The Best Dating Jokes and Statuses from around the Web. Jokes about your Girl Friend, Boy Friend or Fiance. You will find them all here. First night…. by Tom. It was the first night with my blind girl -friend. When I finally put my penis in her hand she said, “No thanks, I don’t smoke.” Categories Dating Jokes. Bro come fast. by Xo. I went to a restaurant. It was full; no place to sit… I took out my mobile, Placed it to my ear and said loudly- “Bro come fast, she’s here with someone else… Six couples ran away. Categories Dating Jokes. Relations and Birthdays. by Dave. Some relationships are li .
One liner jokes - these are short funny jokes that fit in a single line. It can be a short saying, funny statement or opinion, famous funny quote taht you can apply in your daily life situations. Various comedians and people, who want to make fun, use one liners, to make unexpected story moves and provoke laughter. "Funny Jokes Quote" advise you to read through the funny one liners below and remember a few of them to bring jokes and laughter to the new spaces, where fun is needed!
One-liner jokes - A man sank A man sank in a pond despite the fact that he was a Pisces (according to horoscope) and total shit (as a man). One-liner jokes - Life Life keeps fucking you, but with no orgasm. One-liner jokes - The good The good is when you do bad things for bad people. One liner jokes - Neighbor My neighbor is a real Genie. Whenever I open a bottle, he comes to me. One-liner jokes - She She was so ugly, but we had no vodka left… One-liner jokes - Today I do not have enough middle fingers for today.
*** It's very difficult to be dumb these days. The competition is simly too big. *** Alcohol does not solve problems. But neither does milk. *** Jesus has changed your life. Do you want to save changes (Yes/No)? *** Good girls go to bed at 8 p.m., since they need to be home by 11 p.m.
*** Shut up when you are talking to me... *** The more I know people, the more I start prefering dogs. *** Do you want to speak or did you cough accidentally? *** Moses has been guiding his people through the desert for 40 years. Looks like even at those times men were unwilling to ask for directions. *** When you break the law, you pay fines, but when you don't - you pay taxes.
*** You can treat yourself as a successful person if the cognac you drink is older than the woman you sleep with. *** There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 cans in a box of beer. Do you still think that's a coincidence? *** There TWO ways to control your woman.
But nobody knows them. *** There are only two types of pedestrians - fast ones and dead ones. *** Life is like a toilet paper - it's so long and constantly goes to your asswhole I bought a globe so I could spit on the whole World.
*** If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherfucker a reason. *** I may look calm, but in my mind I have killed you three times already. *** I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on. *** I tried looking at the bright side of life. It hurt my eyes. *** Don't condemn nudists - they were born like this.
*** Very often the phrase “Ooops, sorry, I have forgotten“ really means “Gosh, this asshole remembers it”. *** Driver has either to drink, or to drive. There is no third way!
*** Advice: If you want to avoid snoozing your alarm clock, put a mousetrap on it. Check more funny one liners .
best dating jokes dirty one liners - Dirty Jokes
Q: What is the difference between your wife and your job? A: After five years your job still sucks. Q: What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself? A: A tearjerker. Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women? A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them. Q: Why are Penises the lightest things in the world?
A: Even thoughts can raise them. Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q: What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? A: Finding out it was traced. Q: Why didn't the Toilet Paper cross the road?
A: It got stuck in a crack Q: What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection? A: A Quarter Pounder with Cheese Q: How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant? A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper! Q: What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?
A: Two Test-tickles Q: Do you know what 6.9 is? A: A good thing screwed up by a period. Q: What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common? A: The more you play with them, the harder they get! Q: How do you make a pool table laugh? A: Tickle its balls. Q: What does a perverted frog say? A: Rubbit Q: What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students? A: a PDF File Q: What is the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist? A: A Genealogist looks up your family tree, whereas a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.
Q: What's green and smells like pork? A: Kermit the frog's finger Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A: A wet nose. Q: What do you call an Italian hooker? A: A Pasta-tute Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter?
A: Eve, because she made Adam's banana stand Q: Whats the difference between a hooker and a mosquito? A: When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking. Q: What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters? A: They just give you a bra and say "Here, fill this out." Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an alter boy. Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common? A: They were originally intended for children, but it's the men who play with them the most.
Q: Whats long, hard and full of seamen? A: A submarine Q: Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks? A: You can drop them off anywhere. Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? A: Good morning ladies. Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls? A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common? A: They are both meat substitutes! Q: What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
A: Addictionary. Q: What is Moby Dick's dad's name? A: Papa Boner Q: How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? A: She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles Q: How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: By the taste Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist? A: By becoming a ventriloquist! Q: How is pubic hair like parsley? A: You push it to the side before you start eating. Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a promiscuous woman? A: Tug-of-whore. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: What do George Zimmerman, OJ Simpson and Masturbation have in common?
A: Getting off once isn't enough Q: How is a woman like a road? A: Both have manholes. Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: Wiped his butt. Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't? A: Her navel. Q: What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? A: I want you inside me! Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68, at 69 you have to turn around. Q: Why do vegetarians give good head? A: Because they are used to eating nuts! Q: What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A: A guy will actually take time to search for a golf ball. Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? A: Beat it. We’re closed. Q: What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? A: Married. Q: Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg? A: Because they won't stop to ask directions.
