Funny Dating Quotes 1. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. Woody Allen 2. What is a date, really, but a job interview .
Cute Funny Quotes of All Time: Quotes are truly wonderful and magnificent when it comes to express your feelings. In a true sense only quotes can convey your feelings in a proper yet in a shorter way. When it comes to cute funny quotes of all time there are thousands of quotations that can bring smiles to your faces in no time. Though usage of quotes dates long back in the English literature, till date it has not lost its glamour and beauty by any means.
Often people are found to use cute funny quotes in order to bring a decent yet rightful way to use in their vocabulary. Whether be in writing text or daily use as a part of your speech it has enriched your sense of humor in public each and every time. Cute Funny Quotes of Life This form of repetition of expression has successfully gained its popularity from past to the present all around the globe.
In each and every language that we find today in this planet has presented human being thousands of cute and funny quotes that can make you feel happy and burst into laughter in no time. Thus in creating humor and a sudden feeling of joy no one can ever match the quality of cute funny quotes. This form of language got so popular that even today there are thousands of books available in the market dedicated to this form of quotation.
Ending on a happy and cute way, funny quotes not only can add a little bit of sweetness to your life especially when you are feeling low and depressed but also to your audience.
This decent yet true meaning quotes can do wonders for your mood as well as your vocabulary. Try it yourself and see the change in you and around you. Cute Funny Quotes of All Time: “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” – Cathy Guisewite If I had just one hour left to live, I’d spend it in Math class… it never ends.
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?” – Albert Einstein Life in a box is better than no life at all, I expect. You’d have a chance at least. You could lie there thinking: Well, at least I’m not dead.” Tom Stoppard “Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.” Stephen Hawking “Books say: She did this because. Life says: She did this. Books are where things are explained to you; life is where things aren’t. I’m not surprised some people prefer books.” Julian Barnes “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” Robert Frost “If the real world were a book, it would never find a publisher.
Overlong, detailed to the point of distraction – and ultimately, without a major resolution.” Jasper Fforde “Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.” Woody Allen “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright “If cats looked like frogs we’d realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are.
Style. That’s what people remember.” Terry Pratchett “Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”Robert Benchley Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination. – Christopher Isherwood ~The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
– Author unknown ~An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, “So far so good!” – Author unknown ~When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. – Steven Wright “Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” Albert Einstein
best dating funny quotes of all times - Funny Dating Quotes and Sayings
Illustration by John Cuneo At Reader’s Digest, we’re always on the lookout for the best quotes ever uttered. We fill our buckets with stirring quotes that , wise , classic , epic quotes that and, simply, happy quotes that . Today, we are tickled to bring you this: the 75 funniest quotes of all time. Enjoy.
Part 1: Laughs from Gaffes Bypass the remark you’d always regret in favor of the version you’ll shamelessly repeat… Instead of saying this … “I thought Europe was a country.” —Kellie Pickler, country music singer … Say this: “If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.” —Stephen Colbert Instead of saying this… “It is better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep.” —Donald Trump (retweeting a Benito Mussolini quote) … Say this: “The lion shall lie down with the calf, but the calf won’t get much sleep.” —Woody Allen Instead of saying this … “I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.” —Tara Reid, actress … Say this: “My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.” —Billy Connolly, actor Instead of saying this … “I won’t go into a big spiel about reincarnation, but the first time I was in the Gucci store in Chicago was the closest I’ve ever felt to home.” —Kanye West, rap artist … Say this: “I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.” —Shane Richie, British actor Instead of saying this … “It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.” —Axl Rose, lead singer of Guns N’ Roses … Say this: “Bigamy is having one husband too many.
Monogamy is the same.” —Anonymous We bet you’ll also love these . Illustration by John Cuneo Part 2: Fight Ire with Fire Fend off a cruel or foolish declaration with a zinger that will have the Hamptons buzzing… Following an argument, an angry Lady Astor told Winston Churchill, “Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee.” Churchill snapped, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.” When Mick Jagger insisted that his wrinkles were actually laugh lines, jazz singer George Melly replied, “Surely nothing could be that funny.” A sports columnist recalled the story of a flight attendant who asked Muhammad Ali to fasten his seat belt.
Ali replied, “Superman don’t need no seat belt.” The flight attendant’s retort: “Superman don’t need no airplane either.” Seeing a male dog sniffing a female dog, the young daughter of Laurence Olivier asked Noël Coward what they were doing. Coward: “The one in front has suddenly gone blind and the other one has very kindly offered to push him.” When a fan asked Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart for tips on writing symphonies, the composer is said to have suggested, “Begin with some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony.” “But Herr Mozart,” replied the fan, “you were writing symphonies when you were eight.” “Yes,” said Mozart.
“But I never asked anybody.” In the 1960s, Joe Pyne, one of the original shock jocks, apparently began an interview with Frank Zappa by saying, “So I guess your long hair makes you a woman.” Zappa responded, “So I guess your wooden leg makes you a table.” Katharine Hepburn so hated filming a movie with John Barrymore, she declared, “Mr. Barrymore, I am never going to act with you again.” Barrymore replied, “My dear, you still haven’t.” Director/writer Kevin Smith told Tim Burton that Burton’s Planet of the Apes reminded him of a comic book he’d written.
Burton responded, “Everyone knows I never read comics.” Smith shot back, “That explains Batman.” An acquaintance walked past Algonquin Round Table member Marc Connelly and ran a hand over Connelly’s bald pate. “That feels just as smooth and as nice as my wife’s behind,” he said.
Connelly, running his own hand over his head, remarked, “So it does!” Leonard Nimoy was asked by a woman, “Are you aware that you [as Spock] are the source of erotic dream material for ladies around the world?” Nimoy’s reply: “May all your dreams come true.” [pullquote] “Live every week like it’s Shark Week!” —Tina Fey [/pullquote] Illustration by John Cuneo Part 3: Nine Things a Great Line Is Good For 1.
Advocating: “You know there’s a problem when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R.” —Dennis Miller, comedian 2. Chiding: “To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.” —Oscar Wilde 3.
Critiquing: “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” —Billy Wilder, director 4. Praising (and insulting): “She loves nature in spite of what it did to her.” —Bette Midler 5. Creating hope: “Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.” —Nicole Hollander, cartoonist 6. Waxing philosophical: “Start every day with a smile and get over it.” —W.
C. Fields (attributed) 7. Looking inward: “I wish I had the confidence of the woman who boldly admits she’s the Miranda of her crew.” —Jessica Biel, actress 8. Piety: “Want to know what God thinks of money? Look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker, writer 9.
Summing up the world: “Karaoke is the great equalizer.” —Aisha Tyler, talk show host [pullquote] “They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” —Clint Eastwood [/pullquote] Illustration by John Cuneo Part 4: Timed Lines The right line at the right time is a thing of beauty.
Memorize these tried-and-true replies for any situation… It’s Thanksgiving dinner, and your Luddite uncle Ralph is at it again about how science is bunk: “I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.” —Stephen Hawking, physicist “The only people who still call hurricanes acts of God are the people who write insurance forms.” —Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist “By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.” —Richard Dawkins, scientist “He was so narrow-minded, he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.” —Molly Ivins, author “I’ve come to learn that the best time to debate family members is when they have food in their mouths.” —Kenneth Cole, fashion designer A friend is considering getting married, and you have certain “insights” about the institution you’d like to communicate: “They say marriages are made in Heaven.
But so is thunder and lightning.” —Clint Eastwood “My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell “Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love.” —Butch Hancock, country musician “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” —Rod Stewart, rock star Someone is pressuring you to do better.
Time to lower the bar: “All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott, actor “When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president.” —Louis CK “Part of [the $10 million] went for gambling, horses, and women. The rest I spent foolishly.” —George Raft, film star “I was going to sue for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.” —Charles Barkley, TV basketball analyst “I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food.
He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.” —Johnny Carson A coworker asks your opinion of an insufferable boss. You’re happy to unload: “He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.” —Samuel Johnson, 18th-century author “Her only flair is in her nostrils.” —Pauline Kael, film critic “She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.” —Jean Webster, author “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” —Abraham Lincoln “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” —Henry Clapp, newspaper editor “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” —Isaac Asimov, science fiction writer [pullquote] “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.” —Cher [/pullquote] Illustration by John Cuneo Part 5: Point/Counterpoint How to win the argument, switch sides, then win again… DOGS VS CATS Point: “A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley, humorist Counterpoint: “Cats are smarter than dogs.
You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez, producer WINE VS BEER Point: “Wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy.” —Benjamin Franklin Counterpoint: “Why beer is better than wine: human feet are conspicuously absent from beer making.” —Steve Mirsky, author DEMOCRATS VS REPUBLICANS Point: “The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove crabgrass on your lawn.” —P.
