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A lot of the questions I receive regarding confidence have the same answer. “Why do some situations overwhelm me?” “Why do I mess things up with the women I’m most attracted to?” “How do I get her to like me?” These questions are rooted in the same issue: You’re not comfortable with yourself. Specifically, when you face a person or situation that triggers a large quantity of emotion in your body, you interpret this burst of energy as bad.
You might tell yourself you feel awkward, nervous, or uncomfortable, but you’re sending yourself the same message: “This energy is bad. Part of me is bad. Something is wrong with me.” This is the message that subconsciously gets sent to everyone who sees you when you feel overwhelmed and attempt to “play it cool”. Achieving greater confidence involves reversing your interpretation of that energy.
It shouldn’t be difficult once you realize what you’re giving up either. In fact, it’s quite damning to refer to that burst of emotion as awkward or uncomfortable.That tension is your power! If you attempt to dampen and hide your emotions around others then they’ll trust you less and raise their walls higher. They can’t feel you and so they feel less comfortable around you.
If you look someone in the eye while being vulnerable with that tension that we all feel then they’ll usually open up more. This is the root of sexuality. Men will often try to mute their sexual feelings to avoid making anyone uncomfortable. This leads to awkward, frustrated attempts to express interest after a period of perceived friendliness. The woman feels creeped out and the guy doesn’t feel like women could ever find him attractive. A man must look at a woman while being fully vulnerable with the sexual feelings and tension she makes him feel in his body (deep breaths really help).
A small percentage of women will do this for a guy first and make him feel comfortable being sexual. Most won’t. You usually have to put your emotions out there first with the confidence that your okay. You have to take some deep breaths and look someone in the eye as if to say, “I’m feeling all of these crazy feelings right now, and it’s okay.
I’m okay. I can handle it. It’s exhilarating and it feels amazing. Thank you for the experience.” At this point, she can join you in the flirtation and give you a look that makes the sexual tension jump higher. Or she can close up and give you the signal to stop being vulnerable with your emotions with her. If you never put your feelings out there though, then you’re just waiting for the women who have the courage to put themselves out there and flirt with you first.
If you don’t look at a woman with that feeling of interest present in your body then she’ll never feel any sexual tension with you. “Making eye contact while attempting to hide your emotions is worthless.” This is a process of telling yourself that it’s okay to be the way you were made. It’s okay that certain people trigger a lot of emotion in you.
You should enjoy feelings you were meant to enjoy. It’s okay to be vulnerable with those feelings as long as you listen to and respect the other person’s response to them. You’re awesome and you deserve to share yourself with others. We attract people and situations that trigger overwhelming levels of emotion when we’re ready for that challenge. It’s an opportunity to learn to handle more energy, or learn to draw stronger boundaries around certain people or situations.
The next time that burst of energy hits you don’t run from it. Don’t jump into your head and start thinking unhealthy thoughts. Don’t try to take action like a robot. Making eye contact while attempting to hide your emotions is worthless. Instead, take some deep breaths and stop demonizing your power. Take another breath and step into it. Feel it as strongly as you can and tell yourself that you’re alright. Start by looking people in the eye while being as vulnerable as possible with that “nervous” emotional energy You’ll be amazed by the responses you receive when you’re comfortable with all of yourself and sharing that fearlessly.
Allow people to feel you and your social and sexual confidence issues will disappear. , I outlined the mechanism through which our brains “magically” connect us to one another and detailed the main ways that our ego interrupts this process. I recommend you start there if you haven’t already.
In short though, mirror neurons emotionally bond us without us doing ANYTHING while our ego castrates them through analysis, judgement, and control. With that out of the way, now we can talk solutions. Now we can reclaim that magic! Fortunately for us, each isolating outburst of the ego has a corresponding “antidote”. These three antidotes can be practiced, just like anything else. Through this practice, we’re able to re-activate our bonding apparatus and reconnect with ourselves (the core of confidence) and everyone else on the planet.
Remember that real bonding happens on an emotional level while analysis, judgement, and control cut us off from that emotional process. Simply put, sometimes our ego decides that our emotions feel too overwhelming for us. When that happens, it employs analysis, judgement, and control to “protect” us from them.
The antidotes then, are three ways in which we reconnect to that emotional process that we’ve previously avoided. Antidote 1: Listen Again, analysis is one of the ways that our ego tries to distract us from our feelings, thereby short-circuiting our natural bonding mechanism.
When this happens, the solution is simple — just listen to the feelings in your body. It’s simple, but as we all know it’s not easy. That voice in our head can be incredibly difficult to silence sometimes, especially when we’re experiencing feelings we’d really prefer not to feel. Those thoughts can be empowering.
They make us feel as though they’re really helping us to solve whatever problem we perceive. We must remember that they’re not helping us. No matter how seductive those thoughts are, they’re simply distracting us from the feelings in our body. All we have to do to reverse this disconnecting process is just listen. Antidote 2: Accept When our ego employs judgement to distract us from our emotions and disconnect us from ourselves and others, all we need to do in response is accept those feelings.
Remember that ANYTHING you’re feeling at the current moment — no matter how gut-wrenching — is the most direct path to greater connection to yourself and others. There are no “good” feelings and “bad” feelings… there’s only connection. Again, it can be extremely difficult to stop judgments from flooding our brain when we decide something is too uncomfortable for us. But the solution is simple: just accept those feelings and give them a corresponding embrace. Antidote 3: Surrender I know… it’s the “s” word — easily one of mens’ least favorite words.
