked up a few of the brothers. “Treat a whore like a lady and a lady like a whore.” That one always killed me as men have always been the whores, in my opinion. Just saying, that’s all. LOL October 08, 2016 To the commenter above, have you ever realized what persuasion is?
How you use it in everyday life? And that rape is by definition forceful and unwanted, as a result of not being able to persuade? Is a street vendor trying to sell you something trying to rape your wallet? Grow up.
best dating frustrations - What are the biggest frustrations about online dating?
I have used online dating on and off since 2002. And what I am seeing is that technology has made it so easy for people to pretend to be something they are not. And it has created such a division between people because no one communicates anymore.
We all are having the same problems that's the funny part. Now at 38 years old I am able to see red flags immediately. Because if you pay attention people have gotten so comfortable with the online dating game. They don't think about switching up the technique until it's too late. Ladies I am going to tell you somethings to do and look out for to save you sometime and headache.
1.Their screen name- If it is a reference to sex or his man hood. You already know what he wants. 2.Pictures- Is he half naked or showing off what he got.
Or do they look like he just woke up. Cause if he don't care about the first thing you see of him. Why would it change if you meet 3.Online Convo- All you need to ask him is where he lives, does he have kids,and what he is looking for. If he can't give a straight answer or misses a question move on cause he is trying to get his lie straight 4.Phone- When you give a guy your number tell him to call you not to text.If he text you anyway block him cause if he can't follow those directions he is not going to be able to when you meet him 5.Phone Convo- If he is rushing you off the phone or if he is trying to meet you immediately with out knowing your living situation or inviting you over his house not knowing anything about you hangup cause he don't even care about his safety so you know he is not going to care about yours If he starts off talking about what women have done to him and what he don't like .
Hangup because he is showing you how he feels about women and is not even giving you the opportunity to show him something different But anyway these are just a few things to keep in mind. And let's just be honest we all want some type of affection cause if we didn't we wouldn't be on there . There is nothing wrong with wanting to have sex.
But if he is quick to jump on you and not let nature take it's course move on. And to cut down on being stood up if he has not called or is not at the meeting place within a hour don't even waste your time. Men who always text you , can't see you at a certain, and can't talk or don't answer your calls.
ARE NOT SINGLE! The most frustrating thing is we are all adults but people chose to act like children. If I start writing an answer, will it ever end? LOL Scammers / Posers - Lots of guys using profiles of seemingly decent men, pretending to be soldiers who were widowed or abandoned by their wives, looking for love. After a few days they start asking for money for their ticket so they can travel and see you in your country.
I’ve encountered 2 who I was able to confirm. There’s actually a support group called ScamHaters United, created just to warn online daters about scammers. It’s a global modus. Catfish - Men can catfish too. Is ‘can catfish’ a proper phrase?
Haha Ghosts - Happened to me many times. Recently there’s this guy who I met online. We were supposed to meet when he visited my city but then he disappeared. A few weeks later he messaged me on WhatsApp explained that he had to cut his visit short because of a family emergency. We’re OK, started chatting again, we shared photos, he seemed ‘real’ and told me he wants to see where it leads.
It was going great then suddenly just stops replying to my messages. Just stops. Without explanation. At least the one before him made up a lame excuse before he blocked me. But this one just stopped and what’s so baffling is that he reads all my messages.
I haven’t blocked him because I want to see whether he will ever reply again - I’m curious about what he will say. Mister Perfect - Guys with a looooooong list of qualifications for women they want to date. I saw this one profile, he even listed what type of water his ideal girl should be drinking..
some kind of organic, filtered sh*t. Some wants only women who are vegan, who eat organic, etc etc. I find these profiles funny as hell and annoying. Or maybe I’m just not perfect. Mister Simple - “Simple guy, living my life to the fullest, looking for my partner in crime”. Nobody is simple. Nobody. And what does simple even mean? Sapiosexual - I think most of them are all liars. I’ve encountered self-proclaimed sapiosexuals who were not impressed by how I communicate and only want to see my boobs.
A few have asked me very interesting questions, and when I answered them with my opinions they stop replying… either they didn’t like my answer, don’t like intellectual discourse, or they’re just pretending to know something when they don’t. Next time you see a sapiosexual, don’t believe it right away. It’s most likely a trap! And it’s frustrating that they match with you, they actually liked your profile but when you start a conversation, they suddenly unmatch???
So why did they bother to like your profile at all if they’re not actually interested to talk to you? And there are some… Him: Where are you from? Me: Philippines Him: *unmatch* Most foreign men think Filipinas are gold diggers and only want foreign husbands because we apparently think foreign men are rich and our only way out of poverty. You boys don’t know what you’re missing by lumping all of us in one category.
And my biggest frustration of all: “Holier than thou” / “I’m so much better than you” - I encountered one guy who told me that I shouldn’t be trusted to hire people (as I’m in HR) because according to him I am a poor judge of character (because I ended up a single mother) and that I have a weak personality (because I’m always online in this particular dating app). And then there’s this atheist who told me that he’s not interested because he is a “Science/Fact” person. Apparently I am not because I believe in God.
Though I think I know more about Science than he does because I have a degree in Biology - we did study evolutionary biology and all those other theories. All in all, I think online dating is a great platform to know different types of people - their personalities, quirks, preferences, flaws.
It’s frustrating as hell but fun too if you don’t take it too seriously.
The biggest frustrations about online dating for me: The effort dilemma. Modern dating dynamics are practically designed to encourage complaining. She complains there are no more good guys. Complains about all the stupid “sup” messages. Complains that guys don’t read profiles. Has another paragraph (or three) about what she doesn’t want.
How to Handle Anger and Frustration - Relationship Advice for men and women: