So I'm dating this guy and I really like him and have for ages. One problem though: he's like a relationship virgin. That's incredibly different from most guys I date. I mean he's been in relationships but nothing deep and he's never really had to invest his heart before. I on the other hand . show more So I'm dating this guy and I really like him and have for ages. One problem though: he's like a relationship virgin. That's incredibly different from most guys I date. I mean he's been in relationships but nothing deep and he's never really had .
I'm over 35 and dating. One question I get asked a lot is about my past relationships. The problem is, I haven't had any. I've had one problem or head trip after another. I've also been a loner and a bit of nerd. I can honestly say that I am over all of that.
I know these women are asking me this question to screen me out, the way an employer would look at past work experience. I know I am a sane, well-balanced guy who will be considerate, but I am afraid that if I am truthful before I get to know a woman I will get dumped by the second date.
Any advice on how to handle this question? Robert Dear Robert, Among the most common advice given by relationship experts is this doozy: “Just be yourself!” Tell that to the guy who asks a first date if she likes anal sex. Or the woman who complains that all men are pigs before she’s even ordered her Caesar salad. Encouraging these folks to be themselves is a crime against humanity. They’d be far more successful on dates if they were to try to be anybody else.
Of course, these people never learn from their mistakes, since they never get any feedback. When others don’t return their calls, they assume that it’s the other person’s loss, and tell themselves others are crazy for not appreciating their . “Hey, I’m just being MYSELF here. You don’t expect me to just LIE, do you?” Uh, if not telling her that she looks fatter than her photo is a lie, then, yeah, lying’s not a bad idea. Which is just a long way of saying, Robert, that full disclosure isn’t always the best idea.
Listen, I’m not one to make dating sound like a series of job interviews, but if you think of each “interview” as a chance to make a strong first impression, you don’t go into an all-out confessional. “Yeah, see that line on my resume that shows that I was employed at NorthStar Research in April ’97? That’s because my boss was a dick, who caught me surfing for porn during a sexual harassment training session. Plus, the job really sucked because he was always asking me to do stuff for him….
My greatest weakness? Probably that I’m lazy. And a stoner. A lazy stoner.” This is not how to interview. We know this.
But it doesn’t stop us from telling the whole truth on a date under the guise of “full disclosure”. Dating has always been a perfect example of “don’t ask, don’t tell” and I’m always amazed when not everyone has read that same rulebook. Dating has always been a perfect example of “don’t ask, don’t tell” and I’m always amazed when not everyone has read that same rulebook. Like when you go out with someone who says that she’s got another date tomorrow night.
What good could POSSIBLY come out of me knowing that right now? Well, in her mind, she’s just telling the truth, letting me know that she’s got other options, perhaps informing me that she’s not that interested. But chances are, she’s not sending a message. She’s just being STUPID…. And that’s what over-sharing is on a first date.
You take Wellbutrin to keep it together? Save it. Your last boyfriend physically abused you? Save it. You just got out of rehab? Save it. In other words, if you think it might be poorly received, SAVE IT for later.
Because we’re all a lot more forgiving of “issues” when we know and like someone than when we’re meeting them cold on a blind date. The same thing that might label you a “freak” on date one may actually be heartwarming and vulnerable later on. By the way, I say this as a guy who has some legitimate “issues” himself, and never ran into major troubles with any women because of how and when I dealt with them.
SO… are you going to be asked about your relationship history frequently on dates? Absolutely. It’s a fair question, and usually a very revealing one. But if you’re not ready to reveal, try gliding past it. And please, keep it light. Being matter of fact is key, since the bigger deal you make of it, the bigger deal it becomes. Her: “So what happened with your last girlfriend?” You: “Sorry, previous relationships are a date 3 question. Unless we’re talking about yours, of course…” “Let’s just say that I haven’t had anything serious in a really long time.” “I’ve been so focused on work for the past few years that I haven’t left much time to date.
Which is why I’m here with you right now.” Like a politician, you can answer the question without really answering the question. Again, I’m just making stuff up here, but, like a politician, you can answer the question without really answering the question. The only way this backfires is if she turns into a pitbull and presses you for a more tangible answer, names, dates, hair samples.