And it’s the reason why most men still struggle with women after roughly five thousand years of us trying to figure it out. We want to be the victorious champions, the conquering heroes! Surrender is definitely not a word associated with our mental perception of how this is supposed to go. We want to control the outcome. Again though, this only ends in further isolation. I’m not talking about surrender in terms of defeat. Instead, we must admit to ourselves that our egos just flat out suck at connection.
We must instead turn that task over to the magical mechanism that’s evolved over billions of years to do the connecting for us! When we’re hit with feelings we deem to be uncomfortable our bodies tense up as a means of control. All we have to do is let go and surrender to those feelings. The final necessary piece that allows you to move from analysis, judgement, and control and into listening, accepting, and surrender is DEEP BREATHS .
As the ego gets anxious your breaths will always become shorter as your lungs constrict. In order to listen, accept, and surrender to the feelings in your body and let your natural bonding apparatus work its magic, deep breaths are necessary. Turning our egos off and allowing our inborn connecting mechanism to do all of the work for is through listening, accepting, and surrendering is simple — but it isn’t easy.
One of the main issues that guys come to me with is that it’s difficult for them to get their heads to be quiet. This issue is typically exasperated when they’re in a situation that causes anxiety, such as a crowded social gathering or seeing someone they’re really attracted to.
It’s also difficult because the difference between being in your head vs in your body isn’t an analytical difference — it’s a feeling. How do you teach someone to ride a bike? You can’t really explain it. You just push them and hope they find that feeling of balance before they fall. Listening, accepting, and surrendering to your feelings is the same thing. The first step is simply learning to identify the feeling of doing it — the feeling you had in all of your best conversations — vs when you’re not.
Because it can be so difficult, I recommend learning to find that LAS feeling in various circumstances. It’s best to begin practicing in the easiest circumstance, and then working your way up the different levels of difficulty as the previous becomes more accessible. Circumstance 1: Meditation There is no easier way to practice quieting your ego and getting more in touch with yourself than when you’re alone, typically in the comfort and safety of home.
I recommend starting with ten minutes in the morning and at night, and working up to fifteen and then twenty minutes as it becomes more natural for you. Simply notice the times when your ego distracts you with analysis, judgement, and control, thank him for the challenge, take deep breaths, and practice finding that feeling.
I can always tell when a client has been slacking on his meditation exercises because his experiences practicing this in all of the other circumstances becomes near impossible.
He’ll complain how his brain wouldn’t stop racing in a social situation the night before. I’ll ask him how his meditation has been going, but I already know the answer. If you can’t find that feeling by yourself, you won’t be able to find it in the company of others and you’ll remain isolated from genuine connection. Circumstance 2: Out in Public Listening, accepting, and surrendering to the feelings in your body becomes considerably more difficult when you encounter other people who are looking at you with their analysis, judgements, and walls of control raised.
If you’ve been finding that LAS feeling successfully in your meditation, then this is your next level of challenge. Every time you encounter another human being you’re either practicing letting your ego run the show or your practicing finding that feeling with the help of deep breaths.
Every time you encounter another human being you’re either getting better or getting worse. All conversations begin with an emotional connection, and you can practice this every time you pass by another person.
You can make eye contact and smile with no emotional connection. Or you can take a deep breath, find that LAS feeling, and make eye contact and smile with the full vulnerability of your feelings behind it. The difference between these two — and the difference in the responses you’ll receive — is astounding.
Circumstance 3: In Conversation Is it getting easier for you to listen, accept, and surrender to your feelings while sharing emotional vulnerability and connection with everyone you encounter? Are you noticing people greeting you with more genuine emotion?
Good! Now it’s time to step up the difficulty. Forming language naturally requires more brain power and makes it more difficult to connect to our feelings. I can’t even say the words “thermonuclear dynamics” without completely disconnecting from the feelings in my body. In every conversation though, you’re either practicing letting your ego run the show, or you’re practicing connecting with yourself and the other person (people) on a deeply emotional level.
It’s natural for you to pop into your head from time to time during a conversation. The question is, how many times can you recover and come back to your feelings? In every conversation you’re either getting better or getting worse.
Practice, practice, practice. You’ll know you’re doing this right when you begin feeling a deeper level of connection with the individuals you’re conversing with. Circumstance 4: With Your Sexuality Our sexual feelings are one of the most difficult things to be comfortable with, and some of the most typical things that cause our ego to take over. The oldest and most popular religious traditions teach that upon gaining consciousness, covering our sexuality was one of the first things humans did.
Seeing someone we find attractive and immediately tensing up, losing our breath, and jumping into our heads is much more common than not. In order to become more comfortable with our sexuality, I recommend putting yourself in a place where your sexual feelings are naturally triggered. This could be the beach, a burlesque show, a yoga class, the gym — basically anywhere where people you find attractive are scantily clad. Once your sexual feelings are triggered, simply practice your meditation.
Deep breaths will be extremely necessary. As you take them, find that LAS feeling. Be aware that your ego will try to distract you and many of the feelings that come up can be uncomfortable. Just listen, just accept, just surrender, and let your body’s natural means of connection take over. Just don’t be surprised when you notice women checking you out as you do so.
This is all incredibly simple. Again though, it’s difficult. It will typically take 1-3 weeks of trying to find the LAS feeling in different circumstances before you’ll notice differences in how people respond. It can sound like a lot in our society of instant-gratification. However, when you consider that you’re undoing a lifetime of ego programming it’s not that bad.
Once it starts to click though, everything becomes so simple you’ll wonder why you ever had any trouble with this in the first place. Deep, lasting confidence and instant connections with everyone isn’t a mystery. It’s our natural way of being. All we have to do is let go and let nature take over, . According to an ancient Hindu legend, there was once a time when all human beings were Gods.
But they abused their power and so Brahma, the chief God, decided to take it and hide it in a place where it could never be found. He decided to hold a council of the Gods to help him decide the best spot. “Let’s bury it deep in the earth,” said the Gods. Brahma answered, “No, that will not do. Humans will dig into the earth and find it.” “Okay, let’s sink it in the deepest ocean then,” replied the Gods. But Brahma said, “No, not there. For they will learn to dive and they will find it.” Then the Gods said, “What about the highest mountain top, out in the farthest corner of earth?” But again Brahma replied, “No, that will not do either.
They will eventually climb every mountain, scale every peak, and once again take up their divinity.” The rest of the Gods were exasperated. They threw up their arms in surrender. “There is no place!” they hollered. “The humans will proliferate, and they will find it anywhere we put it.” Brahma was quiet for a time. He thought long and deep. Finally he looked up at the rest of the Gods with a knowing twinkle in his eye. “Here is what we shall do,” he said.
“We will hide their divinity deep down in the one place they will never look – the very center of their own being.” The rest of the Gods rejoiced. Of course! It was the perfect place! They all formally agreed on it, and the deed was done. Ages passed, and since that time humans have been on a desperate and unending search — travelling every corner of the planet, digging, diving, climbing, and exploring – for the one thing they know they’ve lost… something already within themselves.
In my thirteen years coaching men on their dating lives, I’ve heard a lot of the same questions asked over and over. “How do I talk to women?” “What do I say?” “How do I get her to like me?” “How do I make more friends?” “How do I flirt?” “How can I be more confident?” If you’re reading this now, it’s probably safe to assume that you’ve asked at least one of these questions — either to yourself or someone else.
If you’ve ever asked one of these questions, chances are you’ve gotten the wrong answer. Why? Because you’re asking the wrong question. What if I told you that you have mechanisms in your brain which build the strongest bonds in the known universe — both platonic and romantic — with every human being on the planet? What if I told you these magical brain mechanisms works without you having to do ANYTHING — just like your heartbeat?
I’m not talking about the kinds of connections where you talk about sports, collaborate in business, or chase women or whatever. I’m talking about the kinds of connections that are the number one determining factor in your overall happiness.
I’m talking about the kind of connections that — if we don’t have them — are the leading cause of addiction, depression, anxiety, and suicide. If we have this magical connecting thing inside of us, why do we still feel lonely and disconnected from others? It’s a good question, and one that nearly every human being has asked himself at one point or another.
Before I answer the “why”, let me first identify these mechanisms: The first magical part of our brain that I’ve been referring to is our collection of mirror neurons (the largest amount carried of any species in the known universe by a long-shot). In short, our mirror neurons fire when someone in our periphery exhibits some emotion or behavior. This triggers the release of brain chemicals that cause us to feel the same feelings and behave in similar ways as the person we’ve observed (Preston & Waal, Decety, Gallese), with yawning being the most accessible example of this .
An emotional bond forms whenever we empathize with — or feel the same feelings as — another person. Our mirror neurons automatically do this for us. The second mechanism in the brain which “magically” bonds us with other living things is the release of oxytocin when we make prolonged eye contact ( Uväs-Moberg) or share physical contact (Field).
For the unaware, oxytocin makes us feel bonded to others. Combine a shot of that with the emotional connection provided by your mirror neurons and voilá, you’ve got the strongest bond in the known universe, courtesy of your brain.
Of course, it’s not that simple. Try to stare into a stranger’s eyes and touch them and more often than not you’ll be met with hostility. Usually we need to allow first our mirror neurons to do some emotional harmonizing before another person will feel comfortable allowing themselves to become more bonded with another person.
But again, if our mirror neurons do this automatically for us then why do most of us still feel so disconnected? That answer is where things start to get difficult for us. The reason why our magical bonding mechanisms seems to be broken more often than not is that we’re not using them.
Why? Because our brains kind of suck at multitasking. When we’re tapping into our problem-solving abilities (“How do I achieve x?”) or other more analytical brain processes, it’s almost impossible to let that magical bonding process occur at the same time.
It’s like that advice you’ve heard but never quite understood: you “get the girl” when you stop trying to get the girl. Men in particular struggle with this. The mirror neuron system in women, on average, is more active than ours.
Additionally, it’s easier for women, on average, to multitask (Brizendine). On other words, it’s typically easier for a woman to tackle a logical problem one minute and emotionally connect the next than it is for us. This is all relative though. While former UFC champion Ronda Rousey would still lose a fight against similarly trained male fighters, she’d still kick most guys’ asses on the planet. The biggest block for us in achieving deep emotional connections is societal conditioning.
Girls are often encouraged to develop emotional intelligence and connections from a young age. Boys, on the other hand, are often punished for being emotional and rewarded solely for their analytical and athletic prowess. It can be said that girls get love when they emote, while boys get love by figuring stuff out and accomplishing. It’s no surprise that men then spend their adult lives logically trying to figure out how to get love (and why 99% of the dating advice we receive is analytical and doomed to fail.) If there’s one thing that my work with thousands of men has taught me, it’s that despite these hurdles we face, any man can re-develop his ability to share these deep connections that we’re all dying for.
In order to teach men to access that magical part of themselves and connect with anyone, I like to start by highlighting the ways which our analytical brain regularly cuts us off from these mechanisms. There are three overarching ways in which our brain isolates us from others despite our best attempts to connect: • Analyzing/figuring out “What should I do?” “What should I say?” “What does this mean?” Here’s a hint, whatever answer your analysis gives you is incomplete or just flat out wrong (typically infected with your fears and insecurities.) Moreso, while you’re thinking about something you believe is helpful, you’re actually just shutting down your magical connecting device because thinking about something is easier than emotional intimacy.
• Judgement It starts with us: “I’m not good enough for them.” “I’m too good for them.” “I’m a weirdo.” Then, that judgement is projected outward: “She’s an asshole.” “Those people suck.” “This is stupid.” It’s all the same though, just isolating us further from others because that voice in our head (aka, our ego) knows it’s much safer that way.
• Defensiveness/Control Most of us walk around most of the day with our guards up. We try to manage the responses from those around us in order to achieve what we believe to be the optimal result.
You can’t blame us. When we put ourselves out there emotionally and we’re punished for it by the unpredictable responses of others (as in our childhood) it really hurts. However, those walls we create around ourselves only serve to isolate us further. They make us feel like no one understands us, no one could possibly get us, and that we really are alone. Why does that voice in our head (ego) seem so intent on keeping us miserable?
That answer is easy when you consider it’s primary function: safety and security. Want to have food available and a quality roof over your head for the foreseeable future? Your advanced analytical capabilities have that covered. Want to create the most prosperous society in the history of the world?
All hail analytical thinking! But when it comes to happiness and connection, that voice straight-up sucks. Not on purpose, he just wants to keep you safe and secure. There’s nothing scarier to him than the unknown, and there’s nothing more spontaneous, more unpredictable, and more chaotic than our emotions.
Our ego is terrified of his unpredictable, emotional, free-loving neighbor. So he attempts to figure out how to analyze, judge, and control him to try to prevent any embarrassing outbursts. He tries, but he fails miserably — repressed emotions become unstable emotions.
He’s not completely wrong though. Sometimes there are people we’re better off keeping a distance from. But at this time in history — as we prescribe more drugs to combat depression and spend more time staring at glowing screens than into others’ eyes — we arguably need that connection more than ever.
It’s time to take some risks before it’s too late. So how do we overcome five-thousand years of conditioning, achieve harmony in our brain, and enjoy the deep connections we were meant to? Most people suck at flirting. There are some cultures where the majority of individuals do not suck at flirting, but most people don’t come from those cultures.
If it were just you, it’d be your fault — but it’s not. It’s the fault of a culture that gives a detailed education on how to look sexy or even act in specific sexy ways (talk like this, say that), but fails to teach us how to be a sexual person. This leads to a disconnect between a person’s “sexual side” and the person they are around others most of the time. “I didn’t feel comfortable flirting because my/their friends were there.” “I didn’t feel comfortable flirting because it was at work and I need to act professionally.” Does this look shameful to you?
These statements, which I hear all the time, reveal a warped understanding of what flirting actually entails. Due to the sexual shame we carry, sexual feelings are often muddled with what I’ll call confusing feelings.
Because these confusing feelings are so often partnered with our attempts to flirt, before we can even talk about what sexual communication is, we have to first untangle the mess of what it isn’t. The first confusing feeling people associate with flirting is anxiety. When our bodies begin to feel more turned on by our environment this often triggers anxiety (again, due to sexual shame) and we often compensate by thinking more.
We’ll run through thoughts of how we should act or what the other person is thinking — but all this is really doing is distracting us from our feelings. Instead of communicating appreciation for our sexual feelings, we’re only communicating anxiety.
This naturally makes others feel less comfortable around us and sends us the signal, “my sexual feelings make others uncomfortable”. The second confusing feeling people associate with flirting is insecurity. As I’ll discuss in greater detail in an upcoming article, most of us aren’t enjoying enough sexual intimacy — whether emotional or physical. When human beings don’t get our basic needs met, we don’t feel secure… it’s not surprising that people who are looking for sexual intimacy from a place of insecurity — or perceived scarcity — are described as “thirsty.” When we’re communicating our own feelings of lacking more than our sexual feelings, the words “slut” and “creep” are tossed out most often.
The final confusing feeling commonly associated with flirting is expectation. Like anxiety, this feeling that’s often confused with sexuality stems from your tendency to jump into your head to avoid your feelings. Instead of our thoughts being self-conscious, thoughts stemming from expectation become a personal fantasy revolving around what you’re going to do with this person.
