10 Signs He’s Keeping His Options Open. Almost Relationships In fact, he might be using all that time away from you to flirt with someone else. A guy who doesn’t treat you like you’re important isn’t worth dating anyway, but it could also be more evidence that he’s just playing with you until he finds someone more worthy of his time. He isn’t even shy about flirting with other girls. If he’s hitting on the bartender right in front of your face or hangs out with his ex on the regular, it’s time to wake up and realize that he doesn’t even care that you know what his real motives are.
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Thanks for visiting! I am a very young 79-year-old woman. I lost my husband nineteen months ago and have been seeing a friend who also lost his spouse four years ago. We knew each other when both spouses were living. Our involvement during our first six months together was friendly dating. Then he came to visit me in Florida (we were living in different states) and ended up in my bed.
I thought we would have an exclusive relationship, but when he went home, it turned out he was dating another woman I was not aware of when he had sex with me. He was not sleeping with her, but it hurt me deeply and we decided to just be friends. Well, now I am back where he lives and we spend a couple days a week together and are very sexually drawn to each other. I know we are just good friends and it will be nothing more. I also know he sees the other woman and, while they may not have been having sex, deep down I think it’s her he cares for.
When I’m with him, he’s very caring and generous, so part of me says why not be happy as long as I know it will never be anything more. The other part of me says why am I doing this and that, while I hope this isn’t true, I think he’s enjoying the sex too much. He says that he doesn’t date me for sex and that he cares about me.
How did I get to be so stupid and why can’t I just walk away? — Looking For More First, I’m sorry about the loss of your husband, and I hope you’ve had a good support system as you grieve and re-build your life.
Second, your letter is a good reminder, to those of us who don’t yet have the years of experience and wisdom you’ve surely gained, that many of the feelings we have when single and dating are universal, despite age, circumstances, culture, and lifestyle.
And so, my advice to you is the same as it would be for someone fifty years younger: If what you want isn’t what you’re getting, you need to decide if what you’re getting is worth sacrificing what you want. It sounds like what you want is a committed partnership and what you’re getting is more of a situation (that’s Friends With Benefits, if you aren’t up on the acronyms).
A FWB can be great. It provides intimacy and companionship without the strings of commitment. It works for people who aren’t looking for a relationship but still want to enjoy sex with someone whom they enjoy spending non-sexual time with, too.
And there are lots of reasons someone might not be looking for a “real” relationship — maybe they just got out of one, maybe they’re raising young children and want to focus mostly on that, maybe they have very demanding careers that require a lot of time and energy, maybe they travel a lot and want to be free to explore relationships in difference places.
But it doesn’t matter what other people want or what their motivations are. It matters what YOU want, and it matters what you want in relation to what you’re getting. It doesn’t even matter why your man friend is sleeping with you while not agreeing to be anything more than good friends. What matters is that you want more. You’re not getting more, so you have to look at what you ARE getting and decide whether it’s worth the sacrifice of what you really want (which you could potentially find with someone else).
You could keep looking for that something more while also continuing your casual sexual relationship with the guy you’re seeing (just as it seems he might be doing), but if that doesn’t feel right to you, don’t do that.
Don’t be seduced by the times you’re with the guy and he’s being caring and generous and you feel happy. Don’t be seduced by 30% or 40% or even 60%, when what you want is 100%.
I can imagine — or maybe I can’t, really — how lonely it must feel to lose a spouse. I can appreciate wanting to fill the void with someone new — to feel cared for again in the way a spouse cares for you.
I hope you find that again. But it’s important to remember that no one will ever love you exactly the same way your spouse did. That doesn’t mean you won’t be loved as much or as deeply, but it won’t be the same because the person won’t be the same, and your relationship won’t be the same.
This is both heartbreaking and exciting. And just in case you are looking for something like you shared with your husband, I want to leave you with this: Your next love probably won’t look like your previous love.
I don’t mean that just in the physical sense. I mean that in every sense. So instead of looking for what you lost, look for what it is you want now. And, again: If you aren’t getting what you want, decide whether what you are getting is worth settling for.
And if it isn’t, you can either move on, or you can keep taking what’s being offered to you while you continue looking for more elsewhere (just be honest about doing so!). *************** Follow along on and Instagram. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at .
WWS. LW, I am sorry about your husband and hope you find happiness in whatever form works for you. The only thing I would add is not to get hung up on ‘should’–like he ‘should’ only be with me if we’re sleeping together–if the arrangement works for you ‘should’ doesn’t matter. At 79 you’ve more than earned the right to make your own path.
• Bryana June 15, 2017, 9:27 am LW, you should do what makes you happy. Specifically: If this quasi-relationship makes you feel bad about yourself or “lesser” than another woman, it’s no way to live—even if the sex is good and the companionship is nice. I say, keep on looking for another man who makes you feel special without so many reservations… • Moneypenny June 15, 2017, 11:40 am This is such a compassionate response from Wendy! And it’s so true.
One hard lesson I’ve learned is to not settle for being someone’s option when you really want more- and admitting to yourself that you do want more and you’re never going to get it from that person is sometimes a hard thing to come to accept. I also second getting tested- I’ve heard the stats that std’s among seniors is on the rise… • csp June 15, 2017, 2:19 pm LW- I think you need to take a look at your life and decide what you want.
Your situation sounds great if that is what you want. My favorite quote is “You are the cultivator or your life, not the manager of your circumstances.” Obviously, I don’t think that dating was part of your plan but here you are. Now that you are in your situation, do you want a real partner or are you liking your situation. You can build the life you want so do what feels best and what you are comfortable with.
You can also make a decision for now that you know will change over the next few months. • Jamie June 18, 2017, 12:31 pm Thank you Wendy and all who replied to my letter.
Last week I spent three days and nights with Jim. We had both relaxing and fun times together. He is very warm and loving to me. We love each other but not in love. As I said he dates another woman that he also has feelings for. She has been married three times and guess she knows how to snag a man better than I.
I tell him the truth, she tells him what he wants to hear like she doesn’t have her claws into him and it doesn’t bother her that he took me away for three days.
That’s BS. Any woman who cares for a man does care if he’s seeing someone else. I do believe know that he is intimate with her as I found out in a backhanded way.
I said well we have to be careful as she has been alone for 6 years and don’t know who she’s sleeping with. He said well she only slept with one other man and didn’t like him so she went and got tested and is fine.
Said maybe it wasn’t right but he never sowed wild oats when he was young so doing it now. I knew this would never be a long term one on one relationship and I have no intentions of sleeping with another man so I can either leave him and be sad and miserable now or continue our relationship and see where it goes. Eventually I head back to my winter home and she will have all of him. I wish it could be different but I am very realistic.
Like having a teen romance or an affair. Oh well I’m old and how much more fun is left in my life and when I’m with him. He’s all mine. What I don’t understand is he is so warm and passionate with me, so touchy feely and all I just can’t picture him having the same exact relationship with her but then who knows. I just can’t ask him that question as it seems so invasive and he doesn’t lie to me It is what it is I guess. Take it or leave it. And I say, but would he miss me. One day soon I’m going to get up the nerve to ask him that question.
• Ariana December 16, 2017, 4:43 am I’m going through the same at 44. Just drove by and can see he has another woman over last night. I was just there yesterday and Tuesday. I ask him repeatedly if there is someone else. There’s always someone else. Why doesnt he love me.
And why won’t he let me go. I’m dying in pain right now. • Dear Wendy December 16, 2017, 7:31 am You are the one in control of your life and you are the only person responsible for putting yourself in this position. If it is painful you need to listen to the pain and do something else. You need to dump him to find relief from the pain. You need to dump him and never look back. You aren’t at his mercy. You have to take responsibility for making this decision. He can’t force you to stay with him.
That is all on you. • dinoceros December 16, 2017, 4:57 pm You don’t need a man to “let” you go. You can go whenever you realize they don’t care about you and they make you unhappy.
He has no reason to break up with you because he gets two women he can sleep with. A breakup is painful, but not as painful as being treated like crap every day.
• Jamie April 29, 2018, 10:55 am Ariana I just read your comment and I’m sorry you’re in that awful place but maybe by now you have left him. You know it’s easy for people to say just dump him and go on and it’s probably what we should both do but when the heart is involved and feelings come into play it’s so hard to do it he right thing.
But you’re young, I’m old so not expecting a long term relationship. If you can’t leave him entirely maybe you need to start dating others as well. You might find a great guy
best signs hes dating someone else along with you - 17 Signs He's Most Definitely, Positively CRAZY About You
For some reason, there are plenty of guys out there who believe that it’s perfectly fine to use a woman to get them laid and keep them company until the REAL women they’re after finally becomes available. If you have your suspicions that he’s just keeping you around until he can find a new toy, any of this behavior should erase all doubt: He hasn’t deleted his dating apps. I’m sure he’s given you lots of BS excuses like, “I just keep forgetting to delete it” or “The app’s not gone, but my account is deactivated.” But the bottom line is that a guy who is still keeping his options open is going to want a source for those options, and the same dating app he found you on still has plenty of potential.