Of course, if she does interrogate you, you probably don’t want to go out with her anyway. 2 J I very much agree with your advice here, Evan. I don’t push others for personal details, but I know I tend to impart tmi sometimes – I think I do it because I somehow feel if they are going to decide you aren’t for them, you’d rather be left sooner than later.
I do have a question for you and everyone out there – or maybe, just stating what I think and wondering if others think so too … Isn’t a date asking you about your past relationships on a first date, particularly if question is very specific or persistent, sort of in the same league as Full Disclosure from the get-go?
I.e, a no-no. Seems like that is bad form on the askers part and something she (or he, as I have had that question tossed to me from square one by a couple of guys in the past also) should be saving for later as well? • 3 Selena Great advice from Evan. I don’t much care for the previous relationship interogation on first dates either–giving or receiving.
“Do you have children? ” is appropriate, but details beyond that are not. Surely people can come up with other topics of conversation to get to know each other than detailed relationship resumes? And consider this: Anyone who’s on a date past age 18, and not a widow/er can honestly say about themselves, “I haven’t found the right person.
” “Yet.” • 4 Lisa The question of past relationships is an important one for us women, because nothing sucks more than falling for a guy, who later decides he’s just not ready for a relationship…or just isn’t a “relationship type person…is really just a loner.” Been there…done that, and had my heart broken.
So men…before you start looking for a relationship…KNOW that you really want one. • 4.2 Babs I don’t know what you mean by “us women”.
I’m a woman and have little to no interest to talk about previous relationships; they are in the past for a reason. Once you’re getting to exclusivity and you know one another then yeah, go ahead and ask.
But my past relationships are in the past and I’ve learned my lessons and it has nothing to do with the current relationship (except that I won’t repeat things I found didn’t work again!) • 7 Heather I think this advice could put the guy on the right track as long as the “story” he comes up with feels comfortable to him.
Cuz if you feel like you have something major to hide and it gets awkward that could be.. awkward. I agree you could be straightforward while de-emphasizing the past adn refocusing on the date at hand. I would be more put off by later finding out a guy misled me (lied) than the fact he has not dated. In fact I have no problem dating guys who have not dated much… • 8 Lance It’s not lying, it’s flirting.
(credit Mystery) You’re not being dodgy, you’re being playful. Neither of you has earned the right to play 20 questions on the first date. Keeps things flirty, fun, light, playful, sexy, and avoid all closets full of skeletons. If she asks about prior relationships (or lack thereof), simply dodge, as Evan suggested above. Those are good btw, I’m going to lift them.
Also, project confidence and rock solid cool. YOU should be the one screening her, not the other way around. If she tests you in this way, simply be clever. Make sure you direct the flow of conversation. Flirt at all times. The first date is NOT really about getting to know each other, rather it’s about being fun and unique. If you make it to date 2,3,4 etc, then you’ll have to start getting into details. By this time, you should have established yourself as a fun, cool, sexy beast and that’ll trump most if not all skeletons.
• 8.1 Ginny Interesting. I have found that unless you are immediately 100% comfortable with the other person it isn’t worth pursuing.
The people you feel immediately at ease with are the ones to see again. The ones you need to strategically ask and answer questions around are not the ones to waste time on. • 9 Cindy I clicked on this one just to see how Evan was going to respond and as expected, he is right on!!
I am a 45 yr old divorced woman who has been dating for the last three years after a 22yr marriage. When first dating, I did have certain criteria that if the man shared, I would be done with him. And he sure better be honest up front about all.
Well, I have learned to be more gentle and understanding. And as long as he seems like a good guy and my intuition is not bothering me, I continue to go forward and get to know the person. Now I have looked past many things that I never would have in the beginning. And it’s because I stopped grilling the guy on the first few dates and gotten to know him as a person. A good person will learn from their prior mistakes, so it’s unfair to judge them on their past. My current and first serious boyfriend since my divorce, did not disclose several things about himself until after I knew him well and was in love.