Your “flirting” isn’t representative of the feelings of the moment, but rather of your fantasy. This can make the other person feel overwhelmed by your feelings, since they’re disproportionate to the moment. When both individuals do this to each other it typically leads to relationships that start hot and end disastrously. Now that we’re clear on what flirting isn’t, we can finally talk about what it is. When we’re around certain people our bodies involuntarily create sexual feelings.
When we’re not repressing or muddling those feelings in the ways described above, these feelings are some of the most pleasureable feelings on the planet. I’ve exchanged nothing more than eye contact that was more pleasurable than a lot of the sex I’ve had. When a guy asks me why I didn’t get her number, he’s missing the point. The first step toward becoming an amazing flirt is to simply enjoy the beautiful feelings others inspire in your body for their own sake without anxiety, insecurity, or expectation.
You must become more aware of the confusing feelings that try to derail this natural process, and practice brushing the thoughts they create away. Then, simply return to enjoying the pleasure buffet that God/nature has spent billions of years preparing for you.
Sexual turn-on isn’t the only feeling to be in touch with and enjoy though. When we truly turn our attention toward the feelings inspired by others, there’s an inherent sense of awe present as well.
There’s the basic awe of another human being — who’s filled up with all the same feelings, thoughts, and demons — climbing up their own mountain in life. There’s beauty in someone’s comfort with themselves, in their kindness, in their adventurous spirit, in the light of their eyes, in the dazzle of a genuine smile, in the way someone’s outfit highlights them, in the sound of a voice, in vulnerable dorkiness… and a million different things that are particular to every person. “This is the life, and the world we were all meant to enjoy.” The best flirts recognize that there is inherent beauty in every single human being.
They don’t start by evaluating whether another person is up to their standards before determining whether or not they’re worthy of taking pleasure from, but rather they find beauty everywhere. When you put “objective hotness” on a pedestal because it kind of feels good to say that other people aren’t in your league, all you’re doing is denying yourself an ocean of available pleasure and ensuring that you’ll suck at flirting.
While the first step to being sexy is to simply enjoy the amazing feelings inspired by the endless beauty around you, the second step is to share those appreciative feelings.
This can be scary, especially after a lifetime of cultural programming and past flirting experiences being loaded with the common pitfalls we discussed above. All you’re doing though, however, is saying “thank you.” “Thank you for the feeling of awe. Thank you for the feelings inspired by your beauty. Thank you for having the courage to put yourself out there and share that beauty when we’ve all been hurt/shamed for doing so.
Thank you.” A smile is the most basic way to share this appreciation. As I discuss at length in As You Are, communication starts and ends with your feelings. A forced smile will always be awkward. You can’t be thinking about the best way to share something. You must be connected to your sexual feelings and the gratitude you have for those feelings. When you do that, your appreciation comes beaming through every part of your face. As people become more intimate the feelings shared often mutually evolve from, “I really appreciate the way you’re making me feel,” to “I want you,” “I want to be on you” etc.
At its most basic level though, flirting is just saying “thank you”. All of this knowledge won’t make it any easier to actually start flirting with people when you’re not used to doing it. That will always be hard/scary.
But just try it for one day. Take the time to really pay attention to what you find beautiful around you. Be almost like a treasure hunter looking for it. Be aware of thoughts that try to distract you from your feelings and refocus your attention on enjoying them.
Give yourself permission to check out another person — not with any anxiety, insecurity, or expectation, but rather just with appreciation. If they “catch you,” simply say “thank you” with a smile and your genuine gratitude behind it. If the majority of people are still replying to your appreciation with discomfort or awkwardness, then it’s most likely still laced with too much anxiety, insecurity, or expectation.
In this case hold off on sharing your appreciation for now and simply practice enjoying the feelings inspired by others for their own sake while quieting the thoughts in your brain. While it might be difficult at first, this practice will rewire the neural pathways in your brain and become easier until your sexual system is running as it was meant to.
Once you can share your feelings without your thoughts twisting them you’ll become so accustomed to positive responses from people that the rare times your appreciation is met with discomfort, you’ll know that it’s because of their stuff and not yours (nothing wrong with that, we’ve all got stuff). It’s difficult to describe how the world changes when you see the way that most people react to your unadulterated sexuality (aka, your expressed appreciation for them).
However, I think a recent past client sums it up nicely: “There was a pretty Mexican architect named Veronica at the airport, then serious sexual tension with Jennifer, our flight attendant, on the way home. Then Shaelee at the gym, and Mason at the store tonight when I got back home. I literally can’t believe it. I’m chatting up and flirting with women everywhere, and loving every damned minute of it. I felt more engaged while talking to a male friend of mine at the gym tonight, too.
I feel like the best way to describe it is that a door has opened that has allowed me to exchange more love with other people, and how can that do anything but make a person feel happy?” This is the life, and the world we were all meant to enjoy.
We can, and should all do our part to make it a reality by simply beginning our interactions with a thank you. It was the Saturday night of my latest workshop — 12:30am (a half hour left in our last night) to be exact — and one of my clients said he needed to talk.
We step aside and he tells me he’s having a bad time — not enjoying himself, not getting the kind of results in his interactions that he wanted. This would be a lot of coaches’ worst nightmare. Instead of freaking out, I manage to talk to him about everything calmly for 5 minutes (ok, so I wasn’t calm the entire time).