J. O’Rourke, writer Counterpoint: “The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then they get elected and prove it.” —P. J. O’Rourke, still a writer MEN VS WOMEN Point: “I’ve been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out.” —Lee Grant, actress Counterpoint: “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.” —Cher FICTION VS NONFICTION Point: “The difference between fiction and reality?
Fiction has to make sense.” —Tom Clancy, author Counterpoint: “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain OPTIMISTS VS PESSIMISTS Point: “An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!’” —Anonymous Counterpoint: “The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.” —George Will, columnist BLONDES VS BRUNETTES Point: “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb … and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton Counterpoint: “It was a blonde.
A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window.” —Raymond Chandler, author CRITICS VS ARTISTS Point: “He suffers from delusions of adequacy.” —Walter Kerr, critic Counterpoint: “Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re unable to do it themselves.” —Brendan Behan, Irish author Part 6: Who Said It? How well do you know your famous quotes?
Take the quiz. 1) “The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.” 2) “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” 3) “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.” 4) “If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?” 5) “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” 6) “They say you shouldn’t say anything about the dead unless it’s good. He’s dead. Good.” 7) “Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.” 8) “The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going about saying, ‘The trouble with this country is …’” These are the ANSWERS: 1) Mark Twain; 2) Albert Einstein; 3) Helen Gurley Brown, former editor of Cosmopolitan; 4) Will Rogers; 5) Oscar Wilde; 6) Moms Mabley; 7) President John F.
Kennedy; 8) Sinclair Lewis
We can improve our relationships with others if we become encouragers instead of critics. Joyce Meyer I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner If you liked the last quote, feel free to check out . Marriage is like a game of chess. Except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. Relationships give us a reason to live. Revenge. Ronny Shakes What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
So many people prefer to live in drama because it’s comfortable. It’s like someone staying in a bad or relationship – it’s actually easier to stay because they know what to expect every day, versus leaving and not knowing what to expect.
Ellen DeGeneres Check out our awesome collection of Love is like a virus. It can happen to anybody at any time. Table Of Contents • • • • Very Funny Relationship Quotes My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met. Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas. Dave Attell The world has grown suspicious of anything that looks like a happily married life. This is one of funny relationship quotes by Oscar Wilde. Check out our awesome collection of Yeah, relationships are pretty cool, but have you ever heard of ?
Unknown The key to a successful relationship is to clear your Internet history. Unknown Love is a sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.
Jewish Proverb Please share these funny relationship quotes with your friends right now. My phone battery lasts longer than most of my relationships nowadays. Unknown There should be a relationship status called, ‘currently creeping’. Unknown For more funny stuff, please check out right now. I have a very strange relationship in general with women around my music. There’s some that understand it and some that think there should be a against it. Nick Cave Sometimes I look at my boyfriend and think, ‘Damn, he’s one lucky man.’ Unknown Relationship Quotes And Sayings From Famous People A relationship isn’t going to make me survive.
It’s the cherry on top. Jennifer Aniston There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in. Richard Jeni What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a ?
About 30 pounds. Cindy Gardner I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. This is one of funny relationship quotes by Woody Allen.
Check out our awesome collection of My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes. Emo Philips Save a boyfriend for a rainy day — and another, in case it doesn’t rain. Mae West Check out our awesome collection of It’s better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week. Laurence J. Peter When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.
Albert Einstein All The And Sayings You Need To Know I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire? Zsa Zsa Gabor Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed. Albert Einstein Check out our awesome collection of Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?
Rita Rudner Love is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill, but not doing it because you’d miss them. Unknown The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them must be good at taking orders. Linda Festa The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends.
Bobby Kelton When I want to end a relationship I just say, ‘You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.’ Sometimes they leave skid marks.
Rita Rudner Please share these and sayings now. I am convinced that material things can contribute a lot to making one’s life pleasant, but, basically, if you do not have very good friends and relatives who matter to you, life will be really empty and sad and material things cease to be important. David Rockefeller You meet someone and you’re sure you were lovers in a past life. After two weeks with them, you realize why you haven’t kept in touch for the last two thousand years.
Al Cleathen More Funny Quotes About Love And Relationships You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.
Jonathan Carroll It’s no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn’t even speak to each other if they met at a party. Nick Hornby Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness?
It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means. Henny Youngman Love is what we call the situation which occurs when two people who are sexually compatible discover that they can also tolerate one another in various other circumstances. Marc Maihueird I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers.
Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don’t wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too. Maria Bamford Related Links
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