I was OK with all of it because of the way he told me and how he told me. He did the right thing for our relationship. If I would have known these things upfront, I don’t think I would have moved past the first few dates. So Robert I would follow Evan’s advice and actually practice some of your responses to those certain questions concerning prior relationships.
If you are very successful in your career, I would do what Evan suggested; “You have dated casually but your career was more of your focus and you are realizing that now you want to put as much energy into finding the right woman for you!!” Something along those lines….good luck and most important….BE YOURSELF and BE FUN!!!
• 10 Steve J wrote: Isn’t a date asking you about your past relationships on a first date, particularly if question is very specific or persistent, sort of in the same league as Full Disclosure from the get-go?
I think it is at the least ironic since complaints about dates going on about their ex or other baggage is almost a cliche • 11 Steve Lisa Jan 31st 2008 at 01:43 pm 4 The question of past relationships is an important one for us women, because nothing sucks more than falling for a guy, who later decides he’s just not ready for a relationship or just isn’t a relationship type person is really just a loner.
Been there done that, and had my heart broken. So men before you start looking for a relationship KNOW that you really want one. I agree with the reasoning and I agree with why women ask this question. If people are still single past a certain age there is a reason why and usually it is not an endearing one. However, there are some freaks out there who actually do improve themselves and become more of a catch as they age. Older women do seem to be ready to try and convict a guy without a trial.
• 13 J Hi Robert : ) When all is said and done, quality is still more important and more valuable, than quantity. Though still agree with Evan and the others that you be yourself, don’t disclose too soon (thereby possibly shooting yourself in the foot – very true for any of us that tell some things too soon, including me), and find the positives in who you are and what you have accomplished and become. Even, in what you haven’t done – like not having LTR.
For example: Maybe you also have something of an advantage in that you don’t bring a lot of prior relationship baggage to the table? Best of luck to you! J • 15 hunter to Robert, …you are asking questions about the female species and behaviour, which I commend you for, and I encourage you to continue asking, go to single seminars, etc….(most men don’t know what they are doing, and we don’t ask)…….there are people with answers, that you want to hear, they are far and few, just keep asking…… I believe relationships, for a man, are about being consciously aware,..about being informed,..
• 16 Li-Ann I enjoyed Evan’s response to this one. Well written and to the point. Lisa said that the reason women need to ask questions is because they need to know certain things in advance, such as if a man is afraid of long term relationships. That way, a woman could avoid spending time on someone who is afraid of commitment.
I can certainly empathize with that. However, let’s say a man just wants to date several women at once, and has no interest in a LTR. If that man was asked about his intentions on a first date, he is likely going to avoid a direct answer, change the subject, or lie. Men know most women want to hear that a man is interested in a long term relationship. Therefore, if he is interested in having the woman’s phone number as one option to call when he needs sex, he is going to make a LTR look like a possibility just to keep her interested.
Telling her the honest truth such as “No, I find you attractive and would enjoy sleeping with you, but, I wouldn’t marry you. I’d like to be able to phone you for sex, should my other partners be unavailable, and hopefully you’ll be available upon short notice and make no further demands on my time.” How many women would be keen on that arrangement? Or, the man will answer in vague terms such as “some day” he would like to settle down.
The overly hopeful woman will read that as meaning with her. He only means that, yes, theoretically “some day” he’d like to settle down, but not necessarily with her. I think it is better to carefully observe a man’s actions to try to find out his plans. Asking a direct question doesn’t guarantee that he’ll be truthful. Sure, men want to be truthful when they can, but sex is a powerful motivation to lie or stretch the truth.
Although some men are honest about it, most men who want to get sex or companionship without strings attached know it is easier to be vague about their intentions, or outright lie. • 19 Lisa Li-Ann, you are so right. I’ve met quite a few men doing exactly what you describe.
Even men tell me that “men are dogs.” They’ll lie or lead you on just for sex. Unfortunately sometimes its difficult to figure out who is for real, that they’re genuinely interested in me, or they’re just trying to get laid. But my latest relationship was going great until he decided out of the blue that he just didn’t want a relationship.