After that talk, he was the most popular guy at the bar (I extended our night to closing time). Everyone was loving his company and, most importantly, he was telling me how much he was enjoying himself. As the bar closed he had a decision to make.. take things further with the cute little southern belle that had him pressed against the fence (we love our patios in Austin), or join us for food across the street.
It was kind of like this Fortunately for us, she wasn’t his type. So what did I say to him that night? To find out, simply buy my book. 😉 Seriously though, it wasn’t anything magic. You’ve probably heard it before in some form or another. But when we’re uncomfortable, other messages swarm our brain and do their best to discredit those perfectly good ideas.
Now, every person is going through things a little differently at different times, and so what I said to my client that night was personally tailored to his situation — to the messages that swarmed his brain.. But in general you could break what I said up into two main themes: 1. Base your definition of success of success on things you can control. If your definition of success is based on your ability to control the weather, you’re going to have a bad time.
Not only will you consider yourself a failure, but you’ll question yourself. Your confidence will suffer further as you wonder why you can’t succeed. Of course, you were setting yourself up for failure. When we base our ideas of success — our happiness, our confidence — on things outside of our control, we’re dooming ourselves to misery.
I have yet to meet a fully functional adult who can’t grasp this idea, and yet, when we’re getting blasted by our insecurities, it’s hard not to get upset if the person you like doesn’t like you back, or if the person you want to talk to doesn’t want to talk to you. But this is childish thinking, the world doesn’t revolve around us. Whether or not that person wants to talk to/date us has for more to do with things outside of our control (are they single?
Are they having a good day? etc.) then has to do with us. We can choose to entertain that immature reality but that’s our choice. When we choose to dwell on those feelings any more than momentarily we are choosing misery. Instead, our definition of success should be based on the only thing we can control, ourselves.
Did we put our best self out there? Success, regardless of what kind of mood the other person is in. If you don’t celebrate every small step forward and allow yourself to feel good about every little success you’ll never move forward. 2. If you can’t simply enjoy connecting with people you’ll always be miserable.
“ I’m an introvert!” my client exclaimed when I asked him why he wasn’t enjoying his interactions. It doesn’t matter. I’m an introvert. I need my quiet alone time. But every human being on the planet still needs to connect with other human beings. We require it for our overall health and happiness. We often get so wrapped up in what we want more of — dates, sex, intimacy — that we forget to simply enjoy connecting emotionally with another human being.
It’s the baseline. It’s the starting point. You must enjoy that conversation — that connection — so much that you forget about everything else you wanted. That’s the only consistent way to chase away the perfectly normal human impulse to want more. Again though, it’s a choice. If you can’t simply enjoy even the briefest human connections you encounter then you will never be happy.
You’ll never sleep with enough women, never go on enough dates, all while requiring more and more to not feel miserable. But if you can get so caught up in the moment with someone that you forget about the rest, the rest becomes easy.
Most importantly though, you enjoy your social and dating life the way you were meant to. That’s all my client did that Saturday night. He already had all the tools. He drilled them the two previous afternoons with my female assistants. I removed his ability to use the excuse, “I don’t know how”, because I watched him do it right. It wasn’t a question of ability, he just had to flip this one little switch and he was unstoppable.
When I go out, sometimes I run into someone I’m attracted to, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes she likes me back, sometimes he doesn’t. Sometimes our personalities click, sometimes they don’t. Sometime’s we’re both single, sometimes we’re not. Sometimes we’re both well rested and in good moods, sometimes we’re not… If my happiness depends on any of that I’m screwed. Am I putting my best self out there? Am I enjoying even the briefest of human connections as much as possible?
Then I’m going to have a great day/night/date/work event/life. Are you choosing to be happy or miserable? You can keep being frustrated over not getting the results you want or you can flip the switch.
Either way though, you can’t complain because the choice was yours.
best nick sparks dating coach - New York's Best Dating Coach
• December 19, 2016 • October 26, 2016 • October 26, 2016 • October 23, 2016 • October 23, 2016 • July 23, 2016 • June 15, 2016 • May 18, 2016 • May 18, 2016 • May 18, 2016 • May 18, 2016 • May 18, 2016 • May 18, 2016 • May 18, 2016 • May 18, 2016 • May 18, 2016 • May 18, 2016 • May 18, 2016 • May 18, 2016 • May 18, 2016 A List of the Best Dating Coaches for Guys I’ve made this list of Best Dating Coaches because I know that some of you are looking for a top notch dating coach.
Reading the material, watching the videos, that’s all great and you learn a lot but sometimes that’s just not enough. You realize that you need an actual person to guide you, to answer your questions. Someone who will not let you quit, someone who will help you be the best you can be around women. Some will join a or a seminar, but you want the one on one experience. You want a coach that will listen only to you, a coach that will find that specific way to help just you.
Also, you might be more comfortable without other guys around. The whole thing is intimidating as it is. So, I’ve listed here 11 well known coaches. I’ve included the type of coaching, the location, the length and the price. I listed them according to the price they charge for their services, starting with the cheapest.
I hope you find one that suits you. • Sparks of Attraction (Nick Sparks) The type of coaching: one on one coaching, phone call, skype or google hangout. (You can choose to work with Nick himself or with coaches he recommends). The location: one on one coaching in the USA.