Q: What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? A: One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year. Q: Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? A: He only comes once a year. Q: What’s the best part about sex with twenty—eight-year-olds? A: There are 20 of them! Q: What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Q: What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? A: If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
Q: What’s the best part about gardening? A: Getting down and dirty with your hoes. Q: How is a girlfriend like a laxative? A: They both irritate the crap out of you. Q: What do the Mafia and a vagina have in common? A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit. Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick? A: The man. Q: What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? A: Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore. Q: What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak. Q: How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? A: As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty. Q: What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart? A: You are the wind beneath my wings. Q: Why can't you hear a psychologist using the bathroom? A: Because the 'p' is silent! Q: What's better than roses on your piano?
A: Tulips on your organ. Q: What's the difference between being hungry and being horny? A: Where you put the cucumber Q: What do you call a virgin on a water bed? A: A cherry float Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can? A: Because his wife died Q: What do you call two lesbians in a closet? A: A liquor cabinet Q: What do girls and noodles have in common?
A: They both wiggle when you eat them Q: What's the worst thing about dating a blonde? A: If you don't know what hole to put it in neither do they.
Q: Did you hear about the cannibal that made a bunch of businessmen into Chili? A: I guess he liked seasoned professionals. Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A: A lickalotopuss Q: How is a woman like a condom? A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dong. Q: What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? A: Lettuce alone without dressing. Q: Whats long, Hard and Erects stuff? A: A Crane! Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Because all those men already have boyfriends. Q: What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.? A: E.T. eventually went home! Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A: They don't have balls to scratch.
Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator? A: Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me! Q: What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers? A: A virgin Q: What do you call two fat people talking? A: A heavy discussion Q: What do you call a party with 100 midgets? A: A little get together. Q: What do going down on an old woman and a pork pie have in common?
A: You have to bite the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meaty bit. Q: What did cinderella do when she got to the ball? A: She gagged Q: How do you get Dick from Richard? How do you get Bill from William? how do you get bob from robert? A: You ask him nicely. Q: Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
A: Because he only comes once a year, and it's down your chimney. Q: What does in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? A: Chewing gum Q: Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? A: Because Ken came in another box Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute? A: Keep the tip! Q: What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease? A: One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt Q: What's the difference between a bag of coke and a baby? A: Eric Clapton would never let a bag of coke fall out the window Q: What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?
A: The hockey player takes a shower after three periods. Q: What kind of bees make milk? A: Boo-Bees Q: What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator? A: The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take your meat out Q: What do you call an expert fisherman?
A: A Master Baiter Q: What's the difference between a girl and a washing machine? A: When a guy dumps a load in the washing machine, it doesn't follow him around. Q: What's the worst thing about being a pedophile? A: Just trying to fit in Q: What's the best thing about a gypsy on her period?
A: When you finger her, you get your palm red for free. Q: Who's the biggest hoe in history? A: Ms. Pac-man, because for 25 cents she swallows balls until she dies. Q: Did you hear about the short-sighted Moyle?
A: He got the sack Q: What do you call a cheap circumcism? A: A rip-off Q: Did you hear about the celebrity murderer? A: He was shooting for the stars Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: Why is being in the military like a BJ? A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. Q: Why can't Jesus play hockey? A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards. Q: What did the letter O say to Q? A: Dude, your junk is hanging out. Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? A: Virgin Mobile Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? A: Doughnuts Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A: A trip without the kids! Q: How do you know you have a high sperm count?
A: Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows. Q: What's the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple? A: Pimples don't come on a boy's face until they're 13. Q: What's the difference between a walrus and a lesbian?
A: One smells like fish and has a moustache, and the other is a walrus. Q: What do priests and McDonalds have in common? A: They both stick their meat in 10 year old buns Q: What do you call crystal clear urine? A: 1080pee Q: Why was the guitar teacher arrested? A: For fingering A minor Q: Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? A: They couldn't close his casket. Q: What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?
A: Their last big hit was the wall. Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in the U.S.A.? A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. Q: Whats the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? A: Phelps can finish a race. Q: Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party? A: Because he wanted to find a tight seal Q: Why don't orphans play baseball? A: They don't know where home is. Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to sleep with? A: When you pull her pants down her butt is still in them Q: What do you call an artist with a brown finger? A: Piccassole Q: What do you call an afghan virgin? A: Never bin laid on Q: Whats 72? A: 69 with three people watching Q: What three words will ruin a man's ego? A: "Is it in?" Q: What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check? A: Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus. Q: What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist. Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blow job. Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. Q: Why do women have orgasms? A: Just another reason to moan, really. Q: How is sex like a game of bridge? A: If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner Q: How is life like a penis? A: Your girlfriend makes it hard. Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up. Q: What's a adult actress' favorite drink? A: 7 Up in cider. Q: What do you call ball's on your chin? A: A dick in your mouth! Q: Did you hear about the Mexican racist? A: He joined the que que que. Q: What did the penis say to the vagina?
A: Don’t make me come in there! Q: What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom? A: One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch. Q: How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? A: Call and tell her about it.
Q: What's warm, wet, and pink? A: A pig in a hot tub. Q: Why was two piece swimsuit invented? A: To separate the hairy from the dairy. Q: What’s another name for a vagina? A: The box a penis comes in. Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? A: Pick it up and blow it! Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant. Q: What do Asian people eat instead of chicken noodle soup? A: Chicken Poodle soup Girls are like math problems. If they are under 18, it's best you do them in your head. Life without women would be a pain in the butt, literally. Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking crap from some asshole. The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's butt and wait.
I nicknamed my dong "Coin Flip" because it's always getting either head or tail. If you enjoyed this page, you may also like:
Here is a funny dirty jokes category I hope you’ll enjoy. Be aware that some of these jokes may be offensive for someone. Do you know some naughty jokes which we do not yet have on this list? Then you’r welcome to submit them to us so we can gather as many dirty jokes as possible. Warning. These jokes contains naughty words and phrases. We will caution children under 18 not to read anything under this section. • Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year. • What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?
Finding out it was traced. • What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year. • What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? I want you inside me! • Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
• Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor. • I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days. • What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
Her navel. • A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick. An ugly woman is passing and remarks “If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady.” He replies “If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!” • The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.
• What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed? A cherry float. • Why do women have orgasms? Just another reason to moan, really. • One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.” Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.” • What do you call a guy with a giant dick?
Phil! • What do girls and noodles have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them. • If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents. • Boy in the bath with his mum. Boy says, “Whats that hairy thing mum?” Mum replies, “That is my sponge.” “Oh yes,” says the boy, “The babysitters got one, I’ve seen her washing dads face with it.” • What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me! • My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. More dirty jokes• I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face. I don’t care if he doesn’t win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, “Come on My Face.” • What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball. • What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and resell it. • What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit. • What did One gay sperm say to another? How do we find an egg in all of this shit? • How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. • What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
• I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you. • What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We’re closed. • Why was the blonde’s bellybutton bruised? Her husband was a blonde, too. • Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died. • What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds? There are twenty of them. • When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice. • Three words to ruin a man’s ego. “Is it in?” • “A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home.
“What took you so long to answer?” he asked. “I was in bed,” she replied. “What were you doing in bed this late?” “Getting a second opinion.” • What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets. • What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lick-a-lotta-puss. • What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face. • How is a girlfriend like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you. • What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts. • A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.” He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go.” • Girl: “Hey, what’s up?” Boy: “If I tell you, will you sit on it?” Great dirty jokes• What’s the best part about gardening?
Getting down and dirty with your hoes. • What’s long and hard and full of semen? A submarine. • What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick? The man. • Naughty boy draws a p*nis on a black board. Lady teacher rubs it off.
Next day he draws a bigger one and writes: “REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS! • Why do vegetarians give good head? Beause they’re used to eating nuts. • One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex.
The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.
“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.” The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.” The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.” • What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore. • What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years, your job will still suck. • Why do walruses love a tupperware party? They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal. • Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. • What did the penis say to the vagina? Don’t make me come in there! • A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister smiled and said: “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.” • Why did God give men penises? So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.
• What’s the difference between anal and oral sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak. • Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, “Did Santa get you that?” “Yes,” replies the little girl. “Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?” The cop chuckles and replies, “He sure did!” “Well,” says the little girl, “Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!” • What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch. I’m as bored as a slut on her period. • What do a woman and a bar have in common?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back. • What’s another name for a vagina? The box a penis comes in. • What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check? Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus. • What do you call two jalapeños getting it on? Fucking hot! • What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off. • How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it. • The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty. • What do you call a guy with a small dick? Just-in! • How is life like a penis? Your girlfriend makes it hard. • Why doesn’t Santa have any kids? He only comes once a year. • What’s the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it. • What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?
A private tutor. The last 20 dirty jokes• What do boobs and toys have in common? They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them. • Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn’t close his casket. • Know what a 6.9 is? Another good thing screwed up by a period. • How is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner. • What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD? A trip without kids.
• What’s the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde? You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball! • What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off. • What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose. • What did the O say to the Q? Dude, your dick’s hanging out.
• I’m the flower, you’re the bee. Why don’t you suck the sweet pollen right out of me? • How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty. • If you jingle my bells ill promise you a white Christmas. • What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings. • What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist. • Why are women like KFC? After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in. • What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.
• Why can’t blondes count to 70? Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful. • How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. • What is the difference between “ooooooh”and “aaaaaaah”? About three inches. • How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw. A great video with Dirty jokes (Created by Smile) Top-Funny-Jokes.com is a site of entertainment.
Here you will find different jokes, riddles, pick up lines and insults. We have divided and organized all the jokes, riddles, insults and pick up lines into different categories, to make is easier for you to find your favorites pieces. Find your favorite sections and share them with your family and friends. This site will be updates with new material continuously.
ROGER'S BEST ONE LINERS, PART 2