Just a few weeks ago, your best friend and you were spending the weekend binging your latest Netflix hang-up. Now, she’s hopelessly obsessed with her SO—and to make it worse, you can’t stand the sight of him or her. It can be really difficult when your best friend gets into a relationship that you don’t approve of. In the end, you know it’s their decision, but you can’t help that nagging feeling in the back of your head that he or she isn’t right for them. Thankfully, we’ve collaborated with experts on romance and etiquette to give you the run-down on what to do in this situation—read on to fi .
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best friend dating someone you hate - Signs You Should Date Your Best Friend
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• You sit on your bed alone on a Saturday night, endlessly bored and . Just a few weeks ago, your best friend and you were spending the weekend binging your latest Netflix hang-up.
Now, she’s hopelessly obsessed with her SO—and to make it worse, you can’t stand the sight of him or her. It can be really difficult when your best friend gets into a relationship that you don’t approve of. In the end, you know it’s their decision, but you can’t help that nagging feeling in the back of your head that he or she isn’t right for them.
Thankfully, we’ve collaborated with experts on romance and etiquette to give you the run-down on what to do in this situation—read on to find out. 1. Identify why you dislike their SO Before you can come to terms with your BFF’s relationship, first you have to identify why their SO bothers you so much. Even if you think you know why, spell it out so you don’t have any misconceptions—where does your dislike come from? Jasbina Ahluwalia, a relationship expert, matchmaker and the founder of , gave us a few common reasons.
“There are numerous reasons, which fall into three categories, and possibly a combination of the three,” she says. Her categories are listed below. 1. You may dislike their SO’s behavior towards you.
• You may feel slighted by what you perceive to be rude or disrespectful behavior towards you by their SO. 2. You may disapprove of the relationship itself for some reason. • He/she isn’t who you would pick for your best friend. • You feel that he/she is not good enough for your best friend. • You feel that he/she mistreats your best friend. • Your best friend might complain about him/her to you. 3. You may feel left out or envious. • You might not have an SO yourself, and wish you did.
• You feel like your friend no longer has time for you due to the relationship. By understanding why you don’t like your best friend’s SO, you can learn to tackle the problem head-on. It will help you determine whether your dislike is warranted.
For example, if you are genuinely concerned for your best friend’s well -being in a potentially abusive relationship, that’s a different matter entirely. You should always look out for your best friend. Pull her aside sometime and talk to her about the situation—if she admits that she’s being abused, encourage her to leave the relationship and seek out help from the appropriate authorities if necessary. Additionally, maybe you simply feel jealous.
It’s easy to feel left out when your best friend, who usually spends her weekends with you, is now fawning over her new boyfriend – especially . Focus on yourself if that’s the case, and maybe even head out on a date or two. Who knows, you might be double-dating with your BFF soon enough!
Follow the steps below to start moving past your dislike of your friend’s SO. 2. Get to know your best friend’s SO Even if you can’t stand the sight of him or her, get past your initial hatred and try to get to know them.
They might be a nice person inside—and that’s what your best friend fell in love with. Plan some time to hang out with them either alone or with a group of friends. If you only see them when they’re with your best friend, you may dislike them purely because of feeling like a 'third wheel.' Jasbina Ahluwalia gives you a great idea to approach a mutual understanding.
“Try a counter-intuitive gesture of kindness towards him or her, and see if your feelings start to take a turn in a positive direction,” she says. “Why would that happen? Your kind gesture creates cognitive dissonance—which your mind might try to resolve by finding reasons to like him. Also, ask your friend to share with you all the good things about her boyfriend—there may be a side of him that you’re not seeing.” If your best friend’s SO is a private person, they might come off as unlikeable from the outset.
Take time to get to know him or her so you don’t come to any conclusions too fast. They might actually be a great person for your best friend. On the other hand, if her SO is outright rude to you, something’s up. Talk to your best friend about the situation and let her know you’re not comfortable around him. This is a case-by-case scenario, so work out a plan with your BFF that’ll lighten the relationship between you and her SO.
Related: 3. Remember that your friend’s happiness is most important Even if you still don’t see why your best friend is dating him or her, you should let your concerns go if you see that your friend is truly happy. In the end, that’s what matters more than anything. Maybe her eyes sparkle when she sees a text from her SO, or you see her light up when her SO comes into view. While it’s great to look out for your friend, there’s a point when you need to realize that ultimately, her happiness is your happiness.
If your best friend’s SO still bothers you immensely, give your friend some space. Respect that her SO makes her happy, and be happy for her in turn – just take a break and hang out with some other friends in the meantime. You don’t have to force yourself to spend time with them.
After a while, the honeymoon period of their relationship will cool down, and by then you’ll probably feel comfortable with hanging out more often again. However, it’s a different situation entirely if you know that your friend’s SO hasn’t been treating her right.
Maybe you’ve heard some gossip that she doesn’t know about, or you’ve seen a few suspicious text messages on his or her phone. If you have reason to think that the SO might eventually hurt your best friend, don’t stand by. Find out more, and if you have reasonable cause, let your best friend know that something’s up.
It might save her a lot of heartbreak in the future. 4. Preserve your friendship All too often, friendships crumble amid the whirlwind of a new relationship – especially when dislike of an SO comes into play.
While you want to give your friend some space, be careful not to let your friendship fizzle out. Jodi R. R. Smith, president of , gives you tips on how to maintain contact during this tricky situation.
“First, give her some space especially at the beginning of the relationship,” she says. “Once the newness normalizes, schedule some girl-time. Second, never make her feel like she needs to choose between you and her SO. Make sure she knows that even though you are not spending as much time together, you are always there for her.” It can be hard to make a friendship work when a new SO comes into the mix, but make an effort to reach out to your friend and things will be all right. Everyone needs time away from their SO, even your seemingly-obsessed best friend.
Good luck, collegiettes! Shereen is currently a junior at Florida Atlantic University, majoring in Neuroscience with a minor in Literature. As the Life Section Editor and Feature Writer for Her Campus, she loves to read, write and express her opinion. When she's not scribbling away in a notebook, you can find her obsessively playing videogames, procrastinating for her physics final or staying up till 4 AM for no reason whatsoever.
This article was co-authored by our trained team of editors and researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness. Together, they cited information from , which can be found at the bottom of the page.
carefully monitors the work from our editorial staff to ensure that each article meets our high quality standards. You have a friend you really enjoy spending time with, but they have a friend that you really dislike. It may not make sense to you why your friend is close with that person, but it doesn't have to.
What matters is working around, or sometimes with, their friendship so that you can keep yours. Here are some tips of how you can work around this person you don't like in a few different situations. Talk to your friend. It is always difficult to talk about a tough topic, but being honest and having a conversation with your friend about the person you dislike will be better for your friendship. It will help them understand where you are coming from, and they might be more considerate when you are around that person.
• Make the conversation as nice and gentle as possible. “I know this is probably uncomfortable for you, I feel uneasy about it, too. I just want to be open and honest with you.” • Tell your friend how you feel about other person in the nicest way possible. “I'm not Sarah's biggest fan, we've never really gotten along well.” • Try to explain to your friend why you and that person don't get along.
If there was an event that occurred, let your friend in on it. “I guess it comes from that whole situation between Sarah, Emily, and I, last summer...” Live in the present. Try instead refocusing your thinking to the present time you are spending with your friend. Utilizing mindfulness techniques will help you to train your brain to stay in the moment and to refocus when your thoughts drift to the other person. • Come Back: When you catch yourself thinking about the other person that you dislike, or feeling anxious or jealous, think or say to yourself “Come back,” take a deep breath, and focus on what is happening right now.
• Attentive Listening: Look into your friends eyes and really listen to what they are saying. Notice the tone of their voice, the way they laugh, or how their face changes as they talk. This will help you feel more connected to your friend and focus on the moment. • Speaking Mindfully: Fully consider the impact your words can have on the other person.
Think about how you would feel if what you are saying were said to you. Ask yourself if you are being truly honest in your communication. Discuss how you feel. Try to let your friend know how you feel about your friendship and any feelings you may be having about the other person's impact on your friendship.
The more honest you are with them, the more honest they can be with you. It's also important for you to communicate how you feel. You might try something like the following: • ”I don't want to make a big deal out of this, but our friendship is important to me.” • ”I'm worried that my feelings about Sarah are going to affect our friendship.” • ”I'm not trying to tell you who to be friends with, I just don't want this to come between us.” Empathize with your friend.
Empathy is trying to understand and feel someone else's experience from their point of view. Use empathy to recognize that it is probably very difficult for your friend. They are stuck in between two friends who don't get along, but ideally would like to stay friends with both. • Practice empathy by making empathic responses that are validating, sympathetic, caring, and supportive.