The length: one hour phone call, one on one coaching ranges from one hour to 3 day weekend. The price: Nick charges $95 for an hour long phone call. The other coaches’ prices vary from $50 per hour to $1300. One on one coaching: The coaches’ prices vary from $100 per hour to $7000. • Major League Dating (Marc Summers) The type of coaching: phone call or skype. The length: you can choose between 30 minutes, an hour, two hours, three hours or five hours. The price: $35 for 30 minutes, $100 for an hour, $180 for two hours, $250 for 3 hours and $400 for 5 hours.
• Venusian Arts The type of coaching: phone call or skype. The length: you can choose between 30 minutes and a full hour. The price: $29.95 for 20 minutes, $221 for the full hour. • Sasha PUA The type of coaching: phone call or skype.
The length: undisclosed. The price: $125 We use this field to detect spam bots. If you fill this in, you will be marked as a spammer. Download now We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time. • Black Dragon The type of coaching: phone calls, IM, skype, email. The length: 30 minutes The price: $147 • Nick Notas The type of coaching: phone calls, skype, one on one. The length: free 20 minutes. The price: undisclosed • Yad Daygame The type of coaching: skype, one on one, total immersion.
The length: 1 hour on skype, 8 hour coaching, 16 hour s coaching, 1 week immersion. The price: £135 for skype, £750 for one day – 8 hours, £1,400 for 2 Days – 16 hours.
Immersion undisclosed. • Style life (Neil Strauss) The type of coaching:phone calls The length: 4 one hour calls over the course of four weeks. The price: $500 for coaching calls with Evolve ($125 per hour). You can also have phone sessions with Styles. The cost is undisclosed. You’ll get the info once you contact him.
• David Wygant The type of coaching: phone call, email, a coaching program and a one on one weekend. The length: one hour phone call, 3 emails or unlimited email exchange for one month, one month coaching program and two and a half days weekend. The price: $300 for a one hour phone call, $99 for 3 emails, $597 for unlimited exchange of emails for one month, $1,995 for the coaching program and $20,000 for the weekend.
• The Modern Man The type of coaching: phone call (Cell phone, home phone, Facetime or Skype.) The length: you can choose between 30 minutes and a full hour. The price: $297 for 30 minutes, $447 for the full hour.
• Brad P The type of coaching: one on one coaching, phone call. You can sign up for a free consultation. The location: one on one coaching in the USA, London and Australia The length: one hour phone call, 8 hours one on one coaching. The price: $447 per hour phone call with Brad , $247 per hour phone call with a Brad P.
Certified Coach . $2,497 for the coaching by one of Brad’s coaches. If you want to be coached by Brad, you have to email to find out the cost. • Aura transformation (Dr.
David Tian) The type of coaching: Private 1:1 Coaching, Phone and Skype, email. The location: Singapore. The length: personal coaching: minimum one day (8 hours). One hour phone call, 3 e-mail Package + follow up, 10 E-mail Package+ follow up. The price: $497 for one hour of phone or skype coaching, $997 for 3 One-hour Phone or Skype coaching, $497 for 3 e-mail Package, $997 for 10 e-mail Package, $10,000 for one day personal coaching.
• Love Systems The type of coaching: one on one coaching, phone call, text, email. The location: one on one coaching in the USA. The length: 8 hours one on one coaching. The rest is undisclosed. The price: undisclosed. You’ll get the info once you contact them. • Bad boy life style The type of coaching: one on one VIP coaching. The location: Zagreb, Croatia. The length: 2 days minimum. The price: € 600 per day. • The Attractive Man The type of coaching: one on one VIP coaching.
The location: more than 37 countries The length: undisclosed. they custom tailor a program to get you dating the women you want… The price: a free consultation over the phone. the amount is undisclosed. If you know of any other great one on one coaches, please let me know.
Wow, hard to believe that Nick and I have been co-conspirators for almost a decade now! That gem of a photo up above dates back to 2008, when we were in the thick of our coaching misadventures. For those who don’t know the history, Nick Sparks is the author of the recently released bestselling book, , which hit #1 in it’s Amazon categories in less than 24 hours of it’s launch.
He’s also one of the most infamous and sought-after men’s coaches in the world, and I managed to corner him and get you backstage for the book launch. Man, the book launch is blowing up… it’s ranking tops in Amazon, and the reviews have been nothing short of exceptional. How are you feeling about this? It’s amazing. I mean, my work has been validated enough through all the success I’ve had coaching, but to be able to help such a dramatically wider group of men — many who weren’t able to afford coaching with me — has simply been incredible.
I feel incredibly fortunate to have such a positive effect on so many lives. Yeah, I’m excited to think about all the guys who’ll be learning from you for the first time! You’ve been working on this book for about 3 years… why did it take you so long?
That’s a good question. It’s almost hard to believe that it’s been that long, but the calendar doesn’t lie. The reason it’s taken so long is that this is really my life’s work — the questions I’ve been asking myself since adolescence and what I’ve dedicated my life to this past decade — and I couldn’t settle for anything less than perfect. The first time I wrote everything down that had previously only been in my head and taught in my workshops, it was like this mental block had been lifted.
With everything down on paper my brain no longer had to hold it all and it was suddenly free to start thinking about everything from a fresh perspective. Then I had to edit the book again. Then I’d have some series of experiences that would change my perspective on everything, and I’d have to edit it all again. I can’t count the number of times I did this, but it was all worth it… I couldn’t be happier with the finished product.