He keeps evidence of you off of social media. Wouldn’t want someone who was more “his type” to see you tagged in another woman’s Instagram photos, would we? Not all guys are Facebook addicts, but if he’s making a concentrated effort to ensure that his social media path and yours never cross, it’s likely because he’s trying to make himself appear more available to other women. He hides his phone from you. I’m not saying that you should be snooping on him in the first place, but if a guy tilts his screen away from you while he’s texting and refuses to let you even make a call from his phone, it’s safe to guess that he’s hiding something — or someone — from you.
He puts his wants over your needs. You’re stuck in bed with the flu, and he can’t bother to pick some medicine up from the drug store because the game is on? Yeah, this is not a guy who actually gives a crap about you. He might enjoy the sex and the companionship, but when things aren’t “fun,” he’s not going to make the effort to pretend that he cares too much about you.
He suggests breaking up when you fight. A guy who cares about your future together is going to do everything he can to keep your relationship intact even when you disagree. A guy who is always on the prowl, though, isn’t going to be bothered if things don’t work out with you; he’ll just move on to the next one after things go south. He’s going to have no problem hinting that maybe this isn’t going to work out as soon as he realizes the relationship isn’t all fun and games anymore.
He doesn’t make plans in advance involving you. Even a week in the future is too far ahead to plan for a guy who isn’t sure if he might find someone “better” within that time. A man who sees you as a placeholder isn’t going to risk committing to something a month or two from now if he secretly has his fingers crossed that he’ll find someone else he’d much rather spend his time with at that point.
He doesn’t make an effort to make you feel special. He’s not going to pay attention to all your little quirks or take you out to your favorite restaurant.
Why? Because to him, you’re not worth the effort. Guys like this tend to treat all the women they date the exact. same. way. It’s just easier for them, especially because they know they’ll be able to get away with it every time they “upgrade.” He’s constantly hot and cold with you. Sometimes he seems like he’s crazy about you, other times he seems like he’s on the verge of breaking up with you. The reason for this relationship roller coaster is simple: he pulls away from you when he thinks he might be able to find someone to replace you, then goes into panic mode trying to win you over again when he realizes this other girl isn’t actually into him.
Some guys just do this when they’re freaking out about commitment, but in many cases, it’s a sign that you’re constantly on the verge of your man voting you out of his life. He makes you an option rather than a priority. Does he cancel plans with you on a regular basis? Does he ignore your texts even when you know for a fact he’s not busy?
I have bad news for you, girl: he doesn’t actually care about you. In fact, he might be using all that time away from you to flirt with someone else. A guy who doesn’t treat you like you’re important isn’t worth dating anyway, but it could also be more evidence that he’s just playing with you until he finds someone more worthy of his time.
He isn’t even shy about flirting with other girls. If he’s hitting on the bartender right in front of your face or hangs out with his ex on the regular, it’s time to wake up and realize that he doesn’t even care that you know what his real motives are. A guy who pursues other women with zero shame isn’t worth another second of your time.
Call it intuition. Something in your relationship feels off. Could he being seeing someone else? What are the signs to look out for if you suspect the man you love may be seeing someone else?
10 Signs He May be Seeing Someone Else • The first sign he may be seeing someone else is a decrease in communication. If he used to call or text you daily but now it’s more like weekly, he may be seeing someone else.
Now of course sometimes we get busy with work pressures and communication can slow down. That is not necessarily a sign if communication goes back to normal after a period of time.
It is when the communication dwindles and never goes back to your norm. The same goes with face to face communication.
You can go through a period where something may be on his mind and he doesn’t feel much like talking or sharing. That may be no big deal. It could be a sign of him seeing someone else if he never really has anything of substance to say for extended periods of time.
One word answers (by text or face to face) and a lack of initiating conversation are something to watch out for as well. • Another sign he may be seeing someone else is a lack of interest. Does he ask about your day, your job, you friends or anything personal about you anymore? When you try to talk about your personal life does he engage in the conversation?
If the answer to those two questions is “no”, it could be a sign he is seeing someone else. • If you are spending a lot less time together, that could be a sign he is spending time with someone else. If he doesn’t express his own frustration with the fact he hasn’t seen much of you lately could also be a sign.