“I am so sorry, it has to be frustrating to be stuck in the middle. How can I help?” • Avoid non-empathic responses that are impatient, invalidating, self-centered, uncaring, un-supportive, or demanding. “Don't freak out, you shouldn't feel that way. Here's what I want you to do.” Engage in positive reframing. Positive reframing is a technique where you notice negative events or maladaptive thoughts and make an effort to change them much like putting a picture in a new frame.
Positive reframing will not change the situation, but it can change how you react to it and how you feel about it. • Use this as a chance to learn by asking, “What can I learn from this that will help me grow?” • Challenge the assumptions or beliefs behind some thoughts you might be having such as, “They are hanging out because my friend likes her more than me.” • Use different wording, change “I really hate her” to “I'm not a fan of that girl” or “Maybe she is really struggling right now.” Don't gossip.
If at all possible, avoid talking about the person you hate behind their back or gossiping about them. It's immature, mean, and will make you look like the bad guy.Gossip can be harmful to you, your friend, or the group as a whole. • Gossip can be a form of exclusion or bullying.
• It can destroy your friends trust in you. • It can prompt others to gossip about you. Try to be acquaintances or even friends with the person you dislike. Being friends with them may be too much, but you are going to see them or deal with them at certain points due to having a mutual friend. You may even hang out together in a small or large group. So try keeping your distance, but be friendly enough not to put your shared friend in an uncomfortable position.
• For example, when hanging out, keep conversations minimal, but pleasant. Consider small talk. • If the other person hates you back, they may not be willing to be friendly with you.
In this case, that is on them. Your mutual friend will notice and appreciate your efforts. Hang out together. If your friend contacts you and asks, "me and Sarah are going to see a movie, you want to come?" try going. It may be uncomfortable, but you never know what might happen. You might be able to help the situation by spending more time together. • You may learn something new about that person that may help you understand why they are the way they are. • You'll get a chance to see your friend and them hang out together and see if they are different around them than they are around you.
• You may find that spending time with them is not as awful as you thought. Don't compete. While you are hanging out together, it may be easy to develop an “us” vs. “them” mentality. That could be dangerous, because you will feel and then act like you are always in competition with that person. Instead, be the bigger person and resist the urge to get into a power struggle with them. • Remind yourself that they might be trying to bait you into arguing or competing with them.
• Find an external “enemy” a object that you all agree you dislike. If you are in school, this could be a teacher or an assignment. It could also be a celebrity, or a television show. • Remember why you are working hard at this in the first place, to maintain a good relationship with your friend.
Arguing in front of them, while you are hanging out together will not accomplish that. Find qualities in them that you like. Even though you hate them, make an effort to find something about them that you like. Living with that negativity will be harmful for all three of you so try to find a way around it by picking out qualities that are positive.
• Think about your common interests, what do you both like? • Focus on what you think is their best quality and go from there.
• Join in on an activity with them and create common ground. Be civil and polite. While you are hanging out together you might not be able to be friends but you should at least be civil.
If you are nasty, your friend may realize that they don't want to hang out with the both of you. If just you are being nasty, it could cause your friend to prefer to hand out the the other person. It's better to always be polite. • Say “hello” when you see them instead of ignoring them. • Make eye contact when they are speaking.
• Say “thank you” and “you're welcome.” Stand up for yourself. While you should always try and remain polite, make sure you are not allowing the other person to walk all over you. Stand up for yourself in the face of nastiness, but try not to stoop to their level or retaliate. Your needs are important important, too.
• If the person is calling you names you can try to ignore it, or ask them to stop. Responding maturely will show your mutual friend that you are the bigger person and are more respectful. Avoid being around the person you dislike.
If you truly cannot find common ground with the person, try to not be around them whenever possible. Walk away from the negativity and pessimism if you can and focus on the more positive people in the group. • If you cannot walk away from, try to make the interactions as brief as possible.
Keep your reactions under control. Never let the person you hate know that they are getting on your nerves. If they can see they are getting a reaction out of you, they are likely to keep doing whatever it is that upsets you. Instead remind yourself that you will not stoop to their level, and refocus your attention on someone else in the group. • Remember, the other person is likely just trying to get you to react, so don't give them the satisfaction! Be the happy, confident, and fun person you are.
If you are nice, fun to interact with, other people, including your friend, will want to be around you. You'll be able to show everyone that spending time with you will be drama free and that you are not interested in the conflict with the other person. • Best case scenario: your friends could eventually lose interest in spending time with the person you hate, especially if they are always focused on the conflict. Allow for space between you.