Speaking of finished product – what surprises you the most about the book… something that made it in there that you weren’t even thinking about 3 years ago? Oh man, so many things. I barely understood what holding space was 3 years ago, let alone be able to articulate it.
That was one of those ideas where I was like, “I know there’s something there” — and I could talk about it in a round-about way, but it took awhile to be able to really unpack it fully. The same could be said for the meat of the sexual stuff — easy to talk around, tough to nail down. Same goes for the core idea that runs through this book: letting go of the outcome and staying with the feelings of the moment.
It’s something that you’ve heard before, but to actually align it with every aspect of what you teach is another thing altogether. I’d think I was finished and then read through the book again and say, “no, that doesn’t match up with this principle… what am I missing?” Honestly, this list could include aspects of the majority of the book.
You dedicate the book to your alumni. Your fans are loyal to a degree rarely seen in our industry. What have you done for them that other dating coaches and writers haven’t?
I’m just a real person. I don’t bullshit them, I respect their intelligence, I treat them like I would like to be treated. I mean, it’s not hard to love these guys. I’ve heard coaches talk about how they can’t stand the people they work with and I think it goes back to what you put out. If you put out shit in order to turn a profit, you’re not going to be working with the highest caliber of guy. If you put out stuff that you truly believe in, then you’re going to attract similarly minded people.
That’s it really: I care about them, respect them and their ideas, and they know it. Ok, so let’s drop some wisdom to the guys who haven’ yet worked with you… and I’m going to start with a cliche question… what’s one of your very best tips for a guy who wants to be better with women? Realize that asking that question will never get you the results that you want.
It’s not about being better with women, it’s being better with people and better with yourself. How many great friends do you have? How often do you interact with strangers, man or woman? If you treat a woman you’re attracted to any differently than you would anyone else, she can smell that a mile away.
If you can’t have a great conversation with a stranger who doesn’t intimidate you, how in the world can you ever hope to have one with someone who does?
If you can’t beat the game on “easy mode”, why in the world would you even try to play it on “hard”? Work on yourself, and practice developing relationships with people. Women will simply be a by-product. For sure… and that makes me think of another question (to which I think I know your answer!). A lot of my readers find me because they’re looking for that one special girl. Do you have some words of wisdom for them?
Yes. Enjoy the living shit out of your life. I can promise you that the right woman will not come along until you’re at a place where you couldn’t be any happier with your single life… where you wouldn’t trade it for anything (until you meet her). Sure, you’ll meet a lot of the wrong women before then, but it won’t be until you feel like you couldn’t be happier in your life that a woman who makes you re-think that will come along.
You’ve helped a lot of guys overcome bad habits they acquired from studying pickup artists. What are some of the biggest mistakes these guys make?
I’ve said it before, guys who were heavily into the pickup artist stuff were always my toughest clients. The reason being is that that’s a school of thought that emphasizes being in your head — constantly focused on the outcome, constantly focused on some line or technique to remember or what to say and do during a conversation.
Meanwhile, the stuff I teach stresses the exact opposite. It’s hard enough to be present in a conversation with a woman you’re attracted to, but coming from a school of thought that teaches you to be more in your head makes it damn near impossible. It’s hard enough to simply enjoy an interaction with a beautiful woman without worrying about the outcome.
Coming from a school of thought that emphasizes the lay as the ultimate success, again, makes it that much more difficult. You’ve helped a LOT of guys overcome the curse of the pickup artists. What’s your favorite success story so far?
Lol, well it’s hard for my mind not to jump to one of my last clients, I guy who had never kissed a girl who ended up getting an hj under the table at one of the bars we’d frequent… I felt bad for the cleaning crew. But honestly, the guys’ whose success made the biggest impact on me were the guys who society said couldn’t be attractive to women.
The guys with stutters, the guy in a wheelchair, the guy who was blind, the guy who had cerebral palsy. These are guys who had been told their entire lives that they’re better off not even trying, written off and swept under the rug by other coaches. Hell, I even doubted my own ability to help them. But somehow, some way, they refused to give up.
They took the hand that life dealt them and said, “sorry, I’m not going to settle”. I don’t know how their did it, and I wish I had a fraction of their resilience… but those are the guys who made the biggest impact on my life. They’re the ones who inspire me. Speaking of inspiration, what’s next for you? Ah, dammit. You had to ask this question. That’s tough, because I’m not even sure.
After coaching for a decade and answering all of the questions about dating that I had set out to answer, I no longer have the same passion for the work and have decided to step away from it for the moment. What I can say for sure is that I’ll be working on the next phase of my own self development.
In one of the last chapters of the book I asked the question: “What do you love to do?”, and I kept referencing nature as an option. I might as well have been speaking to myself because spending more time in the outdoors has definitely been calling me. It’s been no secret that successful long-term romantic relationships have never been my strongest suit, so I definitely plan on taking some time to understand the ins and outs of those much more thoroughly.
We’ll see. This world is full of never-ending challenges. I may have pieced together one puzzle, now it’s time to figure out which one I want to tackle next. We’ll probably have to wait for my next book to completely answer this question. You can find Nick’s bestselling book on dating and social dynamics, As You Are, on Amazon.Com. And until October 13, you can buy it for a special launch price of 99 cents.
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