If he is emotionally distant when you two are together, this could also be a sign he is seeing someone else. 10 Signs He is Seeing Someone Else • Another sign he may be seeing someone else is that he hard to reach all of a sudden. He used to answer you quickly when you used to text or phoned.
But now it takes hours, even days or weeks before you get a response. This could indicate he is seeing someone else. What are his excuses for taking so long to get back to you? Unless he was kidnapped or in jail it may be wise to get suspicious. • If plans with you are always up in the air or never come to fruition, that may be another sign he is seeing someone else. When you try to make plans with him and he always says he will let you know or get back to you, there could be a problem.
When you ask him when you can spend time together and he gives you the run around, it may be because his attention is being spent elsewhere.
Has he stood you up repeatedly all of a sudden? When you contacted him asking where the hell he is did he pick up the phone or text back? That could indicate he was with someone else and turned his phone off. • Another sign he may be seeing another woman is how he is treating you these days. Is he more argumentative? Does he pick fights all the time now? Are you finding yourself walking on eggshells around him? Is he acting guilty and/or defensive when you ask him a question?
Are you afraid to say the wrong thing because he seems to be getting mad for little or no reason? Is he being cold or aloof? These could be real warning signs that he is seeing someone else.
• If he has asked for a break from your relationship, it may be because he is seeing someone else. He may not have the heart to break up with you outright. He may also want to see if his new romance stands a chance before he kicks you to the curb.
You may be his “back up plan” if things don’t work out with his new love interest. If he asks for time to be alone, and I am not talking 48 hours or less, that could be a strong sign too. He could be looking to spend time with her without arousing your suspicion. • Has your sex life changed in a big way, and not for the better? Has he been less affectionate? Has he initiated sex a lot less? Does he turn you down quite a bit when you initiate sex?
Has the sex itself gone downhill? This is another indicator he may be seeing someone else. • Has he become much more sneaky lately? Have you caught him in lies recently? Is he being more secretive? This kind of behavior is also a sign he may be seeing someone else.
If he won’t let you look at his phone anymore, changed all his passwords all of a sudden, or is demanding more privacy there is something he is trying to hide, that’s for sure.
• If he won’t talk about your future or make future plans, it may be a sign he doesn’t expect to be with you in the future. He may be thinking of a future with someone else. Now these signs don’t always indicate that he is seeing someone else. But, if you are seeing several of these signs in your relationship, it is important enough for you to investigate further.
I’ve tried to the point of tears to explain to my Boyfriend how it feels for me to witness him flirting and smacking another woman’s bottom. He sees it as a joke and that it’s playful banter between mates, but to me mates or not it makes no difference. To me, when he smacks them with the same hand that’s held and touched me i feel betrayed.
He ignores me and continue to do it. Am i right or wrong to feel like this? He fits every sign…wow…good for him….how he has treated me…I can’t wait till Carma catches up with his sneakey cheating lying excuses. I sure hope it happens soon…good riddance loser… He can be her problem now…cuz if he can do that to me…what makes her think he won’t do it to her eventually…once a cheater …always a cheater…ha!
His b.s. will catch up to both of them …n I’ll leave it up to Carma to take care of him n her…cuz he is not my stress or problem anymore…our relationship never went anywhere…good for them if they think they will…even though he didn’t have the balls to tell me…he only made sure that everything was my fault…just to justify his guilt…I caught his play for sometime..and I see he was never gonna tell me…but actions speak louder than words This is me right now, I can relate to every word u say here , I hope you’re doing better now , unfortunately for me I have to go over the process again and again , each time he cheated on me I would take him back until I start hating myself and hating to Be around his family knowing they all knew the truth , he was married and I took him back ever couple months he’s with a girl cheating lying never telling me I have to be embarrassed and find out about him beofre I confront him I m confused.
I spend all the time with my man even when he asks to be alone. He says he loves me but stays on the phone. He gets angry if i ask to see his phone. I told him to let me know if he is interested in someone else and i ll cut off all communication with him but he leeps on saying he loves me and wants me. But he wouldn t go out with me and stays on his phone and also gets angry if i want to see his phone My ex bf of 7yrs was doing that on the last months we were together.
At the end he finally was letting me see his phone but only cuz he got a second phone that I didn’t know about . It turned out he was cheating on me .
I use to go on these websites to show me signs and I would tell him that he had all the signs of cheating and he would just tell me I was crazy . What a liar all the signs were right on it
15 Signs Your Boyfriend May be Seeing Someone Else