Make sure if you are in a group that you are not seated or standing directly next to the person you don't get along with. If they sit down next to you, you can choose to make the best of it, or you can excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and when you return choose a new spot. Space will give you a better chance of engaging others in conversation and gives you a bit of perspective. • Alternatively, find something else to do.
If you and the group are all going to an arcade, you can play different games. Use the time to figure out why they bother you. While you are in a group or while they are talking use the time to figure out what it is about them that bothers you.
Use this to pinpoint what triggers you about them. Remember you cannot change their personality or behavior, but you can change your perceptions and the way you react to it once you figure out what it is. • For example, if their accent is annoying, remind yourself that this is a part of who they are.
Try to see the world from their point of view; your accent may annoy them too! • Take their culture into consideration. Some cultures may find certain behaviors acceptable--those same behaviors may be considered rude in others! Community Answer • That's tough.
If you have noticed your friend acting differently towards you when the other person is around, you need to talk to them about it. Especially if they are being mean or rude to you together. Let your friend know what you've noticed, and let him or her know that it hurts your feelings and affects your friendship.
It is possible your friend does not realize what they have been doing or how it impacts you. Community Answer • It seems like your friend is trying to stay out of whatever is going on between you and the other person. If may be best for you to accept that and respect it, even though it may hurt. Your friend is probably just trying to keep both friendships and keep themselves out of the conflict.
It depends on if you mean the other person says things behind your back or the other person and your friend say things behind your back. You can always let your friend know, that you would prefer not to talk about the other person and that you would appreciate it if they would do the same and not talk about you with the other person. Community Answer • That is a difficult decision to make.
You should never make people choose, and the fact that your friend picked the other person after that shows they are not the greatest friend to you. Talking to you behind the other person's back is also pretty poor friend behavior. Make sure that your friend is truly a friend you want to invest time in. You deserve to be treated better than they have been treating you, and you shouldn't have to hide your friendship. Community Answer • Let your friend know how important they are to you.
Then, maybe ask for your best friend's help with coming up with a solution. Together you may be able to figure out how you can be friends with the other person also, or help you find additional friends so you have someone to spend time with during the times your best friend is hanging out with the other person. Community Answer • You should talk to your friend about how you feel. Let her know that you are worried this new friend is creating distance between the two of you, and you don't want to loose her friendship.
Consider that you may be feeling a little anxious or jealous, but that you may also be noticing a shift in your friendship that needs to be addressed. Community Answer • We all want our friends to stand up for us and to help protect us, and it can hurt when they don't. Take a minute and consider your friend's point of view. They have you saying that the other person hurt you, but they may also have the other person saying that you hurt them.
Regardless of who is "telling the truth" or who is "right," it puts your friend in a really difficult position. The only way they can truly be fair to both people they consider their friends is to not get involved. Try and respect that, and see if you can figure out another way they can help you get over the hurt.
Community Answer • Think about what might have happened to cause them to distance themselves from you. Then, try talking to your friend about it. Tell them you feel like you are growing apart or that they are putting distance between you, and ask why.
Try not to automatically blame the other person, and give your friend a chance to explain. Community Answer • Unfortunately, you can't tell your friend who they can and cannot hang out with.
Doing that will only increase the chances that your friend will spend more time with the other person. Let them make their own decisions about the friends they want in their lives, and focus on your friendship instead. If your friend keeps talking about the other person, just let your friend know you don't like the other person and you'd rather not talk about them.
Community Answer • It seems like they are not trying to annoy you on purpose then. In a way, it makes it easier, because it is just your reaction to them that is causing you trouble. You can try a couple of different things. You can change the way you see that person by thinking how it is difficult to blame them because it is not something they are doing on purpose, and they don't even know they are doing it. You can also try, in the nicest way possible, to bring it up to them ("It really bothers me when you...").
Or you can try to focus on things they do that you like rather than things you find annoying. Community Answer • The ex-friends may need some more time to get over what ever happened.
If you were not there and didn't have any involvement with the fights, then they really have no reason to hate you. You've apologized so you are trying to mend the friendships, but they have to want that too. Try talking to the friend who is still friends with them to see if they have any insight into what happened or what you could try next. "My best friend is friends with someone who I hate with all of my life, and lately they have been gossiping and being mean to me.
I feel like it is bad to feel the way I do, because when I confront them about it, my best friend says I should stop being mean and to stop blaming her new best friend for everything. They even started a ton of drama about it and most of my friends got mad at me, for something they made up. The girl I dislike apologized but I know she doesn't like it when I talk to her." ..."
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