And he truly hasn’t dated anyone since me. He said he thought he wanted a relationship, but found out he really didn’t want one. Some guys really don’t need companionship, sex, love. They can live without it. Not me, and it killed me that he could just end our relationship just like that. So I’d be VERY skeptical to date anyone like Robert, who has lived just fine all these yrs without a LTR.
Sorry Robert, I wouldn’t believe you. • "I have read it 10 times already, and keep revisiting it every time I begin to even hint at a moment’s insecurity." Brilliant! Once you understand where men are coming from, which I would not have been able to do without the help of "Why He Disappeared," it is very simple! I have never felt so relaxed around him, he knows this and wants to spend more time with me. His choice! Karen M. • "Evan, you’re amazing. You’re changing a little corner of the world in a very special way." The thing that I most love about Dan is that I can be myself around him.
At 52 years old, I’ve never felt that way with any man I’ve dated… I believe that it’s just a matter of time before all of you beautiful women on here find someone special. Don’t give up!
Maria N. •
best dating a guy with no relationship experiences - Six Women Share Their Experiences on Dating Korean Men
I think there's probably an age difference happening with the responses on this thread. It often seems like the typical woman on CD-R is in her late 30s to early 40s, while the typical man on CD-R is younger. (Maybe I'm wrong? I've certainly noticed this is the case on some specific threads before, though.) When I was young (say, 18-25) I would have been much more open to dating a guy with no or limited relationship or sexual experience.
I'm close to 40 now, and I would find it odd if a guy in my age bracket didn't have this experience. (Most of the guys I've dated recently have been 40-45.) Frankly, I'd be more concerned with the lack of LTR experience. Relationships aren't easy, they take work. It helps a lot if someone has learned how to have a constructive disagreement (aka a fight), has learned how and when to compromise, etc. To me, it would be more concerning to encounter someone " older"who has never had a romantic relationship, versus never had sex.
Well you can assume that my post addresses romantically inexperience guys too. No one should date anyone they don't want to. But that's still no reason for people to disrespect and demean someone solely because they don't have experience in this part of their life.
C-D Where people complain about things they can not control. Dating is what it is, It's not gonna change. Things aren't nearly as black and white as the things stated here.
Just work on improving yourself while finding ways to be more appealing the other sex, or whatever you like. You have to go outside and talk, a lot! It's painful and hard if you're socially inept like I was but it's possible to overcome. Gender equality is part of social progress which moves diligently, yet slowly over time. Women have it fairly good in todays society, as do men. There's definitely worse places you could be. Lots of first world problems ITT. Lol. This. Well you can assume that my post addresses romantically inexperience guys too.
No one should date anyone they don't want to. But that's still no reason for people to disrespect and demean someone solely because they don't have experience in this part of their life. And this. This is what I try to get people to see. Some of the people here who are older seem to either insult in a passive aggressive manner, or come off as very condescending. Pretty much have a high and mighty attitude. Yet they claim to be more mature.
It's not right to judge people over silly things like this, but everyone has their preferences. That is fine. This. And this. This is what I try to get people to see. Some of the people here who are older seem to either insult in a passive aggressive manner, or come off as very condescending. Pretty much have a high and mighty attitude. Yet they claim to be more mature.
It's not right to judge people over silly things like this, but everyone has their preferences. That is fine. You are doing a great job of fending for righteousness. Keep it coming . i dont think its that. its that he wants to talk about sexual experience before she has even dated him.
Oh. I use the car example. Men prefer newer models. Women like used ones. Men like newer ones for low mileage and aka better chances that she didnt sleep around. Women like used ones because it validates her choice in men because other women like it.
Ive heard of plenty of men, myself included, have worn wedding rings and got alot more attention. Of course there are married women who get hit on but they would get hit on regardless of being taken. Ive been to the same bars/clubs with and without a wedding ring. The ring yielded much better results. __________________ My posts as a Moderator will always be in red. Be sure to review Terms of Service: And check this out: Moderator of Canada (and sub-fora), Illinois (and sub-fora), Indiana (and sub-fora), Automotive, Caregiving, Community Chat, Fashion & Beauty, Hair Care, Games/Trivia, History, Nature, Psychology, Travel, Work & Employment, Writing.
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