See TOP 10 dating jokes from collection of 31 jokes rated by visitors. The funniest dating jokes only!. The best dating jokes. It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father suggests, Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.
I love good jokes, I’m sure you do too, but we hardly come across one, and most times all we see is a repetition of what has been done before. People have said it over and over again. These jokes are not just funny, they are bound to make you laugh for a long time. See Also: Short Funny Jokes – Funny Clean Short Jokes 1. My granddad has the heart of a lion and a life time ban from the San Diego Zoo.
2. I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again. 3. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up. 4. Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?” 5. “This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.” 6.
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places. 7. Atheism is a non-prophet organization 8.
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale. 9. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. 10. What does the aardvark call his dog?Aard-bark!
… 11. What is the difference between an aardvark and a coyote?One has a long smeller, the other, a loud yeller! … 12. Who loves hamburgers, French fries, and ants?Ronald MacAardvark! … 13. What does an aardvark keep in his aquarium?An aard-shark! … 14. It takes a lot of balls to golf like me. 15. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain. 16. There’s no “I” in Denial. 17. A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He’s now a seasoned veteran.
18. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus. 19. A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.” 20. A plateau is the highest form of flattery. 21. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
22. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. 23. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list. 24.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. 25. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand. 26. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t. 27. How do you keep an idiot in suspense? 28. Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeeeeooooouuuhhhh”.
The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.” 29. I hate Russian dolls…so full of themselves 30. What’s E.T. short for? Because he’s only got little legs. 31. “I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes. 32. I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
33. God must love stupid people. He made SO many. 34. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. 35. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 36. I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you. 37. We have enough gun control.
What we need is idiot control. 38. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 39. War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left. 40. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. 41. What’s the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on 1,000 people 42. Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
43. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. 44. A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand … 45. This customer comes into the computer store. “Im looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics.
You know, something really challenging.” … 46. Redmond, WA –Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system “Windows 2000” will be delayed until the second qu … 47.
What do computers eat when they get hungry? Chips. … 48. Two penguins walk into a bar… which is stupid because the second one should have seen it.
49. What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador. 50. Wanna hear a joke about Potassium? (whether they say ‘yes’ or ‘no’): K. Read Also: Short Funny Jokes For Adults – Really Funny Jokes For Kids 51. What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack* 52. A baby seal walks into a club. 53. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the telly. 54. Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year. 55. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now. 56. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer. 57. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police. 58. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 59. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
60. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 61. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise. 62. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. 63. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
64. I didn’t know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. 65. I was wondering why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets…. then it hit me. 66. Have I told you this deja vu joke before? 67. Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it. 68.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be… 69. Escalators don’t break down… they just turn into stairs 70. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing… except when you’re at a funeral. 71. I intend to live forever… or die trying. 72. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 73. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others… whenever they go.
74. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. 75. I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a b!tch. 76. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
77. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it… So, I said “Implants?” 78. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught. 79. The hardest part of a business, is minding your own. … 80. That lion king moment, when you hold your phone in the air to get a better reception… … 81. Flies only live for 24 hours.
Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever! … 82. I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious!
… 83. I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave! … 84. I wish more people were fluent in silence. … 85. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does. Read: Jokes For Kids That Are Really Funny – Really Funny Knock Knock Joke 86. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
87. Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up. 88. I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die. 89. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
90. My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. 91. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 92. When I die, I want my grave to have free WiFi so people will come visit more often. … 93. Were there any great men born in this town? No only little babies. … 94. A cop pulled me over and said ”Papers…” So I said, ”Scissors, I win!” and drove off like a boss.
… 95. Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak. … 96. Whats the difference between Windows 95 and a virus? A virus does something. … 97. What is uglier than an aardvark?Two aardvarks! … 98. We never knew he was a drunk… until he showed up to work sober. 99. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A blind man walks into a bar….And a table, and a chair. 100. At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
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In the recent post we posted the , This is the time for the Top 10 funniest jokes in this world that are clean and made for kids and family.
Here is the list of World's Top 10 Funniest Clean, Short SMS, Family that you have ever on web or on Google. Share with your family and friends. Top 10 Funny clean Jokes Top 10 Funny Short Family Jokes
> Clean Short Jokes, Funny One Line Jokes Clean Short Jokes, Funny One Line Jokes An onion can make people cry but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh. ~ Will Rogers When I come to one of the forks in the road of life, I don’t waste time and energy wishing it was a spoon. ~ Miss Piggy All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. If all is not lost, where is it?
The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through. It was all so different before everything changed. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few ... It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess? Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere. Spirituality Jokes The Art of Meditation – You Have the Right to Remain Silent Q: Why did it take the Buddha forever to vacuum his sofa?
A: Because he didn't have any attachments. Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? A: Make me one with everything. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my right hand.
My son has taken up meditation - at least it's better than sitting doing nothing. Did you hear about the yogi who was having a filling put in a tooth? When the dentist asked him if he wanted Novocain, the yogi said, "No.
I can transcend dental medication." While talking about meditation techniques, a Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't. Dave Barry's 50 Years of Experience Men, Manners... Right.
1. Never, under any circumstances, combine a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to specify, in one word, why the human race has not, and will never achieve its full potential, that word would be meetings. 3. It is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 4.
People who push to share their religious views with you rarely care to have you to share yours with them. 5. One does well to separate one's career from one's life. 6. Nobody cares if you can't dance. Just dance. 7. Regardless of the temptation, don't lick a steak knife. 8. The most devastating force in the world is gossip. 9. You should never say anything to a woman that even hints that you think she's pregnant. 10. The one constant among all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
11. A person, who is nice to you, but mean to the stranger, is not a nice person. 12. Men are like a fine cheese. They start out as milk, and it's up to women to mold them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. George Carlin Quotes 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 6. What if there were no hypothetical questions? 7. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...
is he still wrong? 9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 10. Is there another word for synonym? 11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 21. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 23. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 25. How is it possible to have a civil war? 26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too? 27. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? 28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "S" in it? 30. Why is the alphabet in that order?
Is it because of that song? 31. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? 32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
Rodney Dangerfield's: BEST-1-LINERS